Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a vasectomy so I can finish inside my side piece since my wife who has her tubes tied would never let me. I have so much fun in the 20-30 minutes we are together a couple times a month I don’t even bother my wife for sex and we have a happier relationship now.

Didn’t your wife think it was odd that you were getting a vasectomy even though her tubes are tied? And if she doesn’t know, how did you hide the fact that you’d had surgery? Doesn’t it take a while to recover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?

[Anonymous]

Curious, men who are in a sexless marriage and are no longer trying to fix that part of your marriage, is an open marriage an option, or do you prefer to cheat and not get caught?
Asking because I don't believe DH has cheated, but it's conceivable that he has; however, if I ever did, he would lose his mind. I think cheating, even discreetly, is actually about power and control. I would much prefer DH ask for an open marriage than cheat on me, but again, I don't think that would ever happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious, men who are in a sexless marriage and are no longer trying to fix that part of your marriage, is an open marriage an option, or do you prefer to cheat and not get caught?
Asking because I don't believe DH has cheated, but it's conceivable that he has; however, if I ever did, he would lose his mind. I think cheating, even discreetly, is actually about power and control. I would much prefer DH ask for an open marriage than cheat on me, but again, I don't think that would ever happen.

Is your marriage sexless? Or is this purely a hypothetical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious, men who are in a sexless marriage and are no longer trying to fix that part of your marriage, is an open marriage an option, or do you prefer to cheat and not get caught?
Asking because I don't believe DH has cheated, but it's conceivable that he has; however, if I ever did, he would lose his mind. I think cheating, even discreetly, is actually about power and control. I would much prefer DH ask for an open marriage than cheat on me, but again, I don't think that would ever happen.

I would prefer an open marriage. I don't like the sneaking around, I find it stressful. I think I could find a compatible play partner much easier if I were in an open marriage. I don't understand why my wife doesn't want one. She is attractive. Who wants to live their life sexless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is your marriage sexless? Or is this purely a hypothetical?

Purely hypothetical, but I can see it happening someday 20 years in when we've grown bored of each other, or DH justifying an affair by calling 2x per week sexless. I had older married men from work who had seemingly nice, attractive wives flirt with me at work, especially on work trips, and it's always bothered me and I find it hard not to impute their behavior onto all men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?

Kids, finances. Mostly I want to see my kids every day.

[Anonymous]

What do you do for or with your kids each day? Or do you just “see them.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Just chiming in to say that this is very close to my timeline. The main difference is that our frequency before kids was probably less - maybe twice a week. And our frequency after kids seems higher - about once every 3 or 4 weeks. But we had the almost clinical "trying to conceive" sex, the expected drop after kid 1, and more "trying to conceive sex" before kid 2. After kid 2, there was another expected drop in sex that I kind of took for granted because infants and toddlers are hard and lots of people say, "your sex life will bounce back." Then, when the kids hit school age and our sex life didn't bounce back, I tried a lot of these recommendations and nothing worked. During our periodic discussions about the reasons, my wife said she wanted to want to have sex but she just didn't. She eventually chalked it up to her body image issues which, obviously, I have limited ability to help out with. I was unhappy for several years, but as I've gotten into my 50s, my sex drive has dropped and it no longer seems like such a big deal. Other than our sex life, our marriage is pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You only live once. That’s why I have my wife who wants sex once a month and a coworker who is willing to have sex anytime I want. She is also married so we both have the same liability if we get caught. It’s been working out for 2 years now since it’s just sex and nothing more.

So, tell us about all of the emotional work you're doing to spark the co-worker's interest in you. I've been informed that women don't want to have sex unless there is an emotional connection, they feel safe, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

Monogamy and fidelity are important to her even though sex is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

Monogamy and fidelity are important to her even though sex is not.

Monogamy is about having a sexual relationship with one person. So if she's not having sex with him, and is not interested in it, it cannot be that. Seems a little weird to insist on "fidelity" from a person you also have no interest in having sex with.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to read the whole 28 pages, but is this thread for husbands who want to hook up with each other because they're not getting any at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You only live once. That’s why I have my wife who wants sex once a month and a coworker who is willing to have sex anytime I want. She is also married so we both have the same liability if we get caught. It’s been working out for 2 years now since it’s just sex and nothing more.

So, tell us about all of the emotional work you're doing to spark the co-worker's interest in you. I've been informed that women don't want to have sex unless there is an emotional connection, they feel safe, etc.

Fun lunches.
Puns in emails.
Smiles and attention
Ask How she doing? Back and forth convo on it.
Ideas and recommendations for things she might like to do in the area.