Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is the crux of it that you just don’t understand: no one is entitled to someone else’s body in 2021. Call it “having an emotional need met” if you want, there is still no entitlement to sex."

Do you really think that anybody, male or female, who stands in front of their friends and family and promises to love and cherish their spouse so long as they both shall live is contemplating that the other person is going to refuse to touch them physically for years and years? Nobody would make that promise if going untouched for years or decades by the one person who is supposed to adore and love you were a condition of the marriage. Being rejected over and over again by the one person who is supposed to think you're wonderful is excruciating. I know I wouldn't have married my exH if I thought he believed it would be fine to abandon me in the bedroom. I expected that my exH was an adult who had considered the fact that I'd grow older, put on some weight while pregnant, get wrinkles, get gray hair, maybe get seriously ill for a while, etc... and that he'd assessed that he could still love AND desire me for the rest of his life, even if I didn't turn out to be his ideal wife. Every adult KNOWS when they marry that their spouse will not always be as alluring as they are on the wedding day. In the end, he left me for entirely different reasons. But had I left, I feel I would have been more than justified. He was the one who failed to live up to his marriage vows, not me. Had I slept with someone else and he tried to stop me from getting alimony due to my adultery, I would have counter sued him for abandonment that took place long before I ever slept with a third party. Abandonment is just as fatal to a marriage as adultery. It's a cop out. It's what someone does when they check out of the marriage but want to present a facade to the public while still enjoying their spouse's contributions (high salary, status, creating a comfy home environment, etc...). A person who abandons their spouse by not being willing to have sex or figure out what's causing the problem and fixing it needs to be held accountable for destroying the marriage. There is a victim in every marriage where one spouse abandons the other, and I can't understand why so few people on DCUM will acknowledge this.

This is a very narrow- minded view of marriage and commitment.

There are so many ways to "abandon" someone in a marriage, so not sure why you are fixated on this one. Refusing to work together to maintain the household is another form of abandonment. Putting your career ahead of the family's needs is another form of abandonment ( looking at you Barack -- Michelle put up with this for years). Lacking empathy for your spouse's feelings and hurt is another form of abandonment. Lacking communication skills and failing to acquire them is another form of abandonment

When there is a lack of sex, there are almost always other forms of abandonment going on. Why are you so obsessed with this one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is the crux of it that you just don’t understand: no one is entitled to someone else’s body in 2021. Call it “having an emotional need met” if you want, there is still no entitlement to sex."

Do you really think that anybody, male or female, who stands in front of their friends and family and promises to love and cherish their spouse so long as they both shall live is contemplating that the other person is going to refuse to touch them physically for years and years? Nobody would make that promise if going untouched for years or decades by the one person who is supposed to adore and love you were a condition of the marriage. Being rejected over and over again by the one person who is supposed to think you're wonderful is excruciating. I know I wouldn't have married my exH if I thought he believed it would be fine to abandon me in the bedroom. I expected that my exH was an adult who had considered the fact that I'd grow older, put on some weight while pregnant, get wrinkles, get gray hair, maybe get seriously ill for a while, etc... and that he'd assessed that he could still love AND desire me for the rest of his life, even if I didn't turn out to be his ideal wife. Every adult KNOWS when they marry that their spouse will not always be as alluring as they are on the wedding day. In the end, he left me for entirely different reasons. But had I left, I feel I would have been more than justified. He was the one who failed to live up to his marriage vows, not me. Had I slept with someone else and he tried to stop me from getting alimony due to my adultery, I would have counter sued him for abandonment that took place long before I ever slept with a third party. Abandonment is just as fatal to a marriage as adultery. It's a cop out. It's what someone does when they check out of the marriage but want to present a facade to the public while still enjoying their spouse's contributions (high salary, status, creating a comfy home environment, etc...). A person who abandons their spouse by not being willing to have sex or figure out what's causing the problem and fixing it needs to be held accountable for destroying the marriage. There is a victim in every marriage where one spouse abandons the other, and I can't understand why so few people on DCUM will acknowledge this.

And no one is entitled to marriage. If it no longer works for you, abandon it. Nobody will make the promises you talk about if they knew they would not feel like having sex either. Life happens. People change, sex sometimes ends, marriages sometimes fail.

Unless someone deceived you when they married you, sex felt good to them at that point. If they are refusing to have it with you now, does it occur to you that they have lost something too? Does it occur to you that they are struggling with that loss too? Your lack of empathy towards them is abandonment. So if you are victim, they are one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"For us it seems like it helps if we go out and do stuff (see bands, etc) with friends. Women will come up and talk to me or flirt with me and I think it makes something click in her. Its like “Oh yeah, I forgot he’s attractive and other women want to have sex with him.” Sex may not be that night hut it will be the rest of the weekend at least. Its like she gets turned on by other women finding me attractive or hitting on me."

This is what Esther Perel talks about. The distance that allows you to see your partner through the eyes of others is a key part of what keeps you desiring them.

I definitely feel more amorous towards my husband when he takes the initiative to plan fun outings for us to connect as a couple, and it has nothing to do with whether other women flirt with him. When we were dating (and having tons of sex) he was always getting tickets, making reservations, booking the trip, etc.; now he does none of that. If he were to treat me more like a girlfriend and less like a business partner, it would reignite our tepid sex life.

[Anonymous]

I started being more assertive with her, including physically. She wasn't supposed to like it but she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"For us it seems like it helps if we go out and do stuff (see bands, etc) with friends. Women will come up and talk to me or flirt with me and I think it makes something click in her. Its like “Oh yeah, I forgot he’s attractive and other women want to have sex with him.” Sex may not be that night hut it will be the rest of the weekend at least. Its like she gets turned on by other women finding me attractive or hitting on me."

This is what Esther Perel talks about. The distance that allows you to see your partner through the eyes of others is a key part of what keeps you desiring them.

I definitely feel more amorous towards my husband when he takes the initiative to plan fun outings for us to connect as a couple, and it has nothing to do with whether other women flirt with him. When we were dating (and having tons of sex) he was always getting tickets, making reservations, booking the trip, etc.; now he does none of that. If he were to treat me more like a girlfriend and less like a business partner, it would reignite our tepid sex life.

That sentiment pribably goes both ways. Treat eachother like bf/gf and you’d both be happier and more willing to invest in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"This is the crux of it that you just don’t understand: no one is entitled to someone else’s body in 2021. Call it “having an emotional need met” if you want, there is still no entitlement to sex."

Do you really think that anybody, male or female, who stands in front of their friends and family and promises to love and cherish their spouse so long as they both shall live is contemplating that the other person is going to refuse to touch them physically for years and years? Nobody would make that promise if going untouched for years or decades by the one person who is supposed to adore and love you were a condition of the marriage. Being rejected over and over again by the one person who is supposed to think you're wonderful is excruciating. I know I wouldn't have married my exH if I thought he believed it would be fine to abandon me in the bedroom. I expected that my exH was an adult who had considered the fact that I'd grow older, put on some weight while pregnant, get wrinkles, get gray hair, maybe get seriously ill for a while, etc... and that he'd assessed that he could still love AND desire me for the rest of his life, even if I didn't turn out to be his ideal wife. Every adult KNOWS when they marry that their spouse will not always be as alluring as they are on the wedding day. In the end, he left me for entirely different reasons. But had I left, I feel I would have been more than justified. He was the one who failed to live up to his marriage vows, not me. Had I slept with someone else and he tried to stop me from getting alimony due to my adultery, I would have counter sued him for abandonment that took place long before I ever slept with a third party. Abandonment is just as fatal to a marriage as adultery. It's a cop out. It's what someone does when they check out of the marriage but want to present a facade to the public while still enjoying their spouse's contributions (high salary, status, creating a comfy home environment, etc...). A person who abandons their spouse by not being willing to have sex or figure out what's causing the problem and fixing it needs to be held accountable for destroying the marriage. There is a victim in every marriage where one spouse abandons the other, and I can't understand why so few people on DCUM will acknowledge this.

And no one is entitled to marriage. If it no longer works for you, abandon it. Nobody will make the promises you talk about if they knew they would not feel like having sex either. Life happens. People change, sex sometimes ends, marriages sometimes fail.

Unless someone deceived you when they married you, sex felt good to them at that point. If they are refusing to have it with you now, does it occur to you that they have lost something too? Does it occur to you that they are struggling with that loss too? Your lack of empathy towards them is abandonment. So if you are victim, they are one too.

NP
Very fair

[Anonymous]

" Refusing to work together to maintain the household is another form of abandonment. Putting your career ahead of the family's needs is another form of abandonment ( looking at you Barack -- Michelle put up with this for years). Lacking empathy for your spouse's feelings and hurt is another form of abandonment. Lacking communication skills and failing to acquire them is another form of abandonment"

Nope. Each of these things were in existence when you met and married. Most men default to thinking that maintaining a household is primarily the wife's job unless you two had an explicit conversation before the wedding. And most people believe that maximizing earning is the #1 priority of the husband in a marriage, even if it means that other things like family time suffer. And I've never heard of anyone having empathy and great communication skills when they married but then losing them 15 years later. All of these are basic assumptions or things in existence that the spouse can assess and either choose to marry you or not. None of these are surprises. None of these things spring to life on your 10th anniversary. They are in stark contrast to your spouse pronouncing your sexual life dead years into the marriage. Telling you that you cannot have sex with them or anyone else for the rest of your life is an entirely different thing than what you've listed, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" Refusing to work together to maintain the household is another form of abandonment. Putting your career ahead of the family's needs is another form of abandonment ( looking at you Barack -- Michelle put up with this for years). Lacking empathy for your spouse's feelings and hurt is another form of abandonment. Lacking communication skills and failing to acquire them is another form of abandonment"

Nope. Each of these things were in existence when you met and married. Most men default to thinking that maintaining a household is primarily the wife's job unless you two had an explicit conversation before the wedding. And most people believe that maximizing earning is the #1 priority of the husband in a marriage, even if it means that other things like family time suffer. And I've never heard of anyone having empathy and great communication skills when they married but then losing them 15 years later. All of these are basic assumptions or things in existence that the spouse can assess and either choose to marry you or not. None of these are surprises. None of these things spring to life on your 10th anniversary. They are in stark contrast to your spouse pronouncing your sexual life dead years into the marriage. Telling you that you cannot have sex with them or anyone else for the rest of your life is an entirely different thing than what you've listed, PP.

Right. Because sexless marriages are a modern concept. Lol

[Anonymous]

Mine stopped drinking and now wants to have sex again and frequently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

This. I was understanding of her issues for 2 years and she would want everything from me but wasn't interested in much sex. I told her either she moves out of marriage needs to be open. She started improving significantly.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw i am a woman but wasn’t born and raised in the U.S.
It all comes down to having an upper hand, psychologically.
Men in the U.S. have been immasculated (sp?), they can’t be assertive anymore. They are scared of divorce and maybe rightly so as the law can be brutal. They are also made to believe that if they leave it will eff up the kids.
However, it is important to be ready to leave the marriage that doesn’t work for you, and to make it known. Well it’s kinda conveyed anyway if this is sincere. Not everyone’s wives are litigious and many are afraid of divorce but they just have this frame of mind where they think divorce is even worse for the husband.

Btw I would recommend the same to a woman who isn’t getting what she wants in marriage. Having the confidence to declare one’s needs and leave if they aren’t met; independence and ability to be on one’s own emotionally - that’s all it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"For us it seems like it helps if we go out and do stuff (see bands, etc) with friends. Women will come up and talk to me or flirt with me and I think it makes something click in her. Its like “Oh yeah, I forgot he’s attractive and other women want to have sex with him.” Sex may not be that night hut it will be the rest of the weekend at least. Its like she gets turned on by other women finding me attractive or hitting on me."

This is what Esther Perel talks about. The distance that allows you to see your partner through the eyes of others is a key part of what keeps you desiring them.

I definitely feel more amorous towards my husband when he takes the initiative to plan fun outings for us to connect as a couple, and it has nothing to do with whether other women flirt with him. When we were dating (and having tons of sex) he was always getting tickets, making reservations, booking the trip, etc.; now he does none of that. If he were to treat me more like a girlfriend and less like a business partner, it would reignite our tepid sex life.

That sentiment pribably goes both ways. Treat eachother like bf/gf and you’d both be happier and more willing to invest in the relationship.

Yup. Pretty sure my DH wouldn’t have gained 30lbs when we were dating so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw i am a woman but wasn’t born and raised in the U.S.
It all comes down to having an upper hand, psychologically.
Men in the U.S. have been immasculated (sp?), they can’t be assertive anymore. They are scared of divorce and maybe rightly so as the law can be brutal. They are also made to believe that if they leave it will eff up the kids.
However, it is important to be ready to leave the marriage that doesn’t work for you, and to make it known. Well it’s kinda conveyed anyway if this is sincere. Not everyone’s wives are litigious and many are afraid of divorce but they just have this frame of mind where they think divorce is even worse for the husband.

Btw I would recommend the same to a woman who isn’t getting what she wants in marriage. Having the confidence to declare one’s needs and leave if they aren’t met; independence and ability to be on one’s own emotionally - that’s all it takes.

BS.

Other cultures around the world are more accepting of cheating, so men just cheat and no one cares. In fact women cheat too, and people care a little bit more. In other cultures around the world, people don't expect a spouse to meet most of their needs. Marriage is more of a communal concept, building and joining families together. Here, men get married for sex and women for romance, so sex and romance become the main focus. Except some men forget how to romance but still expect sex. And some women expect romance but don't want sex.

In other cultures people are not as sad when the sex and romance fade. The marriages were never centered around those in the first place. Cheating and lack of sex are thus less painful and less scarring experiences.

What does leaving acheive? Where are those unicorns who would satisfy those needs? Most divorce people are even less successful in second marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started being more assertive with her, including physically. She wasn't supposed to like it but she did.

Agreed 💯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw i am a woman but wasn’t born and raised in the U.S.
It all comes down to having an upper hand, psychologically.
Men in the U.S. have been immasculated (sp?), they can’t be assertive anymore. They are scared of divorce and maybe rightly so as the law can be brutal. They are also made to believe that if they leave it will eff up the kids.
However, it is important to be ready to leave the marriage that doesn’t work for you, and to make it known. Well it’s kinda conveyed anyway if this is sincere. Not everyone’s wives are litigious and many are afraid of divorce but they just have this frame of mind where they think divorce is even worse for the husband.

Btw I would recommend the same to a woman who isn’t getting what she wants in marriage. Having the confidence to declare one’s needs and leave if they aren’t met; independence and ability to be on one’s own emotionally - that’s all it takes.

BS.

Other cultures around the world are more accepting of cheating, so men just cheat and no one cares. In fact women cheat too, and people care a little bit more. In other cultures around the world, people don't expect a spouse to meet most of their needs. Marriage is more of a communal concept, building and joining families together. Here, men get married for sex and women for romance, so sex and romance become the main focus. Except some men forget how to romance but still expect sex. And some women expect romance but don't want sex.

In other cultures people are not as sad when the sex and romance fade. The marriages were never centered around those in the first place. Cheating and lack of sex are thus less painful and less scarring experiences.

What does leaving acheive? Where are those unicorns who would satisfy those needs? Most divorce people are even less successful in second marriages.

There’s no need to actually leave. Just convey that one isn’t afraid of leaving or losing a spouse. Cheating isn’t cheating if there’s no sex in marriage so don’t be afraid to “cheat”.
Basically, no fear.