Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went for six years without six until we became empty nesters and divorced. She was pretty surprised because we never fought, though we discussed it ad nauseam, and I treated her very well as she is the mother of my children and she is a very good mother. When I finally said I was done because of it she was very upset that I would leave her but she showed no interest in changing. I didn’t date until after our divorce was final and I was very happy to meet women with very active libidos. My kids say my ex has no interest in dating which makes sense if she has no interest in sex so I guess it just wasn’t about me.

You sound like a decent human being. You did everything right. Glad you’re happier now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

+1 Do be prepared that a divorce could happen but that’s really for the best.

Inaction though means certain divorce, so there is nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you
2. she's tired
3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)
4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.
2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you
2. she's tired
3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)
4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.
2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

And it's hard to feel sexy when you are caring around 20+ extra pounds after having kids, no matter what your husband tells you. Women don't have as much self esteem about their bodies as men seem to. Men can think they are hot even with a 20lb beer belly. Women don't generally feel that way.

I have a really flabby belly and the dreaded mother's apron from having a large baby (I am very petite). I don't feel sexy with my clothes off, but DH tries really hard to make me feel sexy and beautiful. And he cooks, does house chores (though I have to initiate it first), fixes stuff around the house, does the gardening, etc.. And yes I do, too, and yes we have a decent sex life. IMO, it would be better if he was better in bed, but he does try and cares about whether I am enjoying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went for six years without six until we became empty nesters and divorced. She was pretty surprised because we never fought, though we discussed it ad nauseam, and I treated her very well as she is the mother of my children and she is a very good mother. When I finally said I was done because of it she was very upset that I would leave her but she showed no interest in changing. I didn’t date until after our divorce was final and I was very happy to meet women with very active libidos. My kids say my ex has no interest in dating which makes sense if she has no interest in sex so I guess it just wasn’t about me.

Same here, word for word except ten years instead of six and I'm a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you
2. she's tired
3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)
4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.
2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

And it's hard to feel sexy when you are caring around 20+ extra pounds after having kids, no matter what your husband tells you. Women don't have as much self esteem about their bodies as men seem to. Men can think they are hot even with a 20lb beer belly. Women don't generally feel that way.

I have a really flabby belly and the dreaded mother's apron from having a large baby (I am very petite). I don't feel sexy with my clothes off, but DH tries really hard to make me feel sexy and beautiful. And he cooks, does house chores (though I have to initiate it first), fixes stuff around the house, does the gardening, etc.. And yes I do, too, and yes we have a decent sex life. IMO, it would be better if he was better in bed, but he does try and cares about whether I am enjoying it.

I had three mega babies which wrecked my tummy and I don’t like my husband to see me naked in the bathroom or in our closet. That insecurity is my problem as my husband has never said anything. But with the lights out in our bedroom I’m ok being naked and my husband is very attentive to my needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you

She should get a divorce. Why would a woman stay married to a husband whom she resets? Find the door and leave the asshole.

Anonymous wrote:
2. she's tired

She needs to learn to prioritize (stop doing so much tiring stuff) and/or outsource and/or ask for help. It does not take much to conserve 20 minutes of energy twice per week to prevent divorce.

Anonymous wrote:3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)

Maybe. But then she would say so, and the guys on this thread would not be here wondering, they would all be at the gym.

Anonymous wrote:4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

It is difficult to imagine just how incredibly handicapped a woman would need to be (24x7 life support) such that all forms of sex are impossible. Is this a realistic scenario worthy of mainstream discussion?

Anonymous wrote:
These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.

Why would a woman marry a man who is selfishly bad in bed? This makes no sense. Again, she would be telling him what he's doing wrong, and he would surely do those things (because... sex).

Anonymous wrote:2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Um, sure. But this sounds just like "she resents you" up above, and we know she would immediately divorce an asshole like that.

[Anonymous]

I’m guilty of this with my husband. Since having our kid sex just hurts. Period. I’ve talked to my gyn about it and when I was breastfeeding she suspected it was dryness and hormones and gave me estrogen cream. That didn’t help. And it’s been 2 years since breastfeeding stopped and sex still hurts and the doc has no solutions. I bite my lip through it but I just can’t do it more than once every two weeks or so. And frankly my husband knows he’s hurting me and that kills the intimacy anyway. So we’re largely sexless right now.

I say this as I would like more than anything to keep my husband happy but I literally can’t without being in pain and that’s a turnoff for him anyway. According to this thread the solution is divorce. Great. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guilty of this with my husband. Since having our kid sex just hurts. Period. I’ve talked to my gyn about it and when I was breastfeeding she suspected it was dryness and hormones and gave me estrogen cream. That didn’t help. And it’s been 2 years since breastfeeding stopped and sex still hurts and the doc has no solutions. I bite my lip through it but I just can’t do it more than once every two weeks or so. And frankly my husband knows he’s hurting me and that kills the intimacy anyway. So we’re largely sexless right now.

I say this as I would like more than anything to keep my husband happy but I literally can’t without being in pain and that’s a turnoff for him anyway. According to this thread the solution is divorce. Great. Thanks.

Given there are dozens of random body parts, positions, toys, and acts that would bring you pleasure not pain, I question your sincerity.

Only Living Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor Kronkheit: Don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you

She should get a divorce. Why would a woman stay married to a husband whom she resets? Find the door and leave the asshole.

Anonymous wrote:
2. she's tired

She needs to learn to prioritize (stop doing so much tiring stuff) and/or outsource and/or ask for help. It does not take much to conserve 20 minutes of energy twice per week to prevent divorce.

Anonymous wrote:3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)

Maybe. But then she would say so, and the guys on this thread would not be here wondering, they would all be at the gym.

Anonymous wrote:4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

It is difficult to imagine just how incredibly handicapped a woman would need to be (24x7 life support) such that all forms of sex are impossible. Is this a realistic scenario worthy of mainstream discussion?

Anonymous wrote:
These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.

Why would a woman marry a man who is selfishly bad in bed? This makes no sense. Again, she would be telling him what he's doing wrong, and he would surely do those things (because... sex).

Anonymous wrote:2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Um, sure. But this sounds just like "she resents you" up above, and we know she would immediately divorce an asshole like that.

Jesus, PP. Do you have any empathy at all? Unless your wife is on 24/7 life support, she owes you sex, no matter what? Even if you’re unpleasant and argumentative (like you are on these boards), even if sex is not pleasurable or even painful for her? Perhaps your wife via disinterested in sex because you see her as a vagina and not a whole human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guilty of this with my husband. Since having our kid sex just hurts. Period. I’ve talked to my gyn about it and when I was breastfeeding she suspected it was dryness and hormones and gave me estrogen cream. That didn’t help. And it’s been 2 years since breastfeeding stopped and sex still hurts and the doc has no solutions. I bite my lip through it but I just can’t do it more than once every two weeks or so. And frankly my husband knows he’s hurting me and that kills the intimacy anyway. So we’re largely sexless right now.

I say this as I would like more than anything to keep my husband happy but I literally can’t without being in pain and that’s a turnoff for him anyway. According to this thread the solution is divorce. Great. Thanks.

There are a lot of ways you can be very sexually active without PIV. The options are not sexless or PIV. If you are sexless that is a choice that has nothing to do with sex hurting.

[Anonymous]

Get a FWB...

[Anonymous]

Following so far. So hearing the women chime in, it sounds like they have legit reasons for not wanting sex. Have most of you talked to your husband and tried to find a way where both of you can be happy? My wife just says no, end of discussion, which leaves me feeling unwanted. Shouldn’t this be a two way discussion?

[Anonymous]

For the women on here.... FWB: ok or not? If you shut him down and say no to FWB, how can that work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you

She should get a divorce. Why would a woman stay married to a husband whom she resets? Find the door and leave the asshole.

Anonymous wrote:
2. she's tired

She needs to learn to prioritize (stop doing so much tiring stuff) and/or outsource and/or ask for help. It does not take much to conserve 20 minutes of energy twice per week to prevent divorce.

Anonymous wrote:3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)

Maybe. But then she would say so, and the guys on this thread would not be here wondering, they would all be at the gym.

Anonymous wrote:4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

It is difficult to imagine just how incredibly handicapped a woman would need to be (24x7 life support) such that all forms of sex are impossible. Is this a realistic scenario worthy of mainstream discussion?

Anonymous wrote:
These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.

Why would a woman marry a man who is selfishly bad in bed? This makes no sense. Again, she would be telling him what he's doing wrong, and he would surely do those things (because... sex).

Anonymous wrote:2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Um, sure. But this sounds just like "she resents you" up above, and we know she would immediately divorce an asshole like that.

Jesus, PP. Do you have any empathy at all? Unless your wife is on 24/7 life support, she owes you sex, no matter what? Even if you’re unpleasant and argumentative (like you are on these boards), even if sex is not pleasurable or even painful for her? Perhaps your wife via disinterested in sex because you see her as a vagina and not a whole human being.

Yup Sexless Marriage guy is a very unpleasant, mean, nasty person. I'm surprised anyone wanted to ever have sex with him. And the reason she doesn't want to divorce you is because you will be spiteful during the process and she knows it. And she doesn't want to split custody with you bc
then the kids will be stuck with you alone half the time
I'm sure you belittle her and blame her for all your problems. You are one of those fragile ego asholes who are Never Wrong.

Why don't YOU initiate divorce?