WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Teach her that some people suck, that she is not required to be friends them and she can take the high road and not engage with them. She can be polite about it. The easiest way to handle crazy is not to eenage with crazy.

[Anonymous]

Teach her that some people suck, and that she is not required to be friends with them, but don't let the gas lighters confuse you about what the high road actually is. Letting mean girls get away with it is not taking the high road, its being complicit in the cultivation of a mean girl environment. She can be polite about it, not engage with crazy, and quietly report to the coach (and school if this is at school), the simple facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really think you can round up an entire team except one person at the last minute?

Of course - PP gave the example

Again you are approaching the situation as an adult. These are teens. This was a big deal. It’s one of the few things they had going on and it’s not like they had to move around meetings and get coverage for projects, send email updates, get some one to do car pool and so on.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to add another perspective as a former div 1 athlete - is this a competitive group with hopes of athletic scholarship? If so, you need to know that kids AND parents are capable of some very competitive and even despicable behavior when hopes of athletic glory are involved. Parents who arrange a meeting with a star athlete do not sound like casual people and I wouldn’t put it past parents knowing what happened or turning a blind eye if it mean eliminating competition (hoping your daughter might drop from the team).

If this is the case, I’d say your daughter should focus on what she wants in her sport and in friendship (sounds like she already has a handle on friendship part) and act accordingly. Don’t quit if she likes the sport and wants to continue. In 3 years the girls will go their separate ways anyway. Keep in mind coaches prefer stable personalities and are wary of decisive types. They also talk amongst themselves. Your friend who is out of the blue asking to “catch up” may be offering support (though in my book a “hey I heard about what happened and I’m sorry - we talked to our DD about how wrong that was - want to catch up” would have actually shown direct support)...or she may be sussing out your plans or wanting to discourage you from going to coach. Having this on record for her daughter does not look good to future coaches. It would give the team a bad image (which frankly it deserves) and I’m sure some parents are worried about that.

Personally, I would not share any info with any of these parents - (I wouldn’t get to gether to chat now.). If you do go, I’d be noncommittal about it all (DD doesn’t want to do anything). I’d want to share the situation somehow with the coach or a club coach sometime though even if after the season. They should know. Very weird they weren’t included in meet-Greet

Good luck - people can be such jerks. Good people, too - you just have to find them. Life lessons...

[Anonymous]

PP ^^ Great perspective.

Chiming in to add that I think the coach should be informed. I get that your daughter wants to fly under the radar, but I still think the adult in charge of the kids’ team should know.

Second reason I say that is for your/your daughter’s protection if this does escalate. This instance should be documented. I hope you don’t need it but you don’t want to find yourself in the position of being on defense as the school asks why you didn’t report this.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, not sure if you're still checking this thread, but another vote for telling the coach. This is the kind of thing I need to know as a coach. In fact, if I found out much after the fact I would also be having a discussion with your daughter about how I was disappointed that she didn't say something, because this kind of thing is detrimental to the team, and I expect my players to act for the good of the team.

If the school honor code is implicated, your daughter may have a responsibility to say something or be in violation of the Honor Code herself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP-

I haven't read through the entire thread so I don't know if my comments have been stated already.

This was not a prank. A prank is filling shoes with shaving cream or replacing sugar with salt. This was an intentional act of cruelty designed to cause your daughter pain.

I would suggest that you NOT demand an apology. Not only would it not be sincere but you would also prolong the time it takes for your daughter to heal and move forward.

Both you and your daughter now know where she stands in the "friend" group. Use that information to help your daughter make her next move.

Does she want to quit the team? Typically we don't allow kids to quit in the middle of a season or session but this is an unusual circumstance. If she wants to quit, let her.

Work hard to create new connections with other friends. Plan parties, trips to movies, LOTS of activities that will help her connect with people outside of that group.

Take a break from social media. I KNOW that will be hard for her (and it will seem like a punishment) but her emotions need a break. Seeing posts pop up from that group -talking about how much fun they're having and how awesome they all are will be like pouring salt in the wound and will make moving on that much more difficult. If you don't want her to take a break from social media, at least stay logged in to her account so you can see what she sees and can talk about it with her.

This is true mean girl stuff and I'm so sorry that it came at your daughter's expense.

[Anonymous]

Can you write to the star pro athlete and explain what happened, See if she or he is sympathetic and would provide some special message or moment with your player that she could post on Social media? Have your kid post then carry on around without saying one word.

[Anonymous]

OP if your daughter has thoughts of playing in college, do not bring this situation to social media (or the star, which may lead to social media). On social media you have no control over how things play out. This group already has shown despicable behavior so don’t underestimate them - more importantly, don’t tie yourself to this group of losers online. Protect your daughter’s future.

The only people that can have any positive affect on this situation are the coaches. The other players and their parents have already demonstrated what they are capable of and I wouldn’t waste any more time wth them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if your daughter has thoughts of playing in college, do not bring this situation to social media (or the star, which may lead to social media). On social media you have no control over how things play out. This group already has shown despicable behavior so don’t underestimate them - more importantly, don’t tie yourself to this group of losers online. Protect your daughter’s future.

The only people that can have any positive affect on this situation are the coaches. The other players and their parents have already demonstrated what they are capable of and I wouldn’t waste any more time wth them.

x10000

A voice of reason. Thank you. OP, the moms that immediately make as many phone calls as possible only bring themselves and their children down. I have seen it, and it is not pretty. I feel bad for their children. I don't feel bad for the moms that do that, because they brought it upon themselves and their families.

OP seems level headed and focused on truly doing the right thing, especially by her DD, which is the most important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach her that some people suck, that she is not required to be friends them and she can take the high road and not engage with them. She can be polite about it. The easiest way to handle crazy is not to eenage with crazy.

+1
YES! THIS! I agree a million percent, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Actually I could see how is would be a very simple act to pull off that no one would even notice until the actual event. The parent left it up to the kid to communicate the final details. The kid did so last minute. The kid did this by using some electronic means where she copied the whole team except the OPs DD. None one on the team went through to see who was copied to receive it, they just assumed it was the whole team. The event comes, all the team shows up but OPs DD and the kid in question then tells everyone what she did. Very little pre planning and no need to involve anyone else ahead of time.

The PP said it was a brazen act to pull off & they had a lot of balls to do it, not that it required a lot of planning... sheesh.

And what I am telling you is that it was NOT a brazen act and it took VERY LITTLE thought or confidence to pull off.

The poster who wrote this is thinking like the Gen X'er he/she is and not like a teen today.

Technology allows a kid can make a spur of the moment decision without involving anyone else, do it, and then tell others about it after it's done.

Seriously, there is just no masterminding here. It's way to simple of a situation. Stop thinking teen girls are "masters of manipulation". They are not. Most use simple manipulation tactics that any thinking adult should be able to spot a mile away.

All bully girl had to do was start a new group text without one cell number. I bet most didn’t know until after the event.

She already said that they were ALL in on it, but the rest of the team were probably too intimidated to speak up.

Bullies use intimidation, so-called "pranksters" don't.

[Anonymous]

a little bit of NAIR in their shampoo would be a start...

[Anonymous]

Growing up and even up until last year, I think I would have said - raise your head high and ignore, move on, etc. You don't want to provoke a reaction. I've changed that opinion. That sense of entitlement, superiority, and dominion that allowed these girls to do this needs to be checked. They need to face consequences for this behavior. Every time we stay silent is what allows this type of behavior to exist. It's NOT OK. We need to raise better children to be better adults. Speak up and show your daughter that it's good to stand up for yourself. She has a right to feel hurt (it was hurtful), and seek justice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was the target of horrible bullying I find it terrible advice of posters to advise that OP’s daughter will learn from this experience, will be stronger, should have a stiff upper lip.

This kind of social alienation, isolation and shaming is horrible. Telling someone to get over it, in the future you will laugh about it, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, is the opposite of helpful. Because the victim is then double shamed, because you’re still upset and not feeling any better the next day or next week and think “what’s wrong with me, why am I still upset, I should have been over this by now, a normal person would I have moved on but I can’t....”

Nip this in the bud OP. This won’t be the last time these girls pull this crap on your DD, if they think they can get away with it they will keep doing it. And your DD will feel worse,,every single day she has to go to school and see them. Every day. Call the coach, pick up the phone and call. Tonight. I send a virtual hug to your DD,,because bullying is just awful.

+100
As the mother of a child who through MS didn't want to "get the coach mad at me" or "make waves" or "if you tell the teacher she won't understand" but was the target of cruel bullying, she is now dealing with anxiety (9th grade) because we switched schools (due to said bullying) and for the most part the students are very nice but she doesn't trust the nice ones not to "turn" on her. She's having trouble forming close friendships, something she never had trouble with in the past. In MS she never wanted to confront anyone, asked us not to call teachers (even though we did), and wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to most of the bullies. I'm thinking that might be why your DD was targeted---she's level-headed, strong and mature. But the bully effects WILL catch up with her. Because she'll remember that people can be so mean even if she is kind. Keep a close eye on her, call these bullies out how you see fit, and get her around other teammates. Best of luck. I'm so sorry you're going through this.