Reply to My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Cassiopeia]It does sound like a midlife crisis. Some guys buy a Porsche, some have affairs. Your husband wants to find his soulmate. I feel for you!

I totally understand the realization that life is ending, youth is ending and wanting desperately to hang on, to fulfill your dreams, to not die with regrets.

He needs to understand that walking out on his family to pursue a "soulmate" is ridiculous. Yes, there are people in life that you click with. There is instant chemistry, you feel so comfortable with them, you can tell them anything.

You do not have to marry these people. There isn't just one soulmate. All that term means is the experience of happening to meet someone who you're chemically attuned with and both of you being lonely and wanting, needing a deep connection.

As far as what you can do, I would gently, and I know you must be seething, but gently point out the consequences of his actions on his children. Twenty years from now, will he be proud of the fact that he left his kids to pursue this foolish dream?  And it is foolish. What does he picture his relationship with his children being like then?  Wouldn't he rather set aside the dream of a soulmate in favor of the dream of raising good and healthy men?  It's a much greater gift to the world.

Also, what does he picture this soulmate being like?  What would be so wonderful about this relationship?  Personally I have never found a romantic love that came close to the depth of love I feel as a mother. I would cheerfully die for my children. Maybe if he could get in touch with his paternal love it would supplant the desire for a soulmate?  If he's looking for a deep love, I mean.

As for his longing to travel, what if he just took a vacation abroad?  Perhaps he could take a month off and go volunteer in a less developed country, or backpack around Europe.

There are ways to feel that he's living life fully without wrecking the lives of everyone around him in the process. I hope he finds them. [/quote]

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I feel similar to you about my children and have pointed out the consequences many times. He doesn't seem to get it. He thinks he will have the world at his disposal if he leaves. He thinks he can get a better place to live (we live in a 100 year old house with NO closets and rooms too small for dressers so all his clothes are hanging on a huge clothing rack in the basement laundry room. He also hates that there is no where to sit by the back door to put on his shoes...etc.) He thinks he can go back to school if we divorce, something he is unwilling to try to make work now because he says he doesn't have the time or money. But he's gonna get plenty of that by leaving me how?? He would still have to keep his job, visit the kids and do everything else for himself. I do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, Bill paying. I even started setting out his breakfast and preparing his coffee, dinners, etc. I mean he does nothing at home except eat and sleep. He used to do a ton more, but he got burned out.

I told him to go to the gym after work, go on a group bike trip, take yoga. He says he is too tired to do anything.
I guess I'm hopelessly trying to get him to see these issues in his life don't go away because we get a divorce.[/quote]

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