Contacting Biological Father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

Have you even asked your husband about your idea? Pretty sure he would set you straight on what he can and cannot do.

Medical history seems like a ruse. I don't think you can stir things up without expecting something else to happen. Your Father probably has a wife and family. Your husband showing up and asking medical history or exposing what was likely an omission your Father's entire life would cause a lot of drama for everyone. It sounds like almost vengeance. You hope he suffers as a result of your contact for all the years he ignored you.

Yes, I spoke to my husband about this and he said he'd do it. We are in a different state than bio-father, if that matters. But now I'm worried that my husband would risk getting into trouble just to make things easier for me - he's like that.

[Anonymous]

And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

Have you even asked your husband about your idea? Pretty sure he would set you straight on what he can and cannot do.

Medical history seems like a ruse. I don't think you can stir things up without expecting something else to happen. Your Father probably has a wife and family. Your husband showing up and asking medical history or exposing what was likely an omission your Father's entire life would cause a lot of drama for everyone. It sounds like almost vengeance. You hope he suffers as a result of your contact for all the years he ignored you.

Yes, I spoke to my husband about this and he said he'd do it. We are in a different state than bio-father, if that matters. But now I'm worried that my husband would risk getting into trouble just to make things easier for me - he's like that.

[Anonymous]

Op have your husband go see him. Ask to talk to him privately and ask him questions you may have. It seems like maybe you want him to acknowledge you and that's okay. Don't listen to what anyone else says, do what your heart is telling you too but please prepare yourself for the fact that he may not acknowledge you. My husband met his dad at 32, dad insisted in meeting him, came by. 3 times and never showed up again. Even thought his was the outcome it brought a lot of peace to my husbands life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious how you were able to find the guy (particularly his home and work addresses) after so many years. I'm hoping your DH didn't use law enforcement resources for this.

My mother left his name, occupation and hometown in a letter to me she put in her safe-deposit box. I found it after she had died. I have no idea what his home address is and I only had to google the information my mother left me and his work address came up. DH didn't need to use any police resources even if he could (as I wrote, we live in a different state than bio-father).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious how you were able to find the guy (particularly his home and work addresses) after so many years. I'm hoping your DH didn't use law enforcement resources for this.

My mother left his name, occupation and hometown in a letter to me she put in her safe-deposit box. I found it after she had died. I have no idea what his home address is and I only had to google the information my mother left me and his work address came up. DH didn't need to use any police resources even if he could (as I wrote, we live in a different state than bio-father).

At 19, your bio-dad had a stable occupation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious how you were able to find the guy (particularly his home and work addresses) after so many years. I'm hoping your DH didn't use law enforcement resources for this.

My mother left his name, occupation and hometown in a letter to me she put in her safe-deposit box. I found it after she had died. I have no idea what his home address is and I only had to google the information my mother left me and his work address came up. DH didn't need to use any police resources even if he could (as I wrote, we live in a different state than bio-father).

At 19, your bio-dad had a stable occupation.

My mother must have looked him up before she died - she obviously knew his name and hometown. I never even knew his name until I read her letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

That's not at all how you explained it initially. In addition, if he has a wife he may not want to speak privately. Then what? This is just an all-around poor idea. Very childish that you would send someone to ask on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

That's not at all how you explained it initially. In addition, if he has a wife he may not want to speak privately. Then what? This is just an all-around poor idea. Very childish that you would send someone to ask on your behalf.

Chances are bio-father's wife doesn't work in his business office.

And so what if I am being childish?! I want the information without having any contact with the man who knocked up my mother and never lifted one finger to help her!!! Her entire life from the age on 19 on was to work (she had to quite college - he didn't) and work hard and take care of me. My mother gave me a wonderful life but she never had one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

That's not at all how you explained it initially. In addition, if he has a wife he may not want to speak privately. Then what? This is just an all-around poor idea. Very childish that you would send someone to ask on your behalf.

Chances are bio-father's wife doesn't work in his business office.

And so what if I am being childish?! I want the information without having any contact with the man who knocked up my mother and never lifted one finger to help her!!! Her entire life from the age on 19 on was to work (she had to quite college - he didn't) and work hard and take care of me. My mother gave me a wonderful life but she never had one.

Lots of women didn't quit college entirely when they had a baby. Your mom could have taken time off, then returned, if only part-time until she finished her degree.
Why didn't your mom file for CS?
And why did she raise you to believe that your birth and rearing caused her to not have a wonderful life?

[Anonymous]

I think u have the right to your medical history.

Find a really thorough form to give him. And then maybe you should mail it to him. Or call him at his office, and ask him where you can send it?

Having your husband show up with some fake story is weird. If an officer showed up at my workplace it would be a huge source of gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

That's not at all how you explained it initially. In addition, if he has a wife he may not want to speak privately. Then what? This is just an all-around poor idea. Very childish that you would send someone to ask on your behalf.

Chances are bio-father's wife doesn't work in his business office.

And so what if I am being childish?! I want the information without having any contact with the man who knocked up my mother and never lifted one finger to help her!!! Her entire life from the age on 19 on was to work (she had to quite college - he didn't) and work hard and take care of me. My mother gave me a wonderful life but she never had one.

Lots of women didn't quit college entirely when they had a baby. Your mom could have taken time off, then returned, if only part-time until she finished her degree.
Why didn't your mom file for CS?
And why did she raise you to believe that your birth and rearing caused her to not have a wonderful life?

I'm not interested in explaining my mother's motives or situation to you. I SAW that my mother had a very hard life, she never complained - not once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

That's not at all how you explained it initially. In addition, if he has a wife he may not want to speak privately. Then what? This is just an all-around poor idea. Very childish that you would send someone to ask on your behalf.

Chances are bio-father's wife doesn't work in his business office.

And so what if I am being childish?! I want the information without having any contact with the man who knocked up my mother and never lifted one finger to help her!!! Her entire life from the age on 19 on was to work (she had to quite college - he didn't) and work hard and take care of me. My mother gave me a wonderful life but she never had one.

So what? You are an adult. If you are genuine in your quest for information you would care about handling my this with maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if your dad said "I haven't witnessed any accidents, hit and run or otherwise."? How would your DH keep up the ruse then?

Our "plan" was for husband to go to bio-father's office, identify himself as a Blank City Detective and ask to speak with him privately. Once alone, he would tell bio-father who he was and what he wanted - hand my bio-father the medical questionnaire our doctor gave us - and them tell bio-father he could tell his co-workers, secretary, etc. that this Blank City Detective wanted to talk to him about seeing a hit and run or witnessing some other auto accident.

It isn't a ruse - it's just a way to give bio-father a way to cover my husband's visit!

I really explained this badly - I'm sorry!

That's not at all how you explained it initially. In addition, if he has a wife he may not want to speak privately. Then what? This is just an all-around poor idea. Very childish that you would send someone to ask on your behalf.

Chances are bio-father's wife doesn't work in his business office.

And so what if I am being childish?! I want the information without having any contact with the man who knocked up my mother and never lifted one finger to help her!!! Her entire life from the age on 19 on was to work (she had to quite college - he didn't) and work hard and take care of me. My mother gave me a wonderful life but she never had one.

Lots of women didn't quit college entirely when they had a baby. Your mom could have taken time off, then returned, if only part-time until she finished her degree.
Why didn't your mom file for CS?
And why did she raise you to believe that your birth and rearing caused her to not have a wonderful life?

I'm not interested in explaining my mother's motives or situation to you. I SAW that my mother had a very hard life, she never complained - not once.

She should have worked hard to conceal her martyrdom and depression. A child shouldn't know that their single parent is having a very hard life. When my grandmother was widowed in the 1950s, she ate one meal a day and told her kids that she was dieting when they asked why she didn't eat breakfast or lunch (kids came home for lunch in those days). My mother and her siblings were pretty far into adulthood before an uncle explained that his sister gave up her other two meals so that the kids had enough to eat.