My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP....I'm sorry to say, he completely sounds like a narcissist. I'm sure you can draw this whole marriage charade out a tinly bit longer, but the writing is on the wall. Better get planning. If he is a narcissist, then there's no hope for help. These people are black holes of human misery...ruining everything they touch.

I feel horribly sorry for your boys. I hope there is some other male in their life that can show them how to grow up and be a man.

And for Gods sake...why in the hell is anyone a SAHM??? I watched my mom go through the exact same thing with 3 kids. It was awful. She had no earining potential and was really fucked as the primary care giver.

+1 this was my first thought when I saw the title as an obsessive desire to find or the belief in one true love or soulmate is actually one of the traits of NPD.

Sorry, op.

Really? Thanks I didn't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.

Googled 180. Is it the movie?

Here is the a link.

http://affaircare.com/the-180/

Thank you. Did it actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so so sorry. My FIL does this. He is now on marriage number 5. (Although he waits to leave his marriage until he has located the new wife-- not clear if your husband thinks he has found his 'soul mate'.) He has left a path of destruction and has not found fulfillment.

After seeing that he has already had an affair, I don't think there is much hope.
Are you part of a church? Does anyone exercise any authority over your DH?

I do go to church sometimes. But no one over my DH giving him any guidance except his parents whose response to divorce is "go for it!!!" Literally.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. He never grew up.

Good luck to you and your boys.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone who gave helpful and hopeful messages. Really needed to have a soundboard as all my friends and most of my family know only minute details about our marital problems and no one knows about his affair which has made it so hard to deal with. DH already blames me for isolating him by telling my family he has left so many times. He is now afraid to associate with anyone and everyone I know. He assumed I would tell no one and just cope alone.

To all the others in the same or similar situation, I hope everything turns out wonderful for you. Hoping for myself too.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, your sons will be sad and their lives will be disrupted in the short term, and yes, you want to provide them with stability. But think about what you are teaching them now, for the long term: by staying with their dad, you are teaching them that this is how men should treat women. DH's behavior is their prime example, and you are telling them that it's ok. Is that the kind of man you want your sons to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually the therapist said that because he has so much work to do on himself. Why do you self-righteous people come on here to post only ugly messages. Don't you have better things to do with your time? Says so much about you that you took the time to make this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sound like Mark Sanford.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious. Your marriage is over. I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.

Yes, it is hanging on its very last, thin, fraying thread. Its just very hard for me to reconcile what I will have to see my boys go through. They are always asking where he is and love spending time with him when he is home. And my husband never behaved like this up until the last year. He was an ever-attentive father and probably gave too much of himself. We are not fighting. He just says he feels numb. Feels nothing.

I guess I was just hoping it was midlife crisis crap and he would realize before its too late.

One of the PPs here - I promise you that once you set your mind and emotions to cutting that last thread, you will feel a million times better, and your children will have their mom back. I'm not saying any of this is easy, but it sounds like you are going through the hardest parts now, or have already gone through them. You just have to take that final step and as one poster said, let him continue to act out while you get your exit plan together. You CAN DO THIS!

And you are right, your primary job is to raise your boys, and you can't do that if you are expending all of your emotional energy on trying to hold your marriage together. You deserve and need a partner, not a 4th child. I was a SAHM too, but I'm making it work. And I bet you have many friends who will give you the emotional and childcaring support you need right now. Lean on them, I'm sure they've been watching this go on for a while, and will be proud of you for saving you and your kids from a rotten situation. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so so sorry. My FIL does this. He is now on marriage number 5. (Although he waits to leave his marriage until he has located the new wife-- not clear if your husband thinks he has found his 'soul mate'.) He has left a path of destruction and has not found fulfillment.

After seeing that he has already had an affair, I don't think there is much hope.
Are you part of a church? Does anyone exercise any authority over your DH?

I do go to church sometimes. But no one over my DH giving him any guidance except his parents whose response to divorce is "go for it!!!" Literally. [/quote]

*John McEnroe voice* : "You cannot be serious".

Did they hate you when you were dating him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

He sounds very selfish. I think you need to tell some close friends or family, so they can help you through this. It's hard to really know what advice to give without actually knowing the person. It sounds, though, like you need to let him go, so you can plan for predictability in your life without him. His coming and going isn't good for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

where the hell do you women find these guys?

i'm sorry but there had to be huge red flags during the dating period.

[Anonymous]

OP if you have a great family and he will willingly let you leave with the kids, then do so. When my parents divorced my mother waited until summer to leave so she would have time to figure stuff out before the school year started. We lived with my grandparents until she buy a house and get a job. Her parents lived in a very low cost of living area, so that helped a lot. If your kids are young enough and close to your family, then they will adjust. They may even be excited, especially if you make it sound like an adventure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

is this for real??

[Anonymous]

He's is a narcissist with low self-esteem and need for approval. That's what causes narcissism. You've gotten good advice her. Please lock up your bank accounts and let this man go.