My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a court order to cease his assets and confiscate his passport

^^^^^YES^^^^^^ what are you waiting for. Move on it woman you may wake up to an empty house very soon if you don't!

I can't very well confiscate his passport. I don't even know where it is and that is not legal. But last year when he left me for OW I moved a lot of our money in our joint acct to an acct with only my name. He has no access to it and doesn't ask about it. (yes I know half is his but I wanted to make sure it didn't disappear). I hired a lawyer. I am on the deed to my house--he cannot take it from under me. Yes I know what I need to do. It seems incredulous looking at it from the outside. It's a lot more complicated when you are living it. I am a headstrong woman and I have a backbone. I am not naive.

Just one more thing. About the mind-blowing story. All of it is true. And my DH did do everything of his own free will. But his parents were orchestrating the entire thing while he was laying sick for part of the time in the hospital. I stupidly called them to ask them if they knew who OW was. (at that point it was just an e-mail relationship) So they found out about it and they arranged for the OW to come to the US. My MIL even hired OW as her "assistant" to get OW a Visa. My DH found out OW was in the states when he went to visit his parents in California (his parents had OW come and live near them) because his mom suddenly got Cancer (not sure if it is true). Then his parents drove 2000 miles here to hatch their plan. They went to all the realtor showings for him while he was at work. They hired his lawyer and paid for it and then tried to take control of the case for him. He had to tell his lawyer NOT to talk to his parents. They got him a P.O. box and transferred all his mail there.

I know he is responsible for all his actions. He is an adult and makes his own his choices. But he is not a controlling and manipulative person as some are led to believe. He touched not one cent of the thousands that were left in our checking and continued to direct deposit his entire paycheck in our acct. for the two months he was gone. He may be unstable but he really is a puppet who lets people pull his strings. Most of all his parents. And his dad left he and his mom homeless living in a car at 17. Cleaned out their bank account and disappeared for four years. DH has learned this behavior. That is the reason I forgave him. Because he had a really hard life growing up with insane parents who neglected him and up until last year he spent 9 years trying to do everything right.

I'm not making excuses for what he did. I probably cannot get over what he has done. But I do have compassion and understanding for people and their flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Did they hate you when you were dating him?

Yes. They hated me the first time they met me. You know why? Because we had had many conversations on the phone and I was a little more reserved in person when we met. I was friendly and really thought they were nice people. But I was not gushing all over her with praise and adoration. I was not who MIL wanted me to be. She told me this was the reason to my face.

[Anonymous]

To add: I didn't know they hated me immediately until MIL told me this last year. So I didn't go into the marriage knowing that my ILs hated me. They are narcissistic so of course they made themselves seem perfect and loving for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the kids thing, a man who would consider moving abroad and never seeing his kids, with sending home child support being enough, isn't someone who's going to hurt his children by leaving. He's someone who is already hurting his children because of how checked out he already is. It sounds like he's introduced a tremendous amount of instability into their lives with all of his comings and goings, and you've been complicit in that by allowing him to keep coming back. If you really want to do right by your kids, I would divorce him so you can ensure that whatever he does, your children will always have one stable, dependable home to come to.

OP...you need to listen to this if you never listen to anyone else in your life. It is your job to protect your kids. What are you doing????

OP here. I wholeheartedly agree. I know this is huge.

----When all my kids were born my DH would get up in the night to rock them back to sleep and sing to them. He would walk them up and down the sidewalk in front of our house to soothe them. He always had a smile and a kind word for them. He played with them all the time and took them on adventures to see trains and connect with nature. He took them to baseball games, drew pictures with them, read them countless stories. He wore them on his back while mowing the lawn. Went to all their concerts, baseball games, teacher conferences, took off days of work to go to doctors appointments (I have a special needs son). He would write out detailed lists of how we could do this or that to better their lives. He was very invested for 9 years up until the last year or so. He still does a lot of things for them but is very tired and depressed. Our kids LOVE him. There is more to consider than the horrible way he has behaved in the last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the kids thing, a man who would consider moving abroad and never seeing his kids, with sending home child support being enough, isn't someone who's going to hurt his children by leaving. He's someone who is already hurting his children because of how checked out he already is. It sounds like he's introduced a tremendous amount of instability into their lives with all of his comings and goings, and you've been complicit in that by allowing him to keep coming back. If you really want to do right by your kids, I would divorce him so you can ensure that whatever he does, your children will always have one stable, dependable home to come to.

OP...you need to listen to this if you never listen to anyone else in your life. It is your job to protect your kids. What are you doing????

OP here. I wholeheartedly agree. I know this is huge.

----When all my kids were born my DH would get up in the night to rock them back to sleep and sing to them. He would walk them up and down the sidewalk in front of our house to soothe them. He always had a smile and a kind word for them. He played with them all the time and took them on adventures to see trains and connect with nature. He took them to baseball games, drew pictures with them, read them countless stories. He wore them on his back while mowing the lawn. Went to all their concerts, baseball games, teacher conferences, took off days of work to go to doctors appointments (I have a special needs son). He would write out detailed lists of how we could do this or that to better their lives. He was very invested for 9 years up until the last year or so. He still does a lot of things for them but is very tired and depressed. Our kids LOVE him. There is more to consider than the horrible way he has behaved in the last year.

06:46 here -
My ex too. Which makes it extra sad. Except that for the past three years all he brought to the family is chaos and instability. It's ok to mourn what you've lost. But the man you are describe above is not the man you are living with now. He has left you already. And a man who truly loves his children sticks around and treasures his family, through thick and thin. And tries to make it work with his wife. You need to leave. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP....I'm sorry to say, he completely sounds like a narcissist. I'm sure you can draw this whole marriage charade out a tinly bit longer, but the writing is on the wall. Better get planning. If he is a narcissist, then there's no hope for help. These people are black holes of human misery...ruining everything they touch.

I feel horribly sorry for your boys. I hope there is some other male in their life that can show them how to grow up and be a man.

And for Gods sake...why in the hell is anyone a SAHM??? I watched my mom go through the exact same thing with 3 kids. It was awful. She had no earining potential and was really fucked as the primary care giver.

I don't think hes a narcissist. He's a people pleaser with low self-esteem. I think he thinks he's given too much to everyone in this world without any thanks and now he's going to do what HE wants for a change.

I have a great family who will be there for me and the kids. So yes, we will all be fine. Its just hard letting go of the dream of a family that I have seen my parents and siblings have. Especially for my boys.

I wish I wasn't a SAHM. But I had faith in our future and is was the best course to take when we began having kids. Big mistake.

This guy is a narcissist. Open you eyes…He sure did give too much of himself to everyone…give his dick to another woman and has fantasies of abandoning his family. He's a loser. His first wife can tell you all about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a court order to cease his assets and confiscate his passport

^^^^^YES^^^^^^ what are you waiting for. Move on it woman you may wake up to an empty house very soon if you don't!

I know he is responsible for all his actions. He is an adult and makes his own his choices. But he is not a controlling and manipulative person as some are led to believe. He touched not one cent of the thousands that were left in our checking and continued to direct deposit his entire paycheck in our acct. for the two months he was gone. He may be unstable but he really is a puppet who lets people pull his strings. Most of all his parents. And his dad left he and his mom homeless living in a car at 17. Cleaned out their bank account and disappeared for four years. DH has learned this behavior. That is the reason I forgave him. Because he had a really hard life growing up with insane parents who neglected him and up until last year he spent 9 years trying to do everything right.

I'm not making excuses for what he did. I probably cannot get over what he has done. But I do have compassion and understanding for people and their flaws.

I have daughters and I worry that they will be attracted to that guy with the troubled background and forgive him anything because of it. There is that line between being compassionate and understanding that someone may have seen a different example growing up and not holding the person accountable to do better because they know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to get a lawyer and take her husband for everything she can. That guy is going to go to Europe and NOT send money to the kids. He's going to walk.

+1000 this was my first thought. As a PP noted, get theeself a lawyer pronto, seize all assets, but not the passport. Let the fucker go. He's a manchild whom you do not want raising your kids. He's already checked out and sounds like he doesn't even want to be a father.

My sister has a manchild ex. He is quite pathetic. His 2nd (or is it 3rd now) marriage failed, too. My sister, who had no education, managed to buy a small condo and raise her son (unlike OP, she only has one). But, I have to say, my sister had good family support.

OP - does your family live far from you? Can you rely on them a bit, not necessarily financially if you can seize all the assets, but they may be a great help raising your kids.

[Anonymous]

He is exhibiting classic narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. This tip off for me was your description of his parents.

This is not treatable. Grieve your loss and then be done with him. When you do decide to disengage (meaning you're not pining for him and hoping he'll change and that you see him for who he really is), be prepared for him to unleash some rage and craziness. The worst thing you can do to a narcissistic is to stop engaging.

Get into therapy for yourself so you can begin to sort this out and find your way back to who you were before you started twisting yourself into knots just to manage him and make him comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Cassiopeia wrote:It does sound like a midlife crisis. Some guys buy a Porsche, some have affairs. Your husband wants to find his soulmate. I feel for you!

I totally understand the realization that life is ending, youth is ending and wanting desperately to hang on, to fulfill your dreams, to not die with regrets.

He needs to understand that walking out on his family to pursue a "soulmate" is ridiculous. Yes, there are people in life that you click with. There is instant chemistry, you feel so comfortable with them, you can tell them anything.

You do not have to marry these people. There isn't just one soulmate. All that term means is the experience of happening to meet someone who you're chemically attuned with and both of you being lonely and wanting, needing a deep connection.

As far as what you can do, I would gently, and I know you must be seething, but gently point out the consequences of his actions on his children. Twenty years from now, will he be proud of the fact that he left his kids to pursue this foolish dream? And it is foolish. What does he picture his relationship with his children being like then? Wouldn't he rather set aside the dream of a soulmate in favor of the dream of raising good and healthy men? It's a much greater gift to the world.

Also, what does he picture this soulmate being like? What would be so wonderful about this relationship? Personally I have never found a romantic love that came close to the depth of love I feel as a mother. I would cheerfully die for my children. Maybe if he could get in touch with his paternal love it would supplant the desire for a soulmate? If he's looking for a deep love, I mean.

As for his longing to travel, what if he just took a vacation abroad? Perhaps he could take a month off and go volunteer in a less developed country, or backpack around Europe.

There are ways to feel that he's living life fully without wrecking the lives of everyone around him in the process. I hope he finds them.

Wow. Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Just in terms of the IL alone, I'd walk away from this marriage. DH sounds sick and weak, and his parents monsters. You and your kids are better off without those toxic influences in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to say? He's a man child.

She didn't have to marry him. Why would you marry a man who divorced by 30? Major red flag.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you think about this when you married a DIVORCED man. Or did you think you were somehow better than his first wife,

[Anonymous]

The very best thing that you can do is say, "fine- pack a bag, find your soulmate. Do it right this second." Then if he packs his bag, let him walk out.

If you want any chance of keeping your marriage intact, *he* needs to see his foolishness. Not have his foolishness pointed out to him by you or a counselor. Otherwise, if he decides to stay out of guilt or duty, he may spend the rest of his life making you aware of it.

He's like a child who wants to run away from home- he's not a child and does not need your responsibility and protection, I would let him run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't you think about this when you married a DIVORCED man. Or did you think you were somehow better than his first wife,

Exactly. It's not even that he's divorced, but that he's divorced and remarried by 30. Rush into things, much?