My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your husband is such a shit head!

Sometimes enlisting family help can make the situation better - especially his family. If he is a delusional idiot who has already burned through one marriage, his parents or siblings might see your point of view. He might listen to them because he grew up with them?

Ha!! He is an only child and his parents are the biggest narcissists I've ever met. I am not exaggerating. They live far far away. I hate them. Once DH was ill with an undiagnosed illness and the doctors couldn't figure out what it was. They told him that I was poisoning him and not to eat any food I prepared!!! Turned out to be migraines and the start of pneumonia. This is a bone of contention for us. Dh thinks he could find someone who gets along with his parents...but when we met he told me they have not once liked anyone he has ever been with. Kinda hard when they say that I need to get off my fat ass (I am not fat but MIL is) and that I haven't worked in 15 years. Really? I've been raising 3 kids. But to her, who couldn't even handle one, that is not a real job. So his family won't be of any help.

[Anonymous]

My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.

[Anonymous]

open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't force him to stay and why would you want someone that truly isn't happy with you? Who cares who is to blame. Who cares if you have to work and your children will have to switch homes and schools? You seem more concerned with how your life will change, in the end. You listens no faults of your own in the marriage. Children need two HAPPY parents, not just two parents.

OP here, I don't know how you garnered from my post that I am concerned with how my life will change. I'm not. I will be okay. I'm concerned with my boys and what will happen to their lives. And I clearly stated that I WAS at fault in some ways.

[Anonymous]

Good luck getting any child support when he moves abroad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old husband wants to leave our 10 year marriage and our family (three children under 10) because he believes there is a "great love" or "soul-mate" out there just waiting to be found by him. I am his second wife. He says his first marriage was a mistake. Now I am a mistake. We have had a lot of problems, mostly because of me, he claims. He is not perfect and won't accept that he might have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. We have been to counseling and our counselor even believes that we are both to blame. She also doesn't believe in the concept of a soul-mate, but that you make a life and great love with the person you have chosen to marry (why else would you have married them?). Anything that the counselor says that he doesn't agree with, he won't accept.

He believes that finding some great love is the only way you can be happy. If he were to leave, he thinks his life will get easier. He thinks I will care for our three kids most of the time while he has time to find happiness. He even suggested he go live overseas where he has always wanted to travel. He would just send money home. We have three BOYS. Boys need their father around. He is a good father most of the time and loves them but I think he would have no trouble detaching and it would break their hearts.

I guarantee he won't find his soul-mate. Because he has enough personal issues (not having anything to do with me) that even if he finds someone, it won't last. He lives in a fantasy world. He keeps saying "life is short" and is really depressed. He keeps going on and on about the career he wishes he had. He just turned 40 last week. When I tell him it sounds like a midlife crisis he says no. It is just an unhappy marriage.

There are so many other things in play here. We have not had the best marriage, there have been many rough times and many times I was not easy to live with. Neither was he. But the facts are that I want to keep the marriage intact. I am not willing to sacrifice my children's opportunity to grow up in a home with two parents who could get along and enjoy doing things together for the sake of finding someone "better" suited to me. I believe you find happiness within yourself. That you don't rely on someone else to be happy.

Should I let him go or keep fighting? I think if he could realize that this great love might not be waiting out there and it wouldn't be a simple, happy life even if he did, he would try harder to make this marriage work. Don't a lot of third marriages break up statistically? All of our friends and family at home who know us think he is making a HUGE HUGE mistake.

And please don't just say "leave him", because it is much more complicated than that. We have three young kids and I know I could make it work on my own but their quality of life would suffer and they would have to leave their home, school, friends, activities. I am a SAHM so I cannot afford the area we live in on the amount of child support he would be paying and any job I get would cancel out childcare for the kid who is not in school and before and after care for those who are. I moved around a lot as a kid and so did my husband and we both know what that can do to a child's well being and self esteem. I want to avoid that for my kids at all costs.

" he believes there is a "great love" or "soul-mate" out there just waiting to be found by him."

Does he have a vagina? He's an idiot, I bet he will be on marriage number 10 soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

I think your kids are better off without this guy in their lives full-time.

[Anonymous]

OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious. Your marriage is over. I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP....I'm sorry to say, he completely sounds like a narcissist. I'm sure you can draw this whole marriage charade out a tinly bit longer, but the writing is on the wall. Better get planning. If he is a narcissist, then there's no hope for help. These people are black holes of human misery...ruining everything they touch.

I feel horribly sorry for your boys. I hope there is some other male in their life that can show them how to grow up and be a man.

And for Gods sake...why in the hell is anyone a SAHM??? I watched my mom go through the exact same thing with 3 kids. It was awful. She had no earining potential and was really fucked as the primary care giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious. Your marriage is over. I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.

Yes, it is hanging on its very last, thin, fraying thread. Its just very hard for me to reconcile what I will have to see my boys go through. They are always asking where he is and love spending time with him when he is home. And my husband never behaved like this up until the last year. He was an ever-attentive father and probably gave too much of himself. We are not fighting. He just says he feels numb. Feels nothing.

I guess I was just hoping it was midlife crisis crap and he would realize before its too late.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage is over, and all for the better. It will be MUCH better for your boys and you to have this monster far far away.

Get some dignity, friend. You are not doing your sons any favors by acting servile to a raging man child.

[Anonymous]

Kick him out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

I let my husband go without tears, and took on all of the responsibilities for everything. He danced off, thinking he'd won. Not a chance.

He's a miserable, unrealized human being with nothing to show for his life. The kids think of him as a permissive babysitter, not a father. He tried having another serious relationship, but left her when she became pregnant and then promptly attempted to woo me back. Yuck! He lives in his first ex-wife's condo and does shift work.

He is pathetic. This is the same man who once said to me, "a wife is a wife" as if we were all interchangeable.

Living well is the best revenge, my dear. My children are thriving and adore me. They are mostly well-behaved, smart, and happy. None of this would be true if he were still around to brow beat, actively neglect, and undermine as he did before he went off in search of his happiness.

People say it takes a man to raise a boy to manhood. Nope. Plenty of great, loving, caring, loyal, strong men have come from female headed households. Don't be kept captive in a marriage so lacking in appreciation.

Also, who's to say you won't find your soulmate once Mr. Selfish Big Kid is gone?

Leverage his desire to leave for the things you need in order to maintain your lifestyle, like the house and increased child support. Since he values this soulmate so much, let him sacrifice for her.

Best of luck and please do update your fellow DCUM community members on how this pans out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP....I'm sorry to say, he completely sounds like a narcissist. I'm sure you can draw this whole marriage charade out a tinly bit longer, but the writing is on the wall. Better get planning. If he is a narcissist, then there's no hope for help. These people are black holes of human misery...ruining everything they touch.

I feel horribly sorry for your boys. I hope there is some other male in their life that can show them how to grow up and be a man.

And for Gods sake...why in the hell is anyone a SAHM??? I watched my mom go through the exact same thing with 3 kids. It was awful. She had no earining potential and was really fucked as the primary care giver.

I don't think hes a narcissist. He's a people pleaser with low self-esteem. I think he thinks he's given too much to everyone in this world without any thanks and now he's going to do what HE wants for a change.

I have a great family who will be there for me and the kids. So yes, we will all be fine. Its just hard letting go of the dream of a family that I have seen my parents and siblings have. Especially for my boys.

I wish I wasn't a SAHM. But I had faith in our future and is was the best course to take when we began having kids. Big mistake.