My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

[Anonymous]

You are not headstrong, you are the biggest wimp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The very best thing that you can do is say, "fine- pack a bag, find your soulmate. Do it right this second." Then if he packs his bag, let him walk out.

If you want any chance of keeping your marriage intact, *he* needs to see his foolishness. Not have his foolishness pointed out to him by you or a counselor. Otherwise, if he decides to stay out of guilt or duty, he may spend the rest of his life making you aware of it.

He's like a child who wants to run away from home- he's not a child and does not need your responsibility and protection, I would let him run.

Okay- good lord I didn't read the international affair part. Tell him to leave. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't you think about this when you married a DIVORCED man. Or did you think you were somehow better than his first wife,

Exactly. It's not even that he's divorced, but that he's divorced and remarried by 30. Rush into things, much?

Agree, but she must have felt she was speshul.

[Anonymous]

OP here--I'm leaving this thread. I'm don't with all the judgmental, nasty shrews who have nothing better to do that make bitter and immature comments to someone they don't even know. My life does not affect you, if you have no helpful advice, please get a life. Seriously, if you make perfect choices and can judge others so quickly the way you have judged me, what the fuck are you doing in a relationship forum? So Transparent.

To the people who have given helpful advice, thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

He is confusing "easy" with "happy." Simple as that. Creating meaning in our life takes work but a lot of people get overwhelmed and look for shortcuts. Soul mates are not "found" they are made.

Agree with the 180 approach. You have to let go and look after yourself and kids. You can't control another person, but you can work to create meaning in your own life, no matter what he decides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--I'm leaving this thread. I'm don't with all the judgmental, nasty shrews who have nothing better to do that make bitter and immature comments to someone they don't even know. My life does not affect you, if you have no helpful advice, please get a life. Seriously, if you make perfect choices and can judge others so quickly the way you have judged me, what the fuck are you doing in a relationship forum? So Transparent.

To the people who have given helpful advice, thank you so much!

You tell em OP!!

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is actually having a mid-life crisis whether or not he wants to admit it. He also sounds like a man living in a fantasy world who is in denial about many things in his life. And that is a very sad thing.

When there are problems in a relationship, seldom is just ONE person responsible. Usually the fault lies withing both parties involved to some degree. For your husband to put the blame entirely on you is a clear example of him living in a fantasy world where he is the perfect one. Another example of him living in a fantasy world is the fact that he thinks if he moves somewhere else, the grass will be much greener + he will meet his perfect "soul mate." His true one and only. The one he will spend the rest of his life with and walk into the sunset with.

Sorry, but Princess Charming doesn't even exist in Fairy Tales.

It doesn't sound like counseling is productive in your situation because honestly if one person is refusing to accept the advice and input of the therapist, then what good is it going to do? What I do suggest OP is that you continue seeking therapy for yourself on an individual basis to help you cope w/what you are going through in your marriage.

Since divorce is not an option for you, I really do not know what else to say.

By staying w/him it is obvious he cannot change on his own and therapy is not working on him, so the best you can do is continue therapy on your own. You cannot control another human being, but what you CAN control are your own actions, behaviors and decisions.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--I'm leaving this thread. I'm don't with all the judgmental, nasty shrews who have nothing better to do that make bitter and immature comments to someone they don't even know. My life does not affect you, if you have no helpful advice, please get a life. Seriously, if you make perfect choices and can judge others so quickly the way you have judged me, what the fuck are you doing in a relationship forum? So Transparent.

To the people who have given helpful advice, thank you so much!

I'm sorry OP- i didn't make nasty comments, and I can tell that you have a difficult decision to make. I've read through your description, your DH's background, etc. I think you should seriously consider telling him to leave. I believe he will make you miserable or he may leave on his own. Let this be your decision- not him choosing to run off to find a "soul mate." Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Cassiopeia wrote:It does sound like a midlife crisis. Some guys buy a Porsche, some have affairs. Your husband wants to find his soulmate. I feel for you!

I totally understand the realization that life is ending, youth is ending and wanting desperately to hang on, to fulfill your dreams, to not die with regrets.

He needs to understand that walking out on his family to pursue a "soulmate" is ridiculous. Yes, there are people in life that you click with. There is instant chemistry, you feel so comfortable with them, you can tell them anything.

You do not have to marry these people. There isn't just one soulmate. All that term means is the experience of happening to meet someone who you're chemically attuned with and both of you being lonely and wanting, needing a deep connection.

As far as what you can do, I would gently, and I know you must be seething, but gently point out the consequences of his actions on his children. Twenty years from now, will he be proud of the fact that he left his kids to pursue this foolish dream? And it is foolish. What does he picture his relationship with his children being like then? Wouldn't he rather set aside the dream of a soulmate in favor of the dream of raising good and healthy men? It's a much greater gift to the world.

Also, what does he picture this soulmate being like? What would be so wonderful about this relationship? Personally I have never found a romantic love that came close to the depth of love I feel as a mother. I would cheerfully die for my children. Maybe if he could get in touch with his paternal love it would supplant the desire for a soulmate? If he's looking for a deep love, I mean.

As for his longing to travel, what if he just took a vacation abroad? Perhaps he could take a month off and go volunteer in a less developed country, or backpack around Europe.

There are ways to feel that he's living life fully without wrecking the lives of everyone around him in the process. I hope he finds them.

This might be the most clueless post I've ever seen here. No one could possibly take anything you say seriously. Thank God. Yikes. You are so naive, I especially love that you are telling OP to advise him to go and backpack across Europe!

[Anonymous]

In the hopes you're still monitoring this thread, OP, I suspect your DH has severe depression. My DH suffers from it and a lot of what you describe, describes him when he's cycled low. There may be other things going on but depression is what I most strongly suspect. I suggest you bring it up with your husband but with so much water under the bridge, I think you're best course is to move on. Even if your husband were to get treatment and do a 180, it's really hard to move on from all the pain and mistrust he's created. I know and I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the kids thing, a man who would consider moving abroad and never seeing his kids, with sending home child support being enough, isn't someone who's going to hurt his children by leaving. He's someone who is already hurting his children because of how checked out he already is. It sounds like he's introduced a tremendous amount of instability into their lives with all of his comings and goings, and you've been complicit in that by allowing him to keep coming back. If you really want to do right by your kids, I would divorce him so you can ensure that whatever he does, your children will always have one stable, dependable home to come to.

OP...you need to listen to this if you never listen to anyone else in your life. It is your job to protect your kids. What are you doing????

OP here. I wholeheartedly agree. I know this is huge.

----When all my kids were born my DH would get up in the night to rock them back to sleep and sing to them. He would walk them up and down the sidewalk in front of our house to soothe them. He always had a smile and a kind word for them. He played with them all the time and took them on adventures to see trains and connect with nature. He took them to baseball games, drew pictures with them, read them countless stories. He wore them on his back while mowing the lawn. Went to all their concerts, baseball games, teacher conferences, took off days of work to go to doctors appointments (I have a special needs son). He would write out detailed lists of how we could do this or that to better their lives. He was very invested for 9 years up until the last year or so. He still does a lot of things for them but is very tired and depressed. Our kids LOVE him. There is more to consider than the horrible way he has behaved in the last year.

Responding to you and particularly this is exhausting, so I will keep it short.

My father is hands down a narcissist and most likely a psychopath. He was exactly like this when we were little, which is why the fall was so traumatizing.

This is TYPICAL of these people. When they have an adoring audience they shine. they live on this shit. When that audience gets older, more independent and starts to question them (instead of looking to them like they are a God) they lose interest.

NO FATHER WHO TRULY LOVES HIS CHILDREN HAD FANTASIES OF MOVING OVERSEAS. He is/was that kind of father because he had the audience he craves….just like he now craves the audience of a new "soulmate" who has not yet figured out that he's a sack of shit.

BTW, my mother was just like you….living in denial until the affairs became too much to ignore with it culminating in him introducing his AP to us kids. She would get defensive just like you when people would attempt to speak the raw truth. She had a huge part on the distraction my father leveled on our family. A responsible mother protects her children and does not show their boys and girls that it is OK to stay in this kind of horrible relationship.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck to you, OP. So sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for you that you *want* to stay married to this man because of your quality of life.

Would you want your daughter to be in a marriage like this?

You should let him go. Give him a year or two to go sow his wild oats. Get a legal divorce so you aren't responsible for any insane spending on his part. But let the boys think he has to travel for work, or something.

If he finds his "soul mate", great. Maybe once he gets all this out of his system, he will come home. Great. But as long as you try to keep him, he will only perceive that you are his problem.

Boys don't need to be raised by a shitty father. They don't need to be taught to treat their wife like crap.

[Anonymous]

"And a man who truly loves his children sticks around and treasures his family, through thick and thin. And tries to make it work with his wife. You need to leave. I'm sorry. " THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make him stay if he doesn't want to. I am so sorry this is happening to you and your children.
Your husband sounds so selfish.

Exactly. If he doesn't want to be married to you and he thinks his soulmate is out there, don't stand in his way. You've tried counseling but he just sounds like a selfish prick and I don't think counseling will help with that! You said that happiness is found within so you find it with your kids. You don't need him so why beg him to stick around?