Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think part of the issue is that we conceive of a "healthy marriage" looking one specific way and we don't leave a lot of room for people to change, even to experience the normal an inevitable changes of age. A marriage between 52 year olds and marriage between 32 year olds will look different, to expect otherwise is simply ignorant.

Definitely agree with this. In the case of my marriage, the libido disparity in our 40s was the roughest part. In our early 30s, our libidos weren't so far apart. Late 30s and much of our 40s, her libido tanked (for some of the standard reasons - mostly not my fault or otherwise within my control) and mine didn't drop as fast. The rejection I felt when she didn't reciprocate the desire I felt for her was definitely challenging.

In our 50s, my libido has declined to something closer to hers and things are pretty happy again. Ideas of masculinity being what they are, I know there are plenty of people who would regard decline of libido as being worse than unhappiness in marriage. But, for my part, I guess it would have been helpful if I'd had a better sense that our 50s might be like this and we'd be happy with it.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been married for 38 years. Our sex life was amazing until it wasn’t. She has told me she never wants sex again. I need it all the time. She is kind caring and otherwise a wonderful life partner. I miss sex . Intimacy and everything that goes with it. We are co habituating much like brother and sister. Am I unreasonable to so desperately want intimacy. I have suggested date nights , discussions etc. she just doesn’t want sex !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a FWB...

100+

[Anonymous]

I believe in marriage and fidelity. FWB only acceptable by agreement

[Anonymous]

I posted this in the old folks thread, but I will share here as well.

I am a late 40s DW who has had little to no drive for years, despite being healthy and the same weight as when I married. But I am still intimate with my husband regularly because I want him to be committed to me. For me it is a very easy low-effort activity that contributes a lot to keeping my husband happy in our marriage.

However, I am sure that many DWs do not things this way. My advice to you is if possible to set up a woman to share this advice with your wife. If that is not possible, then I suggest doing some behavior training and positive re-enforcement by doing nice things for a day or two AFTER intimacy.

Cheating/Divorce may or may not be a good strategy. After age 50 many women are perfectly content to remain spinsters for the rest of their lives. The next wife may or may not run into these same issues in a few years. I have seen some amazing second marriages, but some that have imploded as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

Welcome to DCUrban Mom. /r/daddit is over there ——>

DC Urban Moms & DADS to be exact

[Anonymous]

Some insight for men: many women (like 90% of my friends anyway and many more on here) are indeed still very sexual and want physical and emotional intimacy with a male partner. The problem is that women are wired to like a man long enough for the kid to survive childhood. Hence why you see divorced women from 40-60 having tons of great sex, especially with younger men. If you want your relationship to survive and maintain your intimacy, you have to be the giver. She gave everything to you and the kids for the past decade(s) and now her well is empty. The first post about massages with genuine disinterest in reciprocation is great advice. Learn to live your wife as a full woman and you’ll regain the sexual part of her again too. Sorry, it’s a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

"The first post about massages with genuine disinterest in reciprocation is great advice."

The secret to having sex with your wife is not wanting to have sex with your wife. I'm on it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The first post about massages with genuine disinterest in reciprocation is great advice."

The secret to having sex with your wife is not wanting to have sex with your wife. I'm on it!

It’s like every pig butchering scam ever.

I can get the money but just need you to give me a little more…

[Anonymous]

For us it seems like it helps if we go out and do stuff (see bands, etc) with friends. Women will come up and talk to me or flirt with me and I think it makes something click in her. Its like “Oh yeah, I forgot he’s attractive and other women want to have sex with him.” Sex may not be that night hut it will be the rest of the weekend at least. Its like she gets turned on by other women finding me attractive or hitting on me.

[Anonymous]

I was in a sexless relationship for about 25 yrs (1-2x yr).
By age 50 I had willed my body to stop desiring sex. The mental pain and anguish was truly indescribable.
Out of the blue she initiated and my long neglected member just didn't respond. That upset her that she must no longer be attractive. She marched me down to my doctor and go me signed up for T shots. My libido was back to being 20 again. That satisfied her and so she kept up the 1-2x per year attitude.
Part one of a long story

[Anonymous]

"This is the crux of it that you just don’t understand: no one is entitled to someone else’s body in 2021. Call it “having an emotional need met” if you want, there is still no entitlement to sex."

Do you really think that anybody, male or female, who stands in front of their friends and family and promises to love and cherish their spouse so long as they both shall live is contemplating that the other person is going to refuse to touch them physically for years and years? Nobody would make that promise if going untouched for years or decades by the one person who is supposed to adore and love you were a condition of the marriage. Being rejected over and over again by the one person who is supposed to think you're wonderful is excruciating. I know I wouldn't have married my exH if I thought he believed it would be fine to abandon me in the bedroom. I expected that my exH was an adult who had considered the fact that I'd grow older, put on some weight while pregnant, get wrinkles, get gray hair, maybe get seriously ill for a while, etc... and that he'd assessed that he could still love AND desire me for the rest of his life, even if I didn't turn out to be his ideal wife. Every adult KNOWS when they marry that their spouse will not always be as alluring as they are on the wedding day. In the end, he left me for entirely different reasons. But had I left, I feel I would have been more than justified. He was the one who failed to live up to his marriage vows, not me. Had I slept with someone else and he tried to stop me from getting alimony due to my adultery, I would have counter sued him for abandonment that took place long before I ever slept with a third party. Abandonment is just as fatal to a marriage as adultery. It's a cop out. It's what someone does when they check out of the marriage but want to present a facade to the public while still enjoying their spouse's contributions (high salary, status, creating a comfy home environment, etc...). A person who abandons their spouse by not being willing to have sex or figure out what's causing the problem and fixing it needs to be held accountable for destroying the marriage. There is a victim in every marriage where one spouse abandons the other, and I can't understand why so few people on DCUM will acknowledge this.

[Anonymous]

"For us it seems like it helps if we go out and do stuff (see bands, etc) with friends. Women will come up and talk to me or flirt with me and I think it makes something click in her. Its like “Oh yeah, I forgot he’s attractive and other women want to have sex with him.” Sex may not be that night hut it will be the rest of the weekend at least. Its like she gets turned on by other women finding me attractive or hitting on me."

This is what Esther Perel talks about. The distance that allows you to see your partner through the eyes of others is a key part of what keeps you desiring them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"For us it seems like it helps if we go out and do stuff (see bands, etc) with friends. Women will come up and talk to me or flirt with me and I think it makes something click in her. Its like “Oh yeah, I forgot he’s attractive and other women want to have sex with him.” Sex may not be that night hut it will be the rest of the weekend at least. Its like she gets turned on by other women finding me attractive or hitting on me."

This is what Esther Perel talks about. The distance that allows you to see your partner through the eyes of others is a key part of what keeps you desiring them.

Hmm - thats very interesting. I’ll have to look her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is the crux of it that you just don’t understand: no one is entitled to someone else’s body in 2021. Call it “having an emotional need met” if you want, there is still no entitlement to sex."

Do you really think that anybody, male or female, who stands in front of their friends and family and promises to love and cherish their spouse so long as they both shall live is contemplating that the other person is going to refuse to touch them physically for years and years? Nobody would make that promise if going untouched for years or decades by the one person who is supposed to adore and love you were a condition of the marriage. Being rejected over and over again by the one person who is supposed to think you're wonderful is excruciating. I know I wouldn't have married my exH if I thought he believed it would be fine to abandon me in the bedroom. I expected that my exH was an adult who had considered the fact that I'd grow older, put on some weight while pregnant, get wrinkles, get gray hair, maybe get seriously ill for a while, etc... and that he'd assessed that he could still love AND desire me for the rest of his life, even if I didn't turn out to be his ideal wife. Every adult KNOWS when they marry that their spouse will not always be as alluring as they are on the wedding day. In the end, he left me for entirely different reasons. But had I left, I feel I would have been more than justified. He was the one who failed to live up to his marriage vows, not me. Had I slept with someone else and he tried to stop me from getting alimony due to my adultery, I would have counter sued him for abandonment that took place long before I ever slept with a third party. Abandonment is just as fatal to a marriage as adultery. It's a cop out. It's what someone does when they check out of the marriage but want to present a facade to the public while still enjoying their spouse's contributions (high salary, status, creating a comfy home environment, etc...). A person who abandons their spouse by not being willing to have sex or figure out what's causing the problem and fixing it needs to be held accountable for destroying the marriage. There is a victim in every marriage where one spouse abandons the other, and I can't understand why so few people on DCUM will acknowledge this.

F**K YES A TRILLION TIMES.
Thank you for putting into words my feelings that I have not been able to express for decades. You're perfect marriage material for me.