Contacting Biological Father

[Anonymous]

I know the name of my biological father but have never contacted him and have never wanted to. I read on another message board where a woman in much my same situation had her husband contact her birth father just to get a detailed medical history as the woman and her husband were planning to have a baby.

I would love to do this. My husband is a police officer and could visit my biological father without causing any disruption in his life (he could say that maybe my bio-father witnessed a hit-and-run or something). We are planning to have children one day and a medical history would be vital. I also really don't want to meet my biological father or have any kind of a relationship with him. He and my mother were boyfriend/girlfriend when they were both 19 and my mother got pregnant with me. My mother told him she was pregnant and contacted him again after I was born and he didn't want to get involved. My mother raised me alone and I had a great childhood. She has since passed away.

All I want is a medical history. My husband said he would handle it diplomatically and calmly. Has anyone else ever sent their significant other to get a medical history from their biological parent without ever meeting or personally contacting their bio-parent?

[Anonymous]

A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

[Anonymous]

Or spend the money to get a genetic screening. Everything else is environmental/behavioral anyway.
http://www.genetichealth.com/resources_adoptees_and_genetic_information.shtml

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

Sorry, I didn't explain this well. My husband, as a cop, could go to my bio-father's office and ask to speak to him privately about a hit-and-run he may have witnessed or something similar. Then, once alone, tell bio-father who he was and what we want from him. I have no idea if my bio-father has a family or if he does, if they know he fathered a child prior. A cop asking to speak to a potential witness wouldn't invite as many questions as a woman (me) showing up.


As for contacting him directly in a letter - I just don't want to. I don't want to risk his asking to see me. I just want the medical information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

Sorry, I didn't explain this well. My husband, as a cop, could go to my bio-father's office and ask to speak to him privately about a hit-and-run he may have witnessed or something similar. Then, once alone, tell bio-father who he was and what we want from him. I have no idea if my bio-father has a family or if he does, if they know he fathered a child prior. A cop asking to speak to a potential witness wouldn't invite as many questions as a woman (me) showing up.


As for contacting him directly in a letter - I just don't want to. I don't want to risk his asking to see me. I just want the medical information.

The initial deception alone would put me off answering any personal questions.

And your husband is aware that he could get in big trouble for doing this if your biological father complained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

Sorry, I didn't explain this well. My husband, as a cop, could go to my bio-father's office and ask to speak to him privately about a hit-and-run he may have witnessed or something similar. Then, once alone, tell bio-father who he was and what we want from him. I have no idea if my bio-father has a family or if he does, if they know he fathered a child prior. A cop asking to speak to a potential witness wouldn't invite as many questions as a woman (me) showing up.


As for contacting him directly in a letter - I just don't want to. I don't want to risk his asking to see me. I just want the medical information.

Having your husband visit him to ask, in uniform, seems unethical at the very least. In fact, I think it's the worst idea I've heard in a long time.

Write him a letter, and give him your mailing address. If he asks to see you, firmly and kindly tell him that you don't want that much contact.

In short, be a grown-up. You will survive, without all the silly drama of anybody showing up in anybody's office wearing any kind of uniform.

[Anonymous]

So you don't just want to avoid contact with him. You also want to cut off any possibility of a relationship with paternal grandparents, aunts & uncles, younger half-siblings, etc.

[Anonymous]

PS. If you're smart, you will send him the same kind of questionnaire that sperm donors are asked to fill out. That gives a fairly complete medical history. Don't just vaguely say "what's your medical history." Look online and you should be able to find examples. That will make it easier for both of you.

Are you really sure you're not looking for contact/drama? Because I can't imagine why else you'd do all that when a simple letter would suffice.

[Anonymous]

OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you don't just want to avoid contact with him. You also want to cut off any possibility of a relationship with paternal grandparents, aunts & uncles, younger half-siblings, etc.

Yes, I don't want any contact/relationship with his family or children - and never have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

When they are investigating a crime or otherwise "on the job". My brother is a LEO. I know that this type of crap can get your husband desked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

Have you even asked your husband about your idea? Pretty sure he would set you straight on what he can and cannot do.

Medical history seems like a ruse. I don't think you can stir things up without expecting something else to happen. Your Father probably has a wife and family. Your husband showing up and asking medical history or exposing what was likely an omission your Father's entire life would cause a lot of drama for everyone. It sounds like almost vengeance. You hope he suffers as a result of your contact for all the years he ignored you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

Sorry, I didn't explain this well. My husband, as a cop, could go to my bio-father's office and ask to speak to him privately about a hit-and-run he may have witnessed or something similar. Then, once alone, tell bio-father who he was and what we want from him. I have no idea if my bio-father has a family or if he does, if they know he fathered a child prior. A cop asking to speak to a potential witness wouldn't invite as many questions as a woman (me) showing up.


As for contacting him directly in a letter - I just don't want to. I don't want to risk his asking to see me. I just want the medical information.

The initial deception alone would put me off answering any personal questions.

And your husband is aware that he could get in big trouble for doing this if your biological father complained.

+1 that's insane. And a complete abuse of authority if your husband did this to get in your BF's door. If you don't feel comfortable contacting your BF then have your husband do it openly and honestly as your husband and not as a cop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

Have you even asked your husband about your idea? Pretty sure he would set you straight on what he can and cannot do.

Medical history seems like a ruse. I don't think you can stir things up without expecting something else to happen. Your Father probably has a wife and family. Your husband showing up and asking medical history or exposing what was likely an omission your Father's entire life would cause a lot of drama for everyone. It sounds like almost vengeance. You hope he suffers as a result of your contact for all the years he ignored you.

OP again - I think that with my idea my bio-father can give me the information I need WITHOUT causing any drama in his life. Bio-father could just say that there was a cop asking questions about his being a witness to an accident and that's the end of it. He never has to tell his family, if he has one, about me. Honestly, all I want is his medical history.

Again, maybe it's a bad idea but the point was to get the information without me having to contact him and without causing bio-father ANY problems.

[Anonymous]

Kinda curious how you were able to find the guy (particularly his home and work addresses) after so many years. I'm hoping your DH didn't use law enforcement resources for this.