My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.

Googled 180. Is it the movie?

Here is the a link.

http://affaircare.com/the-180/

Thank you. Did it actually work?

Wait, wait, wait. NP here. The 180 is NOT about getting the wayward back in the marriage, but about moving forward with your life without additional hurt.

Sometimes, when the betrayed does that, it helps the wayward re-evaluate their choices. But not always.

The 180 is about YOU. Not your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the therapist said that because he has so much work to do on himself. Why do you self-righteous people come on here to post only ugly messages. Don't you have better things to do with your time? Says so much about you that you took the time to make this post.

Hey Nutty-get the fuck out of here.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some really great advice IMHO

However, I'd like to explore the other possibilities to ponder other solutions.

Why is it that he doesn't think you're his soulmate ?

How have you let him down ?

What anguish have you caused him ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Nutty-get the fuck out of here.

You mean the OP right?
I mean...(giggle)...what a wild story...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You've gotten some really great advice IMHO

However, I'd like to explore the other possibilities to ponder other solutions.

Why is it that he doesn't think you're his soulmate ?

How have you let him down ?

What anguish have you caused him ?

I cry BS on this. OP is not to blame, and she seems to own her role in their marriage difficulties. But it takes two willing partners to make a marriage work, or to repair a rift, and you are basically telling her she's not trying hard enough? The only thing she needs to explore now is how to bolster her resources (emotional, financial, all of it), and get out. Let him have his life as he has obviously already checked out. Who the f*ck cares why he doesn't think she's his soulmate? That is crazy-making talk, and not helpful to anyone in her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

is this for real??

Yes. That's how out of touch with reality he is.

[Anonymous]

I was recently reading a book about raising boys (sorry, I don't remember the title) and the author was stressing the importance of the father's role in creating well rounded children. Do you think your husband would be open to reading something that may help him change his mind and stick around for the boys? Some of the problem in communicating with him about his feelings is that you two obviously have a charged relationship and he may be more willing to listen to a more neutral party (ie a book, a close friend, someone in his family who he trusts/admires). If you haven't already, I would try reaching out to someone to talk with him about some of these feelings, someone who he thinks will be more unbiased than you will).
(no offense meant at all to you, of course! This is the nature of relationships)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

Do you recognize how mind-blowing this is?? How can you possibly rebuild after something like this? It's a losing battle, OP. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Ok I read from page 1 & 2 of this post. My first thought was maybe he is having and internet affair. Then when I skipped to page 5...is that you OP who posted your husband left you for an out of the county lover who moved here and the two of them planned to take your three boys from you so he and his lover could have a happy family??? WTF! If this is true. Kick his ass out, file a restraining order, I wouldn't want this horrible excuse for a man even participating in raising my boys. Get a divorce as fast as you can and hopefully full custody. I would, and you should, have big concerns about him taking your children and moving them out of the county. BE VERY CAREFUL. You need to get a backbone, a good lawyer and enlist law enforcement. Or is it that you prefer "Jerry Springer". So sorry for your boys they didn't ask for this and don't deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a court order to cease his assets and confiscate his passport

^^^^^YES^^^^^^ what are you waiting for. Move on it woman you may wake up to an empty house very soon if you don't!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the kids thing, a man who would consider moving abroad and never seeing his kids, with sending home child support being enough, isn't someone who's going to hurt his children by leaving. He's someone who is already hurting his children because of how checked out he already is. It sounds like he's introduced a tremendous amount of instability into their lives with all of his comings and goings, and you've been complicit in that by allowing him to keep coming back. If you really want to do right by your kids, I would divorce him so you can ensure that whatever he does, your children will always have one stable, dependable home to come to.

OP...you need to listen to this if you never listen to anyone else in your life. It is your job to protect your kids. What are you doing????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious. Your marriage is over. I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.

Yes, it is hanging on its very last, thin, fraying thread. Its just very hard for me to reconcile what I will have to see my boys go through. They are always asking where he is and love spending time with him when he is home. And my husband never behaved like this up until the last year. He was an ever-attentive father and probably gave too much of himself. We are not fighting. He just says he feels numb. Feels nothing.

I guess I was just hoping it was midlife crisis crap and he would realize before its too late.

Are you sure he is not having another affair? Sure sounds like to me he is struggling to let go even though his "other brain" wants to be with the other woman. Baby he is a loser. Send him on his way your boys will be much better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so so sorry. My FIL does this. He is now on marriage number 5. (Although he waits to leave his marriage until he has located the new wife-- not clear if your husband thinks he has found his 'soul mate'.) He has left a path of destruction and has not found fulfillment.

After seeing that he has already had an affair, I don't think there is much hope.
Are you part of a church? Does anyone exercise any authority over your DH?

I do go to church sometimes. But no one over my DH giving him any guidance except his parents whose response to divorce is "go for it!!!" Literally. [/quote]

*John McEnroe voice* : "You cannot be serious".

Did they hate you when you were dating him?

http://www.gifs.net/image/Hobbies_and_Entertainment/Dances_Ethnic/Belly_dancer_4/10087

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.

Googled 180. Is it the movie?

Here is the a link.

http://affaircare.com/the-180/

Thank you. Did it actually work?

Yes it worked ... It helped me move on. I would not say it helped him. He ended up going to counseling and it took 3 years before I would say he "got it".

[Anonymous]

OP needs to get a lawyer and take her husband for everything she can. That guy is going to go to Europe and NOT send money to the kids. He's going to walk.