I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

What about medical benefits? Disability/life/ad&d insurance? 401k w/ employer match? Heck, she could put a huge percentage of her pre-tax salary into her 401k so they could better prepare for retirement. She would have the ability to insure her children if, god forbid, her husband had to drop out of the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Yes, it is good income if your expenses are low.

Family of 4. Stop reaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

I’m a GS15 in my late 40s, assume OP is in his 50s.

How do we magically increase our incomes? I’ve applied to dozens of equivalent private industry roles, gotten at least a dozen offers and none paid any more than I make now but involved more risk. I imagine if I went into company leadership I would make more, but no traction when I broached that during negotiations. And of course you have seen many threads about being laid off in 50s.

So I would really like to know how OP can whip up another $40k like that?

My husband did not get his degree till 40 and had to start all over in a new career. He job jumped every two years or so and kept getting increases. You sound like a bunch of excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

Not everyone has a housekeeper, Gardner, etc. They will be fine without those things.... She needs to help towards the children college, their own retirement, etc. What is wrong with people not contributing to their own life?

She very much is contribution. They don't need a housekeeper or gardner as she dose all that. He only "helps" with the kids so what driving a few times for activities. Nothing wrong with staying home. When we are all dead, reality is we are replaceable at our jobs and no one will care when you are six feet under. You value what you do far more than others do. What she does is equally if not more valuable and he couldn't do everything he had to do if he had to do 1/2 which he probably has no concept of as she just does it.

We both work and don’t have a housekeeper or gardener, lots of people don’t when you have high school age kids.

That’s great she values hanging with SAHomies all day, but with kids this age there isn’t much to do and no great value to her DH life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Yes, it is good income if your expenses are low.

Family of 4. Stop reaching.

I'm not reaching. What does a family of four have to do with it? You choose to have kids. You need to live within your means. You can apply for housing and other assistance if you are not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lay out the budget and show her that there's a shortage and that you're living very tight. Maybe then she'll get the picture. Right now it just sounds like she's being bratty and selfish and probably doesn't want to be the wife in her friend group who HAS to work.

This.

Divorce will cost more financially than staying together.

Also, she needs to start looking because the job search process can take a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

Not everyone has a housekeeper, Gardner, etc. They will be fine without those things.... She needs to help towards the children college, their own retirement, etc. What is wrong with people not contributing to their own life?

She very much is contribution. They don't need a housekeeper or gardner as she dose all that. He only "helps" with the kids so what driving a few times for activities. Nothing wrong with staying home. When we are all dead, reality is we are replaceable at our jobs and no one will care when you are six feet under. You value what you do far more than others do. What she does is equally if not more valuable and he couldn't do everything he had to do if he had to do 1/2 which he probably has no concept of as she just does it.

We both work and don’t have a housekeeper or gardener, lots of people don’t when you have high school age kids.

That’s great she values hanging with SAHomies all day, but with kids this age there isn’t much to do and no great value to her DH life.

But, her husband isn't offering to do anything but "help" with the kids. So, without a contribution from him at home, she has a lot of value. If she wasn't there, he'd have to pay someone to do all that she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

+1, time for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.

And these are high schoolers!! PP is desperate to make SAH this heavy workload; it’s not. It’s a nice lifestyle choice if you can afford it, and DH would love for me to be home to make me more relaxed because he loves me, but I see the financial needs we have and have to go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

If she makes $18 part time she'll make $40, maybe 50K. After taxes, a housekeeper and extra expenses due to work it may not be as much as he thinks.

What about medical benefits? Disability/life/ad&d insurance? 401k w/ employer match? Heck, she could put a huge percentage of her pre-tax salary into her 401k so they could better prepare for retirement. She would have the ability to insure her children if, god forbid, her husband had to drop out of the workforce.

If her husband had to drop out of the work force, they could get private insurance or medicaid.

You don't need disability, life and Ad&d if she isn't working. She isn't going to take home as much as you are making it sound. She has medical benefits from her husband so why double pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

She can live on her own $18k income after her husband divorces her, then.

They have kids. She'd get child support and possibly alimony.

And have to support herself for the rest. Seems fair.

For 4 years maybe, kids are in high school.

PP you responded to. She should support herself anyway, regardless of any benefit for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

This is hilarious. It’s the OP situation in reverse.

Breadwinner spouse complaining about low income spouse not working to make more money; only genders are reversed.

But no one goes ‘why did you marry her’.