If your AP’s spouse found out..

[Anonymous]

When I discovered by ex-wife was cheating, I had to work hard to find out where his wife was. Because he was a freelance graphic designer who worked out of his home, his home address was actually on his business web site. So, I wrote a very factual letter to her since I could not find out any other way to contact her on e-mail, social media, phone number, etc. I started my letter by telling her I agonized over whether or not I should send it but ultimately decided if it were me that I would want to know, so I did. In about two pages, I described, factually, what I knew based on the work of my PI. I told her I would share evidence with her if she wanted to see it. I sent the letter registered mail that required signature by her and only her (yes, you can do this -- I forget what it is called) to avoid it being intercepted. In the letter, I asked her to call me so that I knew it had been received and said I would be happy to answer any questions. I waited until my separation agreement was filed with the court before sending it. She did call me and asked a couple of questions. We spoke one other time. That was it. I do not know what became of them, nor do I care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen time and time again where the AP wanst the wife to know hoping she divorces to leave him free. They always do it anonymously too so the DH doesn't blame them.

I'm surprised how many dumb married guys there are that don't think their AP would do that. One of my friends started getting hang up calls. That was the APs way to let her know. Sure enough she followed up closely.

I admit that after I stopped sleeping with my AP but we kept in touch and he kept coming on to me, while telling his wife it was long over and no contact, it was tempting to let her know. But it seemed too trashy and attention-seeking. It’s between them. It wouldn’t serve me anyway. It would just make her decision to stay harder for her, and if she left him over it he would just be angry at me.

That’s the part you thought was trashy and attention-seeking?

Sigh!

Exactly. The classier thing would have been to apologize to his wife and never contact that loser again.

At least the wife could get tested for STDs etc. Who knows who else he was sleeping with pp!

Fair point, when you don’t know the whole situation. I personally think apologizing to the wife is silly, hurtful and also attention seeking; how could I honestly apologize to her for some thing I did earnestly at the time? It’s meaningless. She knows me and knows what the situation was and why it happened. It’s enough that I resisted his ongoing repeated overtures. They can sort themselves out. STDs were not a factor in this situation. None of us has been with anybody else.

Someone that would lie and cheat on his family is someone you can't trust. You didn't know him, and he likely lied to you as well. Again you don't know if he was sleeping with anyone else, or what. There's no excuse for "why" it happened. A married person is off limits period. Their problems are their business alone, and if you heard it all through him well then again he's cheater and a liar. What he says holds no weight. Hopefully, you never go down that road again and find a nice man.

This may seem hard for you to believe, internet stranger who thinks she knows more about my life and his than we do, but I do know him, and what he was doing, and has done since. Your assumption that everyone who cheats is promiscuous trailer trash with an IQ of 70 and no insight is not correct.

No I don't think it says anything about IQ. It does say you had serious problems to lower yourself to get into that type of situation.

If you were interested romantically you could have easily told him to contact you if he's ever single. I'm thinking probably his wife truly knows him and what he is. If you know what he's done since it tells me you need to pull the plug on that loser.

Thanks Einstein. Again you don’t know the situation and mental space I was in at the time, how or why it happened, or the nature of the relationship then or since. Your sanctimonious condescension was not requested.

She sort of does.

You were in a bad mental space … you said that, she is saying that.

It happened because you were in a bad mental space, clearly. That’s not sanctimonious it’s true. He used you and you were not mentally able to stop it or worse your mental state sought out the abuse. It’s really almost play by play the same every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen time and time again where the AP wanst the wife to know hoping she divorces to leave him free. They always do it anonymously too so the DH doesn't blame them.

I'm surprised how many dumb married guys there are that don't think their AP would do that. One of my friends started getting hang up calls. That was the APs way to let her know. Sure enough she followed up closely.

I admit that after I stopped sleeping with my AP but we kept in touch and he kept coming on to me, while telling his wife it was long over and no contact, it was tempting to let her know. But it seemed too trashy and attention-seeking. It’s between them. It wouldn’t serve me anyway. It would just make her decision to stay harder for her, and if she left him over it he would just be angry at me.

That’s the part you thought was trashy and attention-seeking?

Sigh!

Exactly. The classier thing would have been to apologize to his wife and never contact that loser again.

At least the wife could get tested for STDs etc. Who knows who else he was sleeping with pp!

Fair point, when you don’t know the whole situation. I personally think apologizing to the wife is silly, hurtful and also attention seeking; how could I honestly apologize to her for some thing I did earnestly at the time? It’s meaningless. She knows me and knows what the situation was and why it happened. It’s enough that I resisted his ongoing repeated overtures. They can sort themselves out. STDs were not a factor in this situation. None of us has been with anybody else.

Someone that would lie and cheat on his family is someone you can't trust. You didn't know him, and he likely lied to you as well. Again you don't know if he was sleeping with anyone else, or what. There's no excuse for "why" it happened. A married person is off limits period. Their problems are their business alone, and if you heard it all through him well then again he's cheater and a liar. What he says holds no weight. Hopefully, you never go down that road again and find a nice man.

This may seem hard for you to believe, internet stranger who thinks she knows more about my life and his than we do, but I do know him, and what he was doing, and has done since. Your assumption that everyone who cheats is promiscuous trailer trash with an IQ of 70 and no insight is not correct.

No I don't think it says anything about IQ. It does say you had serious problems to lower yourself to get into that type of situation.

If you were interested romantically you could have easily told him to contact you if he's ever single. I'm thinking probably his wife truly knows him and what he is. If you know what he's done since it tells me you need to pull the plug on that loser.

Thanks Einstein. Again you don’t know the situation and mental space I was in at the time, how or why it happened, or the nature of the relationship then or since. Your sanctimonious condescension was not requested.

She sort of does.

You were in a bad mental space … you said that, she is saying that.

It happened because you were in a bad mental space, clearly. That’s not sanctimonious it’s true. He used you and you were not mentally able to stop it or worse your mental state sought out the abuse. It’s really almost play by play the same every time.

You are missing the part where no one asked for her opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen time and time again where the AP wanst the wife to know hoping she divorces to leave him free. They always do it anonymously too so the DH doesn't blame them.

I'm surprised how many dumb married guys there are that don't think their AP would do that. One of my friends started getting hang up calls. That was the APs way to let her know. Sure enough she followed up closely.

I admit that after I stopped sleeping with my AP but we kept in touch and he kept coming on to me, while telling his wife it was long over and no contact, it was tempting to let her know. But it seemed too trashy and attention-seeking. It’s between them. It wouldn’t serve me anyway. It would just make her decision to stay harder for her, and if she left him over it he would just be angry at me.

The person having the affair is the Jerry Springer trash, honey. Sucking d in hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I discovered by ex-wife was cheating, I had to work hard to find out where his wife was. Because he was a freelance graphic designer who worked out of his home, his home address was actually on his business web site. So, I wrote a very factual letter to her since I could not find out any other way to contact her on e-mail, social media, phone number, etc. I started my letter by telling her I agonized over whether or not I should send it but ultimately decided if it were me that I would want to know, so I did. In about two pages, I described, factually, what I knew based on the work of my PI. I told her I would share evidence with her if she wanted to see it. I sent the letter registered mail that required signature by her and only her (yes, you can do this -- I forget what it is called) to avoid it being intercepted. In the letter, I asked her to call me so that I knew it had been received and said I would be happy to answer any questions. I waited until my separation agreement was filed with the court before sending it. She did call me and asked a couple of questions. We spoke one other time. That was it. I do not know what became of them, nor do I care.

Well done. You did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen time and time again where the AP wanst the wife to know hoping she divorces to leave him free. They always do it anonymously too so the DH doesn't blame them.

I'm surprised how many dumb married guys there are that don't think their AP would do that. One of my friends started getting hang up calls. That was the APs way to let her know. Sure enough she followed up closely.

I admit that after I stopped sleeping with my AP but we kept in touch and he kept coming on to me, while telling his wife it was long over and no contact, it was tempting to let her know. But it seemed too trashy and attention-seeking. It’s between them. It wouldn’t serve me anyway. It would just make her decision to stay harder for her, and if she left him over it he would just be angry at me.

That’s the part you thought was trashy and attention-seeking?

Sigh!

Exactly. The classier thing would have been to apologize to his wife and never contact that loser again.

At least the wife could get tested for STDs etc. Who knows who else he was sleeping with pp!

Fair point, when you don’t know the whole situation. I personally think apologizing to the wife is silly, hurtful and also attention seeking; how could I honestly apologize to her for some thing I did earnestly at the time? It’s meaningless. She knows me and knows what the situation was and why it happened. It’s enough that I resisted his ongoing repeated overtures. They can sort themselves out. STDs were not a factor in this situation. None of us has been with anybody else.

Someone that would lie and cheat on his family is someone you can't trust. You didn't know him, and he likely lied to you as well. Again you don't know if he was sleeping with anyone else, or what. There's no excuse for "why" it happened. A married person is off limits period. Their problems are their business alone, and if you heard it all through him well then again he's cheater and a liar. What he says holds no weight. Hopefully, you never go down that road again and find a nice man.

This may seem hard for you to believe, internet stranger who thinks she knows more about my life and his than we do, but I do know him, and what he was doing, and has done since. Your assumption that everyone who cheats is promiscuous trailer trash with an IQ of 70 and no insight is not correct.

No I don't think it says anything about IQ. It does say you had serious problems to lower yourself to get into that type of situation.

If you were interested romantically you could have easily told him to contact you if he's ever single. I'm thinking probably his wife truly knows him and what he is. If you know what he's done since it tells me you need to pull the plug on that loser.

Thanks Einstein. Again you don’t know the situation and mental space I was in at the time, how or why it happened, or the nature of the relationship then or since. Your sanctimonious condescension was not requested.

She sort of does.

You were in a bad mental space … you said that, she is saying that.

It happened because you were in a bad mental space, clearly. That’s not sanctimonious it’s true. He used you and you were not mentally able to stop it or worse your mental state sought out the abuse. It’s really almost play by play the same every time.

You are missing the part where no one asked for her opinion.

You stated an opinion as fact. She corrected you. Welcome to ousting on line, when you post factually incorrect information you will be corrected.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Blew everything up. No survivors.

We deserved it.

[Anonymous]

Ii was the betrayed wife. When I found out, I quietly got my ducks in a row. Then I used my (then) husband's phone to post to his fb account. It was a lovely screenshot of he and AP mid-webcam chat. Sorry about the close up of your double chin and cold sore, AP. The post explained their amazing love story, complete with screenshots of texts. I tagged her in it. Turned DHs phone to silent and put a nice new PIN to unlock it. He obviously slept through AP frantically calling him, and couldn't unlock the phone anyway, so that post got to stew for a while for their hundreds of friends (and coworkers!).

APs husband eventually reached out to me for answers. We blew everything up. The star crossed lovers didn't even last 2 months after marriage separation.

[Anonymous]

^Play with fire, get burned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ii was the betrayed wife. When I found out, I quietly got my ducks in a row. Then I used my (then) husband's phone to post to his fb account. It was a lovely screenshot of he and AP mid-webcam chat. Sorry about the close up of your double chin and cold sore, AP. The post explained their amazing love story, complete with screenshots of texts. I tagged her in it. Turned DHs phone to silent and put a nice new PIN to unlock it. He obviously slept through AP frantically calling him, and couldn't unlock the phone anyway, so that post got to stew for a while for their hundreds of friends (and coworkers!).

APs husband eventually reached out to me for answers. We blew everything up. The star crossed lovers didn't even last 2 months after marriage separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Blew everything up. No survivors.

We deserved it.

How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Blew everything up. No survivors.

We deserved it.

How?

Showed up at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. No. It was a simple email to his work.

I meant what happened when spouse found out?

He freaked out. Divorced me, took the house and kids. I lived in an apartment for the next 2 years, eventually after all was said and done bought a townhouse. I got visitation, started waiting tables. I eventually got my paralegal certificate and work in a law firm. I met a nice guy and we moved to NC during COVID, where we can afford to live.

You left your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ii was the betrayed wife. When I found out, I quietly got my ducks in a row. Then I used my (then) husband's phone to post to his fb account. It was a lovely screenshot of he and AP mid-webcam chat. Sorry about the close up of your double chin and cold sore, AP. The post explained their amazing love story, complete with screenshots of texts. I tagged her in it. Turned DHs phone to silent and put a nice new PIN to unlock it. He obviously slept through AP frantically calling him, and couldn't unlock the phone anyway, so that post got to stew for a while for their hundreds of friends (and coworkers!).

APs husband eventually reached out to me for answers. We blew everything up. The star crossed lovers didn't even last 2 months after marriage separation.

Savage

[Anonymous]

Kind of similar with one of my H's old time friends from HS who cheated on his wife when she was pregnant with their child. I think she found out shortly after birth because she messaged each one of us, including me, on Facebook to let us know what happened, when their baby was around one month old. I can understand her feelings, but the entire thing was so embarrassing and unnecessary. I'm European and hate this cheesy display of anger and emotions to complete strangers, especially because I met her maybe 3 times before. It's just so trashy.