My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

[Anonymous]

My 40 year old husband wants to leave our 10 year marriage and our family (three children under 10) because he believes there is a "great love" or "soul-mate" out there just waiting to be found by him. I am his second wife. He says his first marriage was a mistake. Now I am a mistake. We have had a lot of problems, mostly because of me, he claims. He is not perfect and won't accept that he might have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. We have been to counseling and our counselor even believes that we are both to blame. She also doesn't believe in the concept of a soul-mate, but that you make a life and great love with the person you have chosen to marry (why else would you have married them?). Anything that the counselor says that he doesn't agree with, he won't accept.

He believes that finding some great love is the only way you can be happy. If he were to leave, he thinks his life will get easier. He thinks I will care for our three kids most of the time while he has time to find happiness. He even suggested he go live overseas where he has always wanted to travel. He would just send money home. We have three BOYS. Boys need their father around. He is a good father most of the time and loves them but I think he would have no trouble detaching and it would break their hearts.

I guarantee he won't find his soul-mate. Because he has enough personal issues (not having anything to do with me) that even if he finds someone, it won't last. He lives in a fantasy world. He keeps saying "life is short" and is really depressed. He keeps going on and on about the career he wishes he had. He just turned 40 last week. When I tell him it sounds like a midlife crisis he says no. It is just an unhappy marriage.

There are so many other things in play here. We have not had the best marriage, there have been many rough times and many times I was not easy to live with. Neither was he. But the facts are that I want to keep the marriage intact. I am not willing to sacrifice my children's opportunity to grow up in a home with two parents who could get along and enjoy doing things together for the sake of finding someone "better" suited to me. I believe you find happiness within yourself. That you don't rely on someone else to be happy.

Should I let him go or keep fighting? I think if he could realize that this great love might not be waiting out there and it wouldn't be a simple, happy life even if he did, he would try harder to make this marriage work. Don't a lot of third marriages break up statistically? All of our friends and family at home who know us think he is making a HUGE HUGE mistake.

And please don't just say "leave him", because it is much more complicated than that. We have three young kids and I know I could make it work on my own but their quality of life would suffer and they would have to leave their home, school, friends, activities. I am a SAHM so I cannot afford the area we live in on the amount of child support he would be paying and any job I get would cancel out childcare for the kid who is not in school and before and after care for those who are. I moved around a lot as a kid and so did my husband and we both know what that can do to a child's well being and self esteem. I want to avoid that for my kids at all costs.

[Cassiopeia]

It does sound like a midlife crisis. Some guys buy a Porsche, some have affairs. Your husband wants to find his soulmate. I feel for you!

I totally understand the realization that life is ending, youth is ending and wanting desperately to hang on, to fulfill your dreams, to not die with regrets.

He needs to understand that walking out on his family to pursue a "soulmate" is ridiculous. Yes, there are people in life that you click with. There is instant chemistry, you feel so comfortable with them, you can tell them anything.

You do not have to marry these people. There isn't just one soulmate. All that term means is the experience of happening to meet someone who you're chemically attuned with and both of you being lonely and wanting, needing a deep connection.

As far as what you can do, I would gently, and I know you must be seething, but gently point out the consequences of his actions on his children. Twenty years from now, will he be proud of the fact that he left his kids to pursue this foolish dream? And it is foolish. What does he picture his relationship with his children being like then? Wouldn't he rather set aside the dream of a soulmate in favor of the dream of raising good and healthy men? It's a much greater gift to the world.

Also, what does he picture this soulmate being like? What would be so wonderful about this relationship? Personally I have never found a romantic love that came close to the depth of love I feel as a mother. I would cheerfully die for my children. Maybe if he could get in touch with his paternal love it would supplant the desire for a soulmate? If he's looking for a deep love, I mean.

As for his longing to travel, what if he just took a vacation abroad? Perhaps he could take a month off and go volunteer in a less developed country, or backpack around Europe.

There are ways to feel that he's living life fully without wrecking the lives of everyone around him in the process. I hope he finds them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could find a better counselor, one skilled with mid-life crisis and helping people figure out how they get trapped in vicious cycles of longing.

It's tough to get someone to see that the answer to what they're missing is inside themselves. If you didn't have the kids, I'd say let him go and save yourself the torment of endlessly not being good enough. But you have kids, and he needs to grow up and learn to appreciate what he has.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your husband is such a shit head!

Sometimes enlisting family help can make the situation better - especially his family. If he is a delusional idiot who has already burned through one marriage, his parents or siblings might see your point of view. He might listen to them because he grew up with them?

[Anonymous]

What is there to say? He's a man child.

I don't think changing counselors will help given that he doesn't listen anyway. Maybe try a man counselor?

I'm sorry OP but it won't be the end of the world. Your husband clearly isn't your soulmate and maybe him leaving means you also find someone better for you.

[Anonymous]

You can't make him stay if he doesn't want to. I am so sorry this is happening to you and your children.
Your husband sounds so selfish.

[Anonymous]

I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

You can't force him to stay and why would you want someone that truly isn't happy with you? Who cares who is to blame. Who cares if you have to work and your children will have to switch homes and schools? You seem more concerned with how your life will change, in the end. You listens no faults of your own in the marriage. Children need two HAPPY parents, not just two parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't force him to stay and why would you want someone that truly isn't happy with you? Who cares who is to blame. Who cares if you have to work and your children will have to switch homes and schools? You seem more concerned with how your life will change, in the end. You listens no faults of your own in the marriage. Children need two HAPPY parents, not just two parents.

Did you read the post? He is planning to move overseas and abandon his children. That crosses over into complete narcissistic a-hole territory - not just "oh, well, it didn't work out."

[Anonymous]

Three boys. This sucks. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Being outside the situation, I don't know that you can hold on to someone that doesn't want to stay. That puts you in an awful situation of accepting whatever sh$$ he wants to hand out. He very well may decide to pursue whatever soul mate while married if you refuse to consider a divorce or be such a jerk and argue with you about everything because he wants to assert control where he can or push you to the brink to want to divorce him. I had a mom that was of the school that no matter how my dad behaved in the eyes of God they were married so she would NOT divorce him. It was terrible as kids hearing our parents argue all the time. They would contradict each other with child rearing things all the time and then start arguing putting the kids in the middle. My dad had a girlfriend and would lie to us about where he was and there were times we had no way to reach him. Eventually one of the girlfriends convinced him to divorce my mom and he served her papers and I think there was some legal thing where she HAD to move out the house and wasn't sure if you could afford to buy him out. To my dad's credit he waited until the youngest was out of high school before he initiated the divorce so my mom wasn't kicked out the house with the kids. So needless to say I don't believe in staying together for the kids. You either both commit to working on the marriage and maybe having kids is the push to keep trying or you split up. The living together as husband and wife while having boyfriend/girlfriends on the side while arguing about everything because everyone is miserable and happy but saying you are together for the kids is BS.

However, the one thing I think is you are right to insist he needs to do right by his kids. He can find a soul mate but that soul mate needs to like kids because he will have his 40% of the time and coach little league be at parent teacher conferences etc. When you go back to work in this post divorce world he should know up front how that changes his responsibilities and that to afford what you need to do with the kids he may need a second job etc until the youngest is out of day care or you need to have the type of space where you can have an Au pair. Etc. I'm with you that I doubt the 3rd marriage or soul mate etc. Would make him any happier. But I'm truly shaking my head at the unlimited time and money he thinks he will have while raising 3 young boys with partial custody and working full-time.

[Anonymous]

Cassiopeia wrote:It does sound like a midlife crisis. Some guys buy a Porsche, some have affairs. Your husband wants to find his soulmate. I feel for you!

I totally understand the realization that life is ending, youth is ending and wanting desperately to hang on, to fulfill your dreams, to not die with regrets.

He needs to understand that walking out on his family to pursue a "soulmate" is ridiculous. Yes, there are people in life that you click with. There is instant chemistry, you feel so comfortable with them, you can tell them anything.

You do not have to marry these people. There isn't just one soulmate. All that term means is the experience of happening to meet someone who you're chemically attuned with and both of you being lonely and wanting, needing a deep connection.

As far as what you can do, I would gently, and I know you must be seething, but gently point out the consequences of his actions on his children. Twenty years from now, will he be proud of the fact that he left his kids to pursue this foolish dream? And it is foolish. What does he picture his relationship with his children being like then? Wouldn't he rather set aside the dream of a soulmate in favor of the dream of raising good and healthy men? It's a much greater gift to the world.

Also, what does he picture this soulmate being like? What would be so wonderful about this relationship? Personally I have never found a romantic love that came close to the depth of love I feel as a mother. I would cheerfully die for my children. Maybe if he could get in touch with his paternal love it would supplant the desire for a soulmate? If he's looking for a deep love, I mean.

As for his longing to travel, what if he just took a vacation abroad? Perhaps he could take a month off and go volunteer in a less developed country, or backpack around Europe.

There are ways to feel that he's living life fully without wrecking the lives of everyone around him in the process. I hope he finds them.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I feel similar to you about my children and have pointed out the consequences many times. He doesn't seem to get it. He thinks he will have the world at his disposal if he leaves. He thinks he can get a better place to live (we live in a 100 year old house with NO closets and rooms too small for dressers so all his clothes are hanging on a huge clothing rack in the basement laundry room. He also hates that there is no where to sit by the back door to put on his shoes...etc.) He thinks he can go back to school if we divorce, something he is unwilling to try to make work now because he says he doesn't have the time or money. But he's gonna get plenty of that by leaving me how?? He would still have to keep his job, visit the kids and do everything else for himself. I do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, Bill paying. I even started setting out his breakfast and preparing his coffee, dinners, etc. I mean he does nothing at home except eat and sleep. He used to do a ton more, but he got burned out.

I told him to go to the gym after work, go on a group bike trip, take yoga. He says he is too tired to do anything.
I guess I'm hopelessly trying to get him to see these issues in his life don't go away because we get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

He has already divorced one woman. I would start looking for a job so you have options.

[Anonymous]

Has he been screened for depression?

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed. You keep mentioning that he is tired. That can be a sign of depression. Would he be willing to see a phychiatrist? Medication might really help.