How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Look, the simple solution is for daughter to move in with Dad, give him full custody and apply for schools that don't take the NCP/Stepparent income into account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no less important is the fact that the daughter can't take enough loans to cover attending UMD much an expensive private. so this a completely false dilemma that OP set up here, further setting up her daughter to look like a spoiled brat while in fact the daughter basically can't go to college (thanks to mom's marriage).

Yeah I don’t think OP gets the gravity of the situation. The daughter can’t just go get loans covering the remainder. She won’t be able to finish college, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, the simple solution is for daughter to move in with Dad, give him full custody and apply for schools that don't take the NCP/Stepparent income into account.

Her father apparently also married someone with more income. Not clear there’s any viable solution for the daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, the simple solution is for daughter to move in with Dad, give him full custody and apply for schools that don't take the NCP/Stepparent income into account.

Her father apparently also married someone with more income. Not clear there’s any viable solution for the daughter.

I think the step sibling's other parent is the one who is also married. Maybe I misread.

I don't think any of the schools that don't require the additional info meet full need. I could be wrong. That route might lead to more aid at UMD though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, the simple solution is for daughter to move in with Dad, give him full custody and apply for schools that don't take the NCP/Stepparent income into account.

Her father apparently also married someone with more income. Not clear there’s any viable solution for the daughter.

the daughter is completely screwed up. OP is clearly itching to kick her out of the house but the daughter cant go to college.

[Anonymous]

OP - you really messed up. I feel so bad for your daughter. I can’t believe you don’t understand why she is acting up. Life is unfair and your daughter unfortunately pulled the short straw. Of course, she is bitter. It seems like she has no one in her corner. Be careful or you won’t have a relationship with her once she leaves home

[Anonymous]

Your dd pulled the short straw and she has to watch everyone else get the long straw. It wouldn't be a huge problem.if she wasn't now living among the wealthy.

On the plus side UMD is very good, and if step dad steps up for some extras, it could be even better. Isn't there some negotiation room--exdh and wealthier wife contribute x amount, you and rich new dh contribute y amount, combined with what you already have. The new spouses do have an obligation to their step child, but don't have to send her to her first choice school.

[Anonymous]

You signed a prenup and received your own financial security today at the expense of your daughter’s security tomorrow.

You have made it clear that you find her ungrateful.

You let her know she’s not a priority in your marriage, not a priority in your household. And neither man who could have actual father or father figure role think she’s worth very much.

You refuse to show empathy. Create an environment where it’s DD vs the peaceful (and financial well off) household.

Oh and you’re also pushing this narrative of the ungrateful, wild, jealous, immature, spoiled child to try and get ahead of the truth DD might share.

You are a piece of……work. I hope you now take the time to work on your relationship with your daughter. Soooo much is at risk here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You signed a prenup and received your own financial security today at the expense of your daughter’s security tomorrow.

You have made it clear that you find her ungrateful.

You let her know she’s not a priority in your marriage, not a priority in your household. And neither man who could have actual father or father figure role think she’s worth very much.

You refuse to show empathy. Create an environment where it’s DD vs the peaceful (and financial well off) household.

Oh and you’re also pushing this narrative of the ungrateful, wild, jealous, immature, spoiled child to try and get ahead of the truth DD might share.

You are a piece of……work. I hope you now take the time to work on your relationship with your daughter. Soooo much is at risk here.

I agree with you PP, but I think our advice is either falling on deaf ears (or more than likely no ears at all) as I imagine the OP has completely stopped checking the thread by now.

She probably stopped checking a few pages back, because she cannot handle criticism.
It's easy to convince yourself that you've done nothing wrong, when you don't have the truth thrown in your face.

It was clear from the very first page (when she said she hadn't even discussed this with her new DH yet) that the OP deals with stressful situations by NOT dealing with them.

She lives her life in complete avoidance -- it's her mantra.

She's a textbook case of thinking that she's not good enough for her new DH, so she will do just about anything to avoid rocking the boat with him... as opposed to advocating on her ONLY child's behalf.

It was obvious by her last update that she was getting fed up/frustrated that we weren't seeing things from her side.
She wanted us to be supportive of her, agree with her and tell her ONLY what she wants to hear (whenever someone starts a sentence with "Look..." it usually means they're getting ready to check out/avoid at all costs).

This way mom can go back to being a good little stepford ostrich and stick her head right back in the sand, she can keep deluding herself into thinking that none of this was her doing and certainly not her fault, and most importantly, she can keep repeating to herself that the entire blame is assigned exactly where it belongs...

squarely upon her innocent child's shoulders.

One thing's for sure... if you continue to care more about your step-childrens feelings (you remember those kids, the ones that get every single thing they've ever wanted in life, right?) as opposed to the feelings of your own child, she will have deep seeded trust issues with you for the rest of her life.

You couldn't have f@cked your daughter more if you'd actually tried (four words come to mind -- treacherous, toxic, treasonous & traitor).

On the other hand, you may want to reserve that $30,000 -- for therapy bills for your poor child, as her mother has completely betrayed her.

[Anonymous]

The more I read this thread the more angry I get. OP is a despicable person. Full stop. There is no excuse for what she is doing and for how SHE has literally ruined her daughter's future, yet shows not a shred of remorse.

I am hoping that she just does not understand the college process, did not realize how her marriage would impact it, does not understand the FAFSA process.

She does not seem to think that college education is important or a priority. Maybe she doesn't realize how much it costs, she really thought $30K was plenty perhaps, that $30K was generous even.

But, due to her collassal mistake of getting remarried and screwing her daughter out of financial aid, $30K is nowhere NEAR enough and she should be ashamed of herself for jeopardizing her daughter's future in this way. There is no excuse really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more I read this thread the more angry I get. OP is a despicable person. Full stop. There is no excuse for what she is doing and for how SHE has literally ruined her daughter's future, yet shows not a shred of remorse.

I am hoping that she just does not understand the college process, did not realize how her marriage would impact it, does not understand the FAFSA process.

She does not seem to think that college education is important or a priority. Maybe she doesn't realize how much it costs, she really thought $30K was plenty perhaps, that $30K was generous even.

But, due to her collassal mistake of getting remarried and screwing her daughter out of financial aid, $30K is nowhere NEAR enough and she should be ashamed of herself for jeopardizing her daughter's future in this way. There is no excuse really.

Agreed- in all the time I have spent on DCUM this thread has particularly gotten to me. I keep coming back to it hoping that OP will post an update showing some kind of realization as to how badly she has treated her daughter and a plan to try to rectify the situation, but as the pp said I think chances are that she has long since checked out.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs and I feel the same. More than anything I am angry at the way OP framed the issue, asking for tips on how to make her “spoiled brat” daughter to shut up vs. solve the mess that she created for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more I read this thread the more angry I get. OP is a despicable person. Full stop. There is no excuse for what she is doing and for how SHE has literally ruined her daughter's future, yet shows not a shred of remorse.

I am hoping that she just does not understand the college process, did not realize how her marriage would impact it, does not understand the FAFSA process.

She does not seem to think that college education is important or a priority. Maybe she doesn't realize how much it costs, she really thought $30K was plenty perhaps, that $30K was generous even.

But, due to her collassal mistake of getting remarried and screwing her daughter out of financial aid, $30K is nowhere NEAR enough and she should be ashamed of herself for jeopardizing her daughter's future in this way. There is no excuse really.

Agreed- in all the time I have spent on DCUM this thread has particularly gotten to me. I keep coming back to it hoping that OP will post an update showing some kind of realization as to how badly she has treated her daughter and a plan to try to rectify the situation, but as the pp said I think chances are that she has long since checked out.

Same, for some reason this particular thread bothers me. I feel so sorry for the DD.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe for a minute that you don’t share finances. It’s not like your husband goes out for a nice dinner then says “Ok, honey, we’ll swing by Mcdonald’s for your cheeseburger, be sure to venmo me the amount”.

What did you think would happen by marrying this guy and then exposing your kid to a higher standard of living? She observes everything you and your husband do and also what the stepkids do, if her stepsister comes home with a nice guy and says “oh, we met at Yale” your daughter is going to think “too bad I’ll never meet a nice guy at Yale, I’ll never get to even have the chance to go to Yale”.

How exactly is your new husband generous? What does he actually do that makes him generous? Giving money to random relatives like Mr. Moneybags or to random charity organizations doesn’t count, not when he’s got a relationship with a real live human being who he can get to know.

I’m not your biggest fan, op. If you and your husband didn’t have the money, that’d be one thing. If she wasn’t literally surrounded by kids talking about the things she can’t do, that’d be fine also. You have really put her in a miserable position, and you need to know that.

Don’t be surprised if she ignores your husband in the future, and then if she ignores you by association. It is within your power and the man that you married to solve this issue, and you are choosing not to. This isn’t a boyfriend, this is a husband. In a year, she won’t have any ties to you either, i.e. she’ll be an adult. Be careful what lessons you are teaching her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe for a minute that you don’t share finances. It’s not like your husband goes out for a nice dinner then says “Ok, honey, we’ll swing by Mcdonald’s for your cheeseburger, be sure to venmo me the amount”.

What did you think would happen by marrying this guy and then exposing your kid to a higher standard of living? She observes everything you and your husband do and also what the stepkids do, if her stepsister comes home with a nice guy and says “oh, we met at Yale” your daughter is going to think “too bad I’ll never meet a nice guy at Yale, I’ll never get to even have the chance to go to Yale”.

How exactly is your new husband generous? What does he actually do that makes him generous? Giving money to random relatives like Mr. Moneybags or to random charity organizations doesn’t count, not when he’s got a relationship with a real live human being who he can get to know.

I’m not your biggest fan, op. If you and your husband didn’t have the money, that’d be one thing. If she wasn’t literally surrounded by kids talking about the things she can’t do, that’d be fine also. You have really put her in a miserable position, and you need to know that.

Don’t be surprised if she ignores your husband in the future, and then if she ignores you by association. It is within your power and the man that you married to solve this issue, and you are choosing not to. This isn’t a boyfriend, this is a husband. In a year, she won’t have any ties to you either, i.e. she’ll be an adult. Be careful what lessons you are teaching her.

I think it's beyond generous to agree to provide for a child that's not yours. Yes you agreed to it but you can't over look how magnanimous a person must be to want to do that. I don't have that in my DNA. I would be er provide for another person's offspring. By provide I mean food, shelter and other basic needs beyond what her mother could give. It's not this man's job to pay for her daughter to go to college. Maybe the op should ask her husband if she can temporarily contribute less to share expenses in exchange for her providing more for her daughters education?