Reply to Tough situation with stepdaughter

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[quote=Anonymous]I understand why you're having a difficult time with her right now. Two thoughts:

1) I'm not sure how old she is now, but if she's still living at home with you, she was a child when all of this started. She was a child dealing with the divorce of her parents, her father's remarriage and the possibility of a new child (which triggers in many children the fear of being replaced). She was having very young emotions because she was very young, and you seem to be holding her to an adult standard of both emotional reaction and behavior. It might be easier to warm to her more if you can appreciate where she was coming from and find some compassion for how difficult that time probably was for her. Finding that compassion in no way lessens what you experienced, it's just recognizing that she's her own person with her own emotional life.

2) It's not fair to your stepdaughter to blame her for your husband's change of heart. You acknowledge that he was never really enthused about the idea of another child, so deciding to marry him included the risk that he would never truly get on board and want kids, making it more likely he would change his mind. You need to own your own role in this, in deciding to marry him knowing that he wasn't really looking to have more children. Then, you need to acknowledge your husband's role in this. He is the adult, and he is the one who changed his mind, no matter what the reason. It sounds like you want to blame your stepdaughter for this rather than your husband, because that's easier for your marriage. That's not fair to her at all, and just as you've been holding her (unfairly, IMO) to an adult emotional standard, you need to hold yourself to that standard too.[/quote]

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