I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Who is chaperoning field trips for high school kids? Surely that isn't a healthy dynamic? People don't really do that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you "tell" her, not ask her, per the title of your thread?

Why can't you get a better paying job? In this economy, you can't find a better paying job? What's wrong with you?

She's working PT already. Could she really be pulling the salary you think after taking all those FT years off to raise your kids? Sacrificing her career?

They are her kids too. She got all expenses paid during these years. Let's not pretend OP did nothing. She didn't sacrifice her career - she stayed home willingly.

OMG. Such belittling of SAHM. Yet if you GET PAID to be a nanny, that is respectable, right? Because the nanny is ACTUALLY GETTING PAID? So taking care of kids, driving them to practices and dental appointments is only valuable work if you are actually paid to do it for another family.


Meanwhile, OP knows he is not earning enough in his career and is not pursuing more lucrative position in private sector.

On DCUM, these weak make providers get all the support.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to live paycheck to paycheck to want your partner to start contributing more financially to the family unit. With kids in high school, you are not required to be home all day to do cleaning chores or yard work. It also doesn't entitle you to "retire" completely because your kids are older. I believe both should contribute to retirement, college, home costs, travel etc that's expected in the later years of life.

[Anonymous]

Any PP who has called OP a "weak provider" is a nutso troll and/or a sexist jerk. No man is required to make some certain salary so his wife can sit on her duff most of the day while her kids are in high school. High school kids, unless there are special circumstances, don't need a full-time SAHP. Marriage is a partnership in which the two people work together to make the household run. For most families these days, that requires two incomes. The outlier SAHMs with rich husbands are the exception, not the rule, no matter what DCUM would tell you.

SLPs can get jobs in different types of settings, many of which will have a lot more flexibility than typical jobs and pay a decent salary.

They need to have a budget. If they desire things that will put them outside a budget based on DHs salary, then DW needs to increase her hours to bring in that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

What in the hell do families do if both parents work? I mean, is it even possible to function?

[Anonymous]

I think people neglect the value of staying at home while kids are in high school. Maintaining an emotional relationship with them requires more time and effort than it did before; parenting isn’t all about laundry and messes and keeping them alive.

Not saying OP’s wife shouldn’t go back to work, just that kids don’t necessarily require less parent time as they grow older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you approached the conversation more diplomatically than your post title suggests. Your feelings are valid, but your tone and wording implies that you are the boss and you're telling your wife what she needs to do.

If I were in her shoes, I would resist going back to work being approached like that.

On the other hand, if you said you had concerns about family finances and asked me when it would be a good time to discuss it, I'd happily be involved with the conversation and coming up with a plan. That plan may be too look for a job. It may be to cut expenses. It may be a combination of the two. But I'd want the conversation to center on the fact that we are the team.

She may be feeling insecure about her career and current marketability. She may also be feeling undervalued for the effort she put into raising kids and making home life run smoother. I'm almost certain that expressing your appreciation for what she's done will go a long way in helping you achieve your objective. Otherwise it's too easy for her to end up feeling defensive.

This is incredibly good advice.

+1
I wish you were my friend and gave me good advice like this.

+100. OP came off sounding like a jack***. They went in together on her being part time, they need to decide what to do next together too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

What in the hell do families do if both parents work? I mean, is it even possible to function?

DP here — You’re missing the point of the PP. it’s not that you can’t have two WOHPs. It means one taking the lead like OP’s wife has done up until now, while she amps up her career — assuming that’s the decision they JOINTLY decide upon. One thing the PP forgot to mention is the default parent needs to be forward thinking about stuff that won’t enter or sink into teens’ minds: finding out what kind of SAT/ACT prep is needed, where to sign up and when, coordinating transportation, making sure kid stays on top of college apps, school work and extracurriculars, making sure kid has food while mom and dad are at work (so many parents eat out and I see so many non-default parents not thinking about kids need while in the thick of things at work), etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you approached the conversation more diplomatically than your post title suggests. Your feelings are valid, but your tone and wording implies that you are the boss and you're telling your wife what she needs to do.

If I were in her shoes, I would resist going back to work being approached like that.

On the other hand, if you said you had concerns about family finances and asked me when it would be a good time to discuss it, I'd happily be involved with the conversation and coming up with a plan. That plan may be too look for a job. It may be to cut expenses. It may be a combination of the two. But I'd want the conversation to center on the fact that we are the team.

She may be feeling insecure about her career and current marketability. She may also be feeling undervalued for the effort she put into raising kids and making home life run smoother. I'm almost certain that expressing your appreciation for what she's done will go a long way in helping you achieve your objective. Otherwise it's too easy for her to end up feeling defensive.

This is incredibly good advice.

+1
I wish you were my friend and gave me good advice like this.

+100. OP came off sounding like a jack***. They went in together on her being part time, they need to decide what to do next together too.

They did. She was to return to work full time. OP’s wife has unilaterally decided to break that agreeement. Perhaps OP should just quit his job and sit at home all day like his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is chaperoning field trips for high school kids? Surely that isn't a healthy dynamic? People don't really do that, right?

In high school, our “field trips” were out of state or out of country. Parent chaperones are sometimes needed for band or sports. In high school many trips were overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you approached the conversation more diplomatically than your post title suggests. Your feelings are valid, but your tone and wording implies that you are the boss and you're telling your wife what she needs to do.

If I were in her shoes, I would resist going back to work being approached like that.

On the other hand, if you said you had concerns about family finances and asked me when it would be a good time to discuss it, I'd happily be involved with the conversation and coming up with a plan. That plan may be too look for a job. It may be to cut expenses. It may be a combination of the two. But I'd want the conversation to center on the fact that we are the team.

She may be feeling insecure about her career and current marketability. She may also be feeling undervalued for the effort she put into raising kids and making home life run smoother. I'm almost certain that expressing your appreciation for what she's done will go a long way in helping you achieve your objective. Otherwise it's too easy for her to end up feeling defensive.

This is incredibly good advice.

+1
I wish you were my friend and gave me good advice like this.

+100. OP came off sounding like a jack***. They went in together on her being part time, they need to decide what to do next together too.

They did. She was to return to work full time. OP’s wife has unilaterally decided to break that agreeement. Perhaps OP should just quit his job and sit at home all day like his wife?

They did ... many moons ago. Things have changed, plans need to adjust. I can’t imagine running a project and telling my boss I didn’t adapt to circumstances and was sticking rigidly to the plan as written 10years who.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that if she’s seeing clients individually (as in not working at a school, therapy center, or hospital), she’s limited by when clients are available. And if her clients are kids, that’s from about 3-7 after school. I agree there’s ways for her to make more money, but it’s likely to need a complete job change to a different employer.

Though something tells me this isn’t just about money ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that if she’s seeing clients individually (as in not working at a school, therapy center, or hospital), she’s limited by when clients are available. And if her clients are kids, that’s from about 3-7 after school. I agree there’s ways for her to make more money, but it’s likely to need a complete job change to a different employer.

Though something tells me this isn’t just about money ...

100% agree. And note that OP hasn’t returned in a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you approached the conversation more diplomatically than your post title suggests. Your feelings are valid, but your tone and wording implies that you are the boss and you're telling your wife what she needs to do.

If I were in her shoes, I would resist going back to work being approached like that.

On the other hand, if you said you had concerns about family finances and asked me when it would be a good time to discuss it, I'd happily be involved with the conversation and coming up with a plan. That plan may be too look for a job. It may be to cut expenses. It may be a combination of the two. But I'd want the conversation to center on the fact that we are the team.

She may be feeling insecure about her career and current marketability. She may also be feeling undervalued for the effort she put into raising kids and making home life run smoother. I'm almost certain that expressing your appreciation for what she's done will go a long way in helping you achieve your objective. Otherwise it's too easy for her to end up feeling defensive.

This is incredibly good advice.

+1
I wish you were my friend and gave me good advice like this.

+100. OP came off sounding like a jack***. They went in together on her being part time, they need to decide what to do next together too.

They did. She was to return to work full time. OP’s wife has unilaterally decided to break that agreeement. Perhaps OP should just quit his job and sit at home all day like his wife?

They did ... many moons ago. Things have changed, plans need to adjust. I can’t imagine running a project and telling my boss I didn’t adapt to circumstances and was sticking rigidly to the plan as written 10years who.

Sure. So OP should just quit his job now and work enough to bring in 18k. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that if she’s seeing clients individually (as in not working at a school, therapy center, or hospital), she’s limited by when clients are available. And if her clients are kids, that’s from about 3-7 after school. I agree there’s ways for her to make more money, but it’s likely to need a complete job change to a different employer.

Though something tells me this isn’t just about money ...

100% agree. And note that OP hasn’t returned in a long time.

+1
$150K a year is good amount of money, especially if there is no childcare cost. I was a SAHM when DH was making $75K and I was able to save 30K in 1 year on that amount, for down-payment on our 300K townhome in Silver Spring. This was with a newborn baby. You can live a very good life with nearly $170K that this couple is making combined ($150+$18). I think there are other issues here. The OP may have champagne tastes on cider salary or he is using DCUM to gaslight his wife because of other reasons.