Contacting Biological Father

[Anonymous]

Honestly you sound very immature and I question your judgement. You are going to set yourself up to fail. Your husband should not use his profession to bully your father into anything. You send a card stating that you are his biological daughter and would appreciate family history/medical information and that is it. Provide your phone, address and email. Short, simple. Send it with delivery confirmation so you know it arrived. If your mom told him you exist, he knows. Grow up and handle this yourself like an adult.

As a mom through adoption I can tell you medical history is overrated. We were completely lied to. I did an open adoption so I would know this and we were told many things and many of those, including the paperwork they filled out is a lie. We've been in contact with other family and have a more accurate picture. In any family, it is hard to really know full history but it is nice to have immediate information.

[Anonymous]

I vote against the letter. OP, is there any way you can e-mail him or find him on facebook or something to reach out to him?

The reason I vote against the letter is because you only know his work address and if he has a secretary that opens his mail it might make things unpleasant in the office. E-mail or facebook or whatever would be more direct and targeted. I also wouldn't include the questionnaire on the first contact. See if he's willing to provide the info first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the name of my biological father but have never contacted him and have never wanted to. I read on another message board where a woman in much my same situation had her husband contact her birth father just to get a detailed medical history as the woman and her husband were planning to have a baby.

I would love to do this. My husband is a police officer and could visit my biological father without causing any disruption in his life (he could say that maybe my bio-father witnessed a hit-and-run or something). We are planning to have children one day and a medical history would be vital. I also really don't want to meet my biological father or have any kind of a relationship with him. He and my mother were boyfriend/girlfriend when they were both 19 and my mother got pregnant with me. My mother told him she was pregnant and contacted him again after I was born and he didn't want to get involved. My mother raised me alone and I had a great childhood. She has since passed away.

All I want is a medical history. My husband said he would handle it diplomatically and calmly. Has anyone else ever sent their significant other to get a medical history from their biological parent without ever meeting or personally contacting their bio-parent?

Has you husband been a LEO for about a week? You REALLY think he can saunter up to your sperm donor of a father under the guise of a hit and run accident and start probing into his family's medical background? Lord help that child that you're planning to have if either of you think that will work...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

Sorry, I didn't explain this well. My husband, as a cop, could go to my bio-father's office and ask to speak to him privately about a hit-and-run he may have witnessed or something similar. Then, once alone, tell bio-father who he was and what we want from him. I have no idea if my bio-father has a family or if he does, if they know he fathered a child prior. A cop asking to speak to a potential witness wouldn't invite as many questions as a woman (me) showing up.


As for contacting him directly in a letter - I just don't want to. I don't want to risk his asking to see me. I just want the medical information.

And when your bio father complains to your husbands superior officers about your little ploy, how do you think that will go over for you? If you want to know, either ask yourself, send your husband WITHOUT some big lie, or maybe have your mother do it. She chose to have a baby with him, maybe she owes you this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - My husband is a detective (plain clothes) so he wouldn't be walking in in uniform and cops are always allowed to "give cover" so there is no problem there.

But maybe you guys are right - I should just send him a letter with a medical questionnaire. When I read that this other woman did send her husband to contact her bio-father, it just seemed like an easier idea.

OP, you're an idiot and so is your husband for even giving this stupid plan any serious consideration. YOU two are part of the reason that ethical LEO's get a bad name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cop isn't going to get a detailed medical history from an alleged hit and run witness.

Be honest and send a letter stating that you just want to know about medical history.

Sorry, I didn't explain this well. My husband, as a cop, could go to my bio-father's office and ask to speak to him privately about a hit-and-run he may have witnessed or something similar. Then, once alone, tell bio-father who he was and what we want from him. I have no idea if my bio-father has a family or if he does, if they know he fathered a child prior. A cop asking to speak to a potential witness wouldn't invite as many questions as a woman (me) showing up.


As for contacting him directly in a letter - I just don't want to. I don't want to risk his asking to see me. I just want the medical information.

And when your bio father complains to your husbands superior officers about your little ploy, how do you think that will go over for you? If you want to know, either ask yourself, send your husband WITHOUT some big lie, or maybe have your mother do it. She chose to have a baby with him, maybe she owes you this?

OP's mom let this mess ferment all those years and then died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op have your husband go see him. Ask to talk to him privately and ask him questions you may have. It seems like maybe you want him to acknowledge you and that's okay. Don't listen to what anyone else says, do what your heart is telling you too but please prepare yourself for the fact that he may not acknowledge you. My husband met his dad at 32, dad insisted in meeting him, came by. 3 times and never showed up again. Even thought his was the outcome it brought a lot of peace to my husbands life.

IF OP's DH goes to see this man, he needs to do it as your husband, NOT as a LEO. I truly cannot believe that any detective would give this asinine idea any consideration at all. Did he not work hard to make detective? Because seriously, if word of this crap gets back to his superiors, he won't be enjoying detective status any longer

[Anonymous]

You can bet your ass that if a detective showed up to my place of work asking to speak to me, then made up the reason why he was there, and THEN announced he was the husband of my daughter and this was personal business that the second he walked out id be filing a formal complaint and your husband would be in major trouble. I seriously question your husband's intelligence.

[Anonymous]

I suspect OP's husband shot this idea down and she came to DCUM hoping to get support that she could brandish in his face.

[Anonymous]

Sorry all you hysterical "couch cops". I'm an attorney with the city and any police officer can approach you at any time and say, "I'm Officer Smith and I'd like to speak to you privately". You don't have to go, you don't have to talk - but there is nothing at all wrong with doing what the OP suggested. Her husband's occupation only gave the biological father a plausible lie as to who the man was and what he wanted if his co-workers asked later.

Further, my little hysterics, anyone at any time can approach you and say something like, "I'm Dr. Smith from General Hospital and I'd like to speak to you privately" or "I'm Principal Skinner from City High School and I'd like to talk to you privately".


So calm down, ladies! The OP was right and her husband would not be doing anything illegal or unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry all you hysterical "couch cops". I'm an attorney with the city and any police officer can approach you at any time and say, "I'm Officer Smith and I'd like to speak to you privately". You don't have to go, you don't have to talk - but there is nothing at all wrong with doing what the OP suggested. Her husband's occupation only gave the biological father a plausible lie as to who the man was and what he wanted if his co-workers asked later.

Further, my little hysterics, anyone at any time can approach you and say something like, "I'm Dr. Smith from General Hospital and I'd like to speak to you privately" or "I'm Principal Skinner from City High School and I'd like to talk to you privately".


So calm down, ladies! The OP was right and her husband would not be doing anything illegal or unethical.

+100,000. The "Harpies" really went to nuts on this OP for no reason. Going after her husband and her dead mother! Pathetic, Ladies - truly pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry all you hysterical "couch cops". I'm an attorney with the city and any police officer can approach you at any time and say, "I'm Officer Smith and I'd like to speak to you privately". You don't have to go, you don't have to talk - but there is nothing at all wrong with doing what the OP suggested. Her husband's occupation only gave the biological father a plausible lie as to who the man was and what he wanted if his co-workers asked later.

Further, my little hysterics, anyone at any time can approach you and say something like, "I'm Dr. Smith from General Hospital and I'd like to speak to you privately" or "I'm Principal Skinner from City High School and I'd like to talk to you privately".


So calm down, ladies! The OP was right and her husband would not be doing anything illegal or unethical.

Disagree. The OP was proposing something unethical, that her detective husband represent himself as a on-duty LEO for personal reasons. Sorry, but this is quite different from your attorney-centric explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry all you hysterical "couch cops". I'm an attorney with the city and any police officer can approach you at any time and say, "I'm Officer Smith and I'd like to speak to you privately". You don't have to go, you don't have to talk - but there is nothing at all wrong with doing what the OP suggested. Her husband's occupation only gave the biological father a plausible lie as to who the man was and what he wanted if his co-workers asked later.

Further, my little hysterics, anyone at any time can approach you and say something like, "I'm Dr. Smith from General Hospital and I'd like to speak to you privately" or "I'm Principal Skinner from City High School and I'd like to talk to you privately".


So calm down, ladies! The OP was right and her husband would not be doing anything illegal or unethical.

Disagree. The OP was proposing something unethical, that her detective husband represent himself as a on-duty LEO for personal reasons. Sorry, but this is quite different from your attorney-centric explanation.

Agree.
I just called my brother about this. He's a police officer. He said that OP's DH can't say "I'm here to ask you about a hit and run." if he's really there to ask about his wife's paternity.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if a cop said to a young woman, "I need to speak with you in connection to an accident." and then asked for her phone number.

I can guarantee he is going to face unpleasant professional consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry all you hysterical "couch cops". I'm an attorney with the city and any police officer can approach you at any time and say, "I'm Officer Smith and I'd like to speak to you privately". You don't have to go, you don't have to talk - but there is nothing at all wrong with doing what the OP suggested. Her husband's occupation only gave the biological father a plausible lie as to who the man was and what he wanted if his co-workers asked later.

Further, my little hysterics, anyone at any time can approach you and say something like, "I'm Dr. Smith from General Hospital and I'd like to speak to you privately" or "I'm Principal Skinner from City High School and I'd like to talk to you privately".


So calm down, ladies! The OP was right and her husband would not be doing anything illegal or unethical.

Disagree. The OP was proposing something unethical, that her detective husband represent himself as a on-duty LEO for personal reasons. Sorry, but this is quite different from your attorney-centric explanation.

Read her posts again - she was by no means proposing anything illegal or even unethical. Her husband's occupation only gave cover to her biological father.