I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

What in the hell do families do if both parents work? I mean, is it even possible to function?

DP here — You’re missing the point of the PP. it’s not that you can’t have two WOHPs. It means one taking the lead like OP’s wife has done up until now, while she amps up her career — assuming that’s the decision they JOINTLY decide upon. One thing the PP forgot to mention is the default parent needs to be forward thinking about stuff that won’t enter or sink into teens’ minds: finding out what kind of SAT/ACT prep is needed, where to sign up and when, coordinating transportation, making sure kid stays on top of college apps, school work and extracurriculars, making sure kid has food while mom and dad are at work (so many parents eat out and I see so many non-default parents not thinking about kids need while in the thick of things at work), etc.

I have teens in high school who are doing very well, and our family is close. We both work full-time. In our house, you know who does a lot of the investigation work and thinking/education about the college process? Who do their own homework? Who know how to feed themselves healthy food, for God's sake? My own children. They are competent, responsible kids who we have encouraged and taught responsibility to since they were little.

I honestly can't get over how much some of the posters on this thread want to hamstring the competence of their own children. Why don't you want them to take responsibility? To be an active agent in their own lives? It's horrifying and a real window into why teens and college students are such messes these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

What in the hell do families do if both parents work? I mean, is it even possible to function?

DP here — You’re missing the point of the PP. it’s not that you can’t have two WOHPs. It means one taking the lead like OP’s wife has done up until now, while she amps up her career — assuming that’s the decision they JOINTLY decide upon. One thing the PP forgot to mention is the default parent needs to be forward thinking about stuff that won’t enter or sink into teens’ minds: finding out what kind of SAT/ACT prep is needed, where to sign up and when, coordinating transportation, making sure kid stays on top of college apps, school work and extracurriculars, making sure kid has food while mom and dad are at work (so many parents eat out and I see so many non-default parents not thinking about kids need while in the thick of things at work), etc.

Again - how do working parents do it? Do their children all flunk in college admissions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They did ... many moons ago. Things have changed, plans need to adjust. I can’t imagine running a project and telling my boss I didn’t adapt to circumstances and was sticking rigidly to the plan as written 10years who.

Yeah...what changed is she decided that not working is very nice indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being super involved with the kids doesn't mean you do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, doctors appointments, etc. She isn't going tome that much going back after 15 years. At best she will probably make $40-45K and after taxes and paying for a housekeeper and someone to do what she does, it will be less than you think. Why don't you get a better job? I don't get how you cannot live off $150-170+ or how ever much you make when many of us do it comfortably and save for college. Stop spending so much.

If she's smart she'd divorce you and get child support and alimony.

I don't think they should get divorced. I actually see their situation as ideal. Her working p/t, but doing everything home and child related. Which means they both work full time.

I can tell they spend too much, and probably have too high of a mortgage. Many people get into trouble with their homes, cars, or other high expenses. This is the area they need to change. We know many people with great incomes, but they spend most of what they make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that if she’s seeing clients individually (as in not working at a school, therapy center, or hospital), she’s limited by when clients are available. And if her clients are kids, that’s from about 3-7 after school. I agree there’s ways for her to make more money, but it’s likely to need a complete job change to a different employer.

Though something tells me this isn’t just about money ...

100% agree. And note that OP hasn’t returned in a long time.

If I were OP, I would have given up on this thread a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you "tell" her, not ask her, per the title of your thread?

Why can't you get a better paying job? In this economy, you can't find a better paying job? What's wrong with you?

She's working PT already. Could she really be pulling the salary you think after taking all those FT years off to raise your kids? Sacrificing her career?

They are her kids too. She got all expenses paid during these years. Let's not pretend OP did nothing. She didn't sacrifice her career - she stayed home willingly.

OMG. Such belittling of SAHM. Yet if you GET PAID to be a nanny, that is respectable, right? Because the nanny is ACTUALLY GETTING PAID? So taking care of kids, driving them to practices and dental appointments is only valuable work if you are actually paid to do it for another family.


Meanwhile, OP knows he is not earning enough in his career and is not pursuing more lucrative position in private sector.

On DCUM, these weak make providers get all the support.

This word gives me the creeps. Wake up people. It is 2020! What about women empowerment? equality? We don't need to be provided for.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

But she hasn't even tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

She is an SLP. Do you know how in demand that skill is in this area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

But she hasn't even tried.

I know plenty of middle aged women who returned to work making good money. Your comments are just an excuse. The reality is she is already working so it would not
be a big deal to go full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you "tell" her, not ask her, per the title of your thread?

Why can't you get a better paying job? In this economy, you can't find a better paying job? What's wrong with you?

She's working PT already. Could she really be pulling the salary you think after taking all those FT years off to raise your kids? Sacrificing her career?

They are her kids too. She got all expenses paid during these years. Let's not pretend OP did nothing. She didn't sacrifice her career - she stayed home willingly.

OMG. Such belittling of SAHM. Yet if you GET PAID to be a nanny, that is respectable, right? Because the nanny is ACTUALLY GETTING PAID? So taking care of kids, driving them to practices and dental appointments is only valuable work if you are actually paid to do it for another family.


Meanwhile, OP knows he is not earning enough in his career and is not pursuing more lucrative position in private sector.

On DCUM, these weak make providers get all the support.

That is because there is much envy and bitterness from many WOHMs who have to work to make ends meet. They are married to these men. They need to dump on SAHMs to feel better about their own lives. A post like OPs makes them feel superior to their own choices.

Here is the simple fact - the world over, men have more money and assets than women. Most of SAHMs and most WOHMs are not high HHI. Wealthy people do not give a damn if you are SAHM or WOHM. In the end, I would prefer to be a wealthy SAHM with my own money, than hard working poor WOHMs who have very little money of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary. '
budget better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

But she hasn't even tried.

How do you know? Because you are in team OP? How can you believe a whiny, ingrate who is not smart enough to a) earn more or b)create wealth from a decent $150K income? C'mon - even his wife has no respect for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you "tell" her, not ask her, per the title of your thread?

Why can't you get a better paying job? In this economy, you can't find a better paying job? What's wrong with you?

She's working PT already. Could she really be pulling the salary you think after taking all those FT years off to raise your kids? Sacrificing her career?

They are her kids too. She got all expenses paid during these years. Let's not pretend OP did nothing. She didn't sacrifice her career - she stayed home willingly.

OMG. Such belittling of SAHM. Yet if you GET PAID to be a nanny, that is respectable, right? Because the nanny is ACTUALLY GETTING PAID? So taking care of kids, driving them to practices and dental appointments is only valuable work if you are actually paid to do it for another family.


Meanwhile, OP knows he is not earning enough in his career and is not pursuing more lucrative position in private sector.

On DCUM, these weak make providers get all the support.

This word gives me the creeps. Wake up people. It is 2020! What about women empowerment? equality? We don't need to be provided for.

I think it's weird, I've only seen it used here - not in real life!

Income earned is joint in a marriage. With both their incomes they should be doing fine, OP's wife apparently wants to keep her job. Just like OP. Unless they've somehow gotten themselves in debt I don't see a problem. Like most kids they can get jobs and loans once they get to college.