Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who didn't anticipate that this thread was going to devolve in to a just cheat thread? Not sure if OP was looking for validation to cheat or some real advice ( I know it's an old thread). Nevertheless, he has to have anticipated this.

Someone mentioned taking an anti-depressant to lower your libido to zero.

But is there an option other than cheat, divorce or be miserable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

So who made these advice columnists the arbiter of all good advice? Their advice on manners in a society is one thing, their advice on issues related to values/morality isn't worth a grain of salt. Why would I want to listen to them?

Discreet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

Please show me where Dear Abby said somebody should have an affair. Or dear prudence. Come on where are you getting this information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

Please show me where Dear Abby said somebody should have an affair. Or dear prudence. Come on where are you getting this information?

+1. This is never their advice. The laziness of the “just cheat” people astonishes me. The kids arrived, the men dumped all the physical and emotional
labor on their wives, told themselves they “do half” and now are sure they can’t possibly be expected to improve the relationship.

Fun fact: doing more than half is cheaper than being divorced and your kids don’t think you’re the scum of the earth. But sure just cheat instead...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

Please show me where Dear Abby said somebody should have an affair. Or dear prudence. Come on where are you getting this information?

+1. This is never their advice. The laziness of the “just cheat” people astonishes me. The kids arrived, the men dumped all the physical and emotional
labor on their wives, told themselves they “do half” and now are sure they can’t possibly be expected to improve the relationship.

Fun fact: doing more than half is cheaper than being divorced and your kids don’t think you’re the scum of the earth. But sure just cheat instead...

More excuses. Either you are into your husband, or you're not. If not, let him know there is nothing he can do to change it and he needs to decide how he wants to handle that going forward.

[Anonymous]

You only live once. That’s why I have my wife who wants sex once a month and a coworker who is willing to have sex anytime I want. She is also married so we both have the same liability if we get caught. It’s been working out for 2 years now since it’s just sex and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You only live once. That’s why I have my wife who wants sex once a month and a coworker who is willing to have sex anytime I want. She is also married so we both have the same liability if we get caught. It’s been working out for 2 years now since it’s just sex and nothing more.

And what happens if the spouses and kids find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

Please show me where Dear Abby said somebody should have an affair. Or dear prudence. Come on where are you getting this information?

+1. This is never their advice. The laziness of the “just cheat” people astonishes me. The kids arrived, the men dumped all the physical and emotional
labor on their wives, told themselves they “do half” and now are sure they can’t possibly be expected to improve the relationship.

Fun fact: doing more than half is cheaper than being divorced and your kids don’t think you’re the scum of the earth. But sure just cheat instead...

More excuses. Either you are into your husband, or you're not. If not, let him know there is nothing he can do to change it and he needs to decide how he wants to handle that going forward.

“Tell me you have an superficial understanding of human sexuality without telling me you have an superficial understanding of human sexuality.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who didn't anticipate that this thread was going to devolve in to a just cheat thread? Not sure if OP was looking for validation to cheat or some real advice ( I know it's an old thread). Nevertheless, he has to have anticipated this.

Someone mentioned taking an anti-depressant to lower your libido to zero.

But is there an option other than cheat, divorce or be miserable?

Uhhh, find happiness even though things aren’t going exactly the way you want them? Let go of your ego and figure out out why your efforts aren’t working? Go to therapy? Do some solid research on how to have good open marriages and the balls to approach your spouse about that possibility?

I know nobody wants to hear that they aren’t victims, but it’s still a fact that you are not.

[Anonymous]

Don't have "affairs". Men need sex. Men need the physical attraction. The touch. The feel fo a woman. Find a high end escort to be your friend for 1-2 hours. It's amazing. Afterward, you won't be thinking of sex for weeks. No strings attached. No real names. No emotional attachment. It's just sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

Because of their values? Because they don’t want to be lied to? Because they don’t actually think that things will never change? Because they think their husbands should be satisfied with the amount of sex they are getting, like other men are (sometimes men cheat because they’re only getting it 2x a month and many men don’t cheat because of that).

For women who have serious mental health issues it might be about control. But if a woman really is trying to control her husband by not having sex with him and not wanting him to sleep around, that is psycho and are going to see that in other aspects of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have "affairs". Men need sex. Men need the physical attraction. The touch. The feel fo a woman. Find a high end escort to be your friend for 1-2 hours. It's amazing. Afterward, you won't be thinking of sex for weeks. No strings attached. No real names. No emotional attachment. It's just sex.

Wife here. I’d be more okay with this than an affair. Use your play money as you want. But don’t sneak around. If you feel it’s just sex, then make it as transactional as you say it is.

[Anonymous]

I got a vasectomy so I can finish inside my side piece since my wife who has her tubes tied would never let me. I have so much fun in the 20-30 minutes we are together a couple times a month I don’t even bother my wife for sex and we have a happier relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men need sex to feel emotionally connected to their wives and women need emotional connection to want sex with their husbands. We can argue until we’re blue in the face about whether one should meet the other’s needs when his or her own needs aren’t being met, but that’s the way it is. Somebody has to go first.

I think the better phrasing is "some people need sex to feel emotionally connected to their spouses" and "some people need emotion connection to want sex." There are lots of women who need sex for emotional connection. All the people who want to make this about women resisting the urges of their husbands who act "entitled" to sex are (a) not doing any favors for women who have sexual needs, and (b) are using some shield of pseudo-feminism to give a righteous tinge to their desire not to have sex.

The truth is, if you cannot meet your partner's emotional needs (whether it be through a good sexual relationship, good companionship, good conversation, moral support, etc.) then you cannot expect that the partner is going to bend over backwards to meet your needs. And yes, sexual intimacy is on par with any other kind of intimacy.

This.

End of thread.