Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

OP You seem to be caught in the middle of a dysfunctional family. You might want to read a book or something to understand the dynamics of caring for an ailing parent in this situation. Typically it gets worse not better, sadly.
Already you are blaming your wife right there in the title. She is your wife and mother of your children and also financial partner. She needs more respect and less being the monkey in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

And being left alone at home for 4 hours at a time every weekday is not safe for this MIL. Team Wife for being willing to call BS on the rest of the family's delusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has only existed for about 24.5 hours, yet somehow the wife is the lowest of the low until she “finally” decided to help with ideas in what to do. Meaning, some of you hags must be miserable people who so easily jump on someone before giving a person time to think.

The husband, in my opinion, is the absolute worst who threw his wife under the bus because of healthy boundaries and not wanting to destroy their own lives for an untenable “solution.”

No. We jumped on Op's wife for being unhelpful AND dissing her SIL/MIL AND trying to dictate whether or not her dh (Op) helped his own parents.

Once Op's wife actually came out with a good plan and appeared to be supportive of her dh and FIL then we all said that was good of her.

Continuing to vilify the sister and keep her out of the decision making process is not so great because it sounds as though that is being done out of spite and not because the sister has not offered to be helpful. She has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has only existed for about 24.5 hours, yet somehow the wife is the lowest of the low until she “finally” decided to help with ideas in what to do. Meaning, some of you hags must be miserable people who so easily jump on someone before giving a person time to think.

The husband, in my opinion, is the absolute worst who threw his wife under the bus because of healthy boundaries and not wanting to destroy their own lives for an untenable “solution.”

No. We jumped on Op's wife for being unhelpful AND dissing her SIL/MIL AND trying to dictate whether or not her dh (Op) helped his own parents.

Once Op's wife actually came out with a good plan and appeared to be supportive of her dh and FIL then we all said that was good of her.

Continuing to vilify the sister and keep her out of the decision making process is not so great because it sounds as though that is being done out of spite and not because the sister has not offered to be helpful. She has.

Honestly I'm not convinced there's a "we" here. Until very recently on this thread almost everyone recognized OP is being unreasonable here and his wife was being reasonable by vetoing a terrible plan. I'm pretty sure there's one sock-puppet who hates her sister in law and has some inheritance PTSD who has gone bananas in the last 4 pages or so.

[Anonymous]

Np - not being snarky but I thought it’s not that easy to quality for Medicaid and that they don’t pay for in home care. How will the mom qualify when dad is still working and when he retires will receive a pension?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

And being left alone at home for 4 hours at a time every weekday is not safe for this MIL. Team Wife for being willing to call BS on the rest of the family's delusions.

Again. This is FIL's life and this is Op and his sisters' mom that we are talking about. There is a grieving process going on here and it can take a little time for a family to accept what is happening to their loved one. I remember the day we place dad in a locked Alzheimer's ward. It was horrible, sad but also something that I knew needed to be done. We knew at that point that there was no choice.

You have to be a little bit patient with people. This is not a "case" to them, this is a much beloved family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np - not being snarky but I thought it’s not that easy to quality for Medicaid and that they don’t pay for in home care. How will the mom qualify when dad is still working and when he retires will receive a pension?

This is a very good question because unless the laws have changed A LOT, qualifying for Medicaid is not so easy peasy. It certainly wasn't back when my Mom was dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You seem to be caught in the middle of a dysfunctional family. You might want to read a book or something to understand the dynamics of caring for an ailing parent in this situation. Typically it gets worse not better, sadly.
Already you are blaming your wife right there in the title. She is your wife and mother of your children and also financial partner. She needs more respect and less being the monkey in the middle.

She also might be mistaken as to what your dad qualifies for. Maybe you should talk to an eldercare attorney who actually specializes in these matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np - not being snarky but I thought it’s not that easy to quality for Medicaid and that they don’t pay for in home care. How will the mom qualify when dad is still working and when he retires will receive a pension?

OP's mom is disabled. If you're already on SS disability I think Medicaid is automatic, you don't have to qualify through poverty. I could be wrong but that's my understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

And being left alone at home for 4 hours at a time every weekday is not safe for this MIL. Team Wife for being willing to call BS on the rest of the family's delusions.

Again. This is FIL's life and this is Op and his sisters' mom that we are talking about. There is a grieving process going on here and it can take a little time for a family to accept what is happening to their loved one. I remember the day we place dad in a locked Alzheimer's ward. It was horrible, sad but also something that I knew needed to be done. We knew at that point that there was no choice.

You have to be a little bit patient with people. This is not a "case" to them, this is a much beloved family member.

Okay but agreeing to a dumb-ass plan that costs tons of money and doesn't keep MIL safe is not actually helping them with their grief. Seems to me the wife is fed up with her DH, SIL, and FIL being unrealistic and I don't blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has only existed for about 24.5 hours, yet somehow the wife is the lowest of the low until she “finally” decided to help with ideas in what to do. Meaning, some of you hags must be miserable people who so easily jump on someone before giving a person time to think.

The husband, in my opinion, is the absolute worst who threw his wife under the bus because of healthy boundaries and not wanting to destroy their own lives for an untenable “solution.”

No. We jumped on Op's wife for being unhelpful AND dissing her SIL/MIL AND trying to dictate whether or not her dh (Op) helped his own parents.

Once Op's wife actually came out with a good plan and appeared to be supportive of her dh and FIL then we all said that was good of her.

Continuing to vilify the sister and keep her out of the decision making process is not so great because it sounds as though that is being done out of spite and not because the sister has not offered to be helpful. She has.

Sister has said she could "maybe" do "1 or 2" days. She fully committed to zero days and per OP's posts, it would have all fallen to OP anyway, just like everything else. Sister is unstable and has been a burden on OP and his wife in the past so I can't exactly blame the wife for not loving her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has only existed for about 24.5 hours, yet somehow the wife is the lowest of the low until she “finally” decided to help with ideas in what to do. Meaning, some of you hags must be miserable people who so easily jump on someone before giving a person time to think.

The husband, in my opinion, is the absolute worst who threw his wife under the bus because of healthy boundaries and not wanting to destroy their own lives for an untenable “solution.”

No. We jumped on Op's wife for being unhelpful AND dissing her SIL/MIL AND trying to dictate whether or not her dh (Op) helped his own parents.

Once Op's wife actually came out with a good plan and appeared to be supportive of her dh and FIL then we all said that was good of her.

Continuing to vilify the sister and keep her out of the decision making process is not so great because it sounds as though that is being done out of spite and not because the sister has not offered to be helpful. She has.

Honestly I'm not convinced there's a "we" here. Until very recently on this thread almost everyone recognized OP is being unreasonable here and his wife was being reasonable by vetoing a terrible plan. I'm pretty sure there's one sock-puppet who hates her sister in law and has some inheritance PTSD who has gone bananas in the last 4 pages or so.

You can ask Jeff if you think sock puppeting is going on. I think the OP's family is a hot mess, he is always the one left holding the bag, and his wife's reaction was one of frustration that this was happening yet again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Everyone has a different relationship with their MIL. I have been with my husband for over 12 years, we see her a few times a year (sometimes less), and let's just say it took her quite a few years to start being nice to me. We are civil and friendly now, but distant - we text for birthdays and Mother's Day and that's about it. I wouldn't want her to be in any kind of trouble but I also wouldn't extend myself to take care of her.

MIL has two great kids who work well together and I think they have things squared away. I am not a decision maker but I would help her in her own home if she needed it.

I do not want an elderly relative moving in with us simply because I don't think that I could handle a home care situation in my home. If dh got sick, yes. But I'm not up for moving people into our house in order to care for them. The older I get, the more firm I become on that - nothing personal, I just know my own limits.

Again, I'm in a different situation - my husband is an only child, he and MIL are not close, and she and I are barely more than strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a clarion call this thread is -- plan your demise, people! And don't leave it to the responsibility of your adult children!

I cannot imagine leaving this mess to my kids to deal with if and when I am older and severely incapacitated. It is imperative to plan for these things now when you are young, to save and make a plan and not bury your head in the sand.

So many mistakes led to this point - make them a lesson learned and not repeated.

Realistically, you can only plan so much for this. But, yes, ideally you would plan in order to avoid as much of this chaos as possible and make things as easy as you can for your kids and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Everyone has a different relationship with their MIL. I have been with my husband for over 12 years, we see her a few times a year (sometimes less), and let's just say it took her quite a few years to start being nice to me. We are civil and friendly now, but distant - we text for birthdays and Mother's Day and that's about it. I wouldn't want her to be in any kind of trouble but I also wouldn't extend myself to take care of her.

MIL has two great kids who work well together and I think they have things squared away. I am not a decision maker but I would help her in her own home if she needed it.

I do not want an elderly relative moving in with us simply because I don't think that I could handle a home care situation in my home. If dh got sick, yes. But I'm not up for moving people into our house in order to care for them. The older I get, the more firm I become on that - nothing personal, I just know my own limits.

Again, I'm in a different situation - my husband is an only child, he and MIL are not close, and she and I are barely more than strangers.

In your situation, it's probably best to not be involved.