I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you approached the conversation more diplomatically than your post title suggests. Your feelings are valid, but your tone and wording implies that you are the boss and you're telling your wife what she needs to do.

If I were in her shoes, I would resist going back to work being approached like that.

On the other hand, if you said you had concerns about family finances and asked me when it would be a good time to discuss it, I'd happily be involved with the conversation and coming up with a plan. That plan may be too look for a job. It may be to cut expenses. It may be a combination of the two. But I'd want the conversation to center on the fact that we are the team.

She may be feeling insecure about her career and current marketability. She may also be feeling undervalued for the effort she put into raising kids and making home life run smoother. I'm almost certain that expressing your appreciation for what she's done will go a long way in helping you achieve your objective. Otherwise it's too easy for her to end up feeling defensive.

This is incredibly good advice.

+1
I wish you were my friend and gave me good advice like this.

[Anonymous]

Who do you think you are offering a plan that “may” not include a job if expenses are reduced? The poor guy also needs help. He may want to buy a car, which has been delayed by mini vans and other priorities in the past.

It takes nuggets to offer less amenities to avoid full time work and spend
More time in yoga class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

Nobody making $40/hour can afford a house keeper. You are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Yes, it is good income if your expenses are low.

Family of 4. Stop reaching.

Why are you still married to such a pathetic provider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and make more money. Wanting to stay a lazy Gs15 is a sad excuse for demanding wife work full time after so many years out of the industry.

Ignore the troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

No snow days this year. Sick days happen but at their dc s ages should be more than manageable.
Doctor and Dental appointments are 3x a year if use 2 cleanings and one yearly physical. Can be scheduled at 8 am or 4pm so should fit even with a new work schedule.

No teacher conferences in HS. They do back to school night at 6 or 7pm one of first weeks of school. On veterans day there ( I think) there are tables in the gym if you really need to speak with a teacher. No field trips but maybe a chance to chaperone an evening dance or spring break trip to France but most kids don’t do that.

If she’s a speech therapist probably little travel.

Lunches, laundry can be done by DC before or after school or by parent either end as well. Both parents often help with homework even if one SAH and one WOH depending on their strengths.

Really just trying to highlight to OP to discuss with his DW who may also be thinking like this that none of these items on your list Are insurmountable. Do they require planning, organization, willingness to help, a spirit of cooperation, and a bit of juggling and compromise? Of course but that is life.

Most of us face the tasks on this list daily. Not all days are perfect but it truly is not as daunting or career- sacrificing as you would suggest.

Just another opinion from someone who has been on both sides and went back full time when my youngest was in 5 th grade. However, I wanted to and absolutely love what I do.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is DW has a good life with OP funding all with full time stressful work.

I am sure OP considered divorce but TSP savings an pension will be affected.

Very very unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is DW has a good life with OP funding all with full time stressful work.

I am sure OP considered divorce but TSP savings an pension will be affected.

Very very unfair.

This is why you do not let a spouse stay at home. My young family member will be this guy in 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

Dual working parent households do this all the time. No one feels sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

God you have a rich fantasy life. Let's go through the list:

- high schoolers don't need a parent to stay with them on snow days or holidays. They are perfectly capable of managing themselves for a day!

- teacher conferences can be virtual. I have three kids and have volunteered at school a grand total of never. It is simply not required.

- kids get to and from school on a bus

- high school age kids don't need help with homework. Most of you can't help with high school algebra or chemistry anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you "tell" her, not ask her, per the title of your thread?

Why can't you get a better paying job? In this economy, you can't find a better paying job? What's wrong with you?

She's working PT already. Could she really be pulling the salary you think after taking all those FT years off to raise your kids? Sacrificing her career?

They are her kids too. She got all expenses paid during these years. Let's not pretend OP did nothing. She didn't sacrifice her career - she stayed home willingly.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you actually like your wife? Do you want to stay married?

I’m just trying to understand the background to all of this. From your OP it sounds like you barely communicate with each other and don’t like her very much.

[Anonymous]

OP’s wife needs to step it up. Kids will be in college soon and she should work to help pay for it.

I’m a SAHM and would look for work if DH could not fund kids college tuitions and retirement for both of us. DH is a high earner though and i would make less than 1/10 what he earns. He would rather me be home with our 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Speech therapist conference in Vegas baby!!

Seriously pp?.ops kids are in high school, they can get themselves home, do laundry, make dinner, stay by themselves in snow days ...plus it's not like OP's wife going full time is suddenly going to be working 60 hours a week....

Look I understand all the labor (emotional and otherwise) involved in raising kids but in this situation ops wife should ramp up her hours. Snow days and baking muffins isn't a justification to weaken the family's financial stability

I have two elementary age kids, in different schools, , one with learning disabilities. dH travels 8 days a month, me 2-3, with two li g trips a year (a week plus(. We have no family around at all, except for elderly parent we have to visit at the nursing home and take to doctor. We are new to the area too, not much if a community yer. We don't have a nanny.we do have biweekly cleaners. Yet somehow we manage all this and our kids are younger! Fyi, it's not a requirement to chaperone field trips. I try once a year but it's not a requirement of parenthood...