WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to the coach. I would be involved in making it known to the coach this happened. What they choose to do with that info is up to them.

If the coach (whether they knew it was happening or not) is interested in fostering a team spirit, they need to get back to basics - some team building, apologies, etc. I mean, this had to be pretty involved for the kids to all keep mum about it, and at the event, if someone asked where your daughter was/noticed she was missing, they probably lied aloud then as well.

This would be a moment for your daughter to let them know (and if they are good friends and have known each other a while she shouldn't be nervous about doing that) how this made her feel. Let the team settle it amongst themselves and then walk away. It's better in the long run for everyone and hopefully better for the team.

I agree -- that was another thing that was so weird. In younger years, we all carpooled. I cannot understand how one of the parents didn't think, oh! Is Larla late? Let me check with Larla's mom to see where they are so they don't miss this.

The kids probably had concocted a story for their parents. Some seemingly legit reason why she wasn't there. As a parent, I'd want to know if my kid lied to me like that.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure I’d blame the other parents—I would just assume Lalra was sick or had another commitment. My guess is that plenty of girls in this team think the two leads are judge bitches, but don’t feel they have the social capital to successfully confront them. If your daughter stays on the team, she should make efforts to strengthen bonds with the ones who were uncomfortable with this. The queen bees may have overplayed their hand here, and it could be that the social dynamic of the team will start to splinter into those girls who just want to play the sport and be decent people, and the girls who are using the team as a social power play.

My guess is that the girls’ well-connected parents will be no help here. I think when younger kids act badly, parents are often helpful because it doesn’t reflect family values as much as poor impulse control or under-developed social skills, and the parents are usually trying to help them in those arenas. Teens who are deliberately cruel in this sort of planned, sustained way are probably not being exposed to the right family values.

[Anonymous]

I would call a meeting with the coach and the principal and demand that those kids be removed from the team. There's no way your daughter can continue to enjoy it with them there, and there's no way your daughter should be the one to have to leave the team for being bullied (which is what this is, pure and simple).

It will also send a message to the school sports community that this type of thing will absolutely not be tolerated.

If the coach refuses to kick them off the team then I'd release their names to the community. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to the coach. I would be involved in making it known to the coach this happened. What they choose to do with that info is up to them.

If the coach (whether they knew it was happening or not) is interested in fostering a team spirit, they need to get back to basics - some team building, apologies, etc. I mean, this had to be pretty involved for the kids to all keep mum about it, and at the event, if someone asked where your daughter was/noticed she was missing, they probably lied aloud then as well.

This would be a moment for your daughter to let them know (and if they are good friends and have known each other a while she shouldn't be nervous about doing that) how this made her feel. Let the team settle it amongst themselves and then walk away. It's better in the long run for everyone and hopefully better for the team.

I agree -- that was another thing that was so weird. In younger years, we all carpooled. I cannot understand how one of the parents didn't think, oh! Is Larla late? Let me check with Larla's mom to see where they are so they don't miss this.

Some of those kids probably did carpool. You'd think at least 1-2 of the parents would check the kids phones and knew.

[Anonymous]

My coach would have any teammate found to have done something like this running stairs during practice and missing some games if not being removed from the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would phone or talk face-to-face with each of the organizers (parents, coach?) and ask for both clarification and a public apology to my daughter in front of the entire team.

I would explain that their behavior was gratuitously exclusionary and hurtful, and that fit the definition of bullies. This is what bullies do. I would add that it was unprofessional on the part of the coach and that it greatly jeopardizes his or her credibility on the job. I would conclude that they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking this could ever be construed as a fun prank.

And I would talk about it with everyone in the community, naming names.

I would very much like to do this but I am worried that this is just my Mama Bear/Revenge/Retaliation instinct. If she decides to stay on the team, would this have a net positive or net negative effect? If she decides to leave, then yes, absolutely, everyone should know why.

She stays on the team and holds her head up high. You raise hell. Doing nothing for the sake of keeping the peace is teaching her the wrong thing here.

I like this advice. Stay on the team, work hard to make varsity next. Living well is the best revenge. But yeah, Mom, I would at a minimum reach out to the coach. My DS is on two HS teams and those coaches work pretty hard to foster TEAM. I think they'd want to know about this, even if it was outside of school. Our school emphasizes honor and integrity, and it extends beyond the school day and grounds. I'd start with the coach and see what kind of response you get.

I'm so sorry this happened, it's beyond sh*tty.

[Anonymous]

This is not a prank, this is bullying and total bs. I would call the other parent and the coach. How the team acts as a whole is a concern of the coach, and this involved the entire team singling out another team member. WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would alert the coach and/or the parents. That's pretty crappy behaviour on the part of those kids, and I have my doubts it was the first time or the last time they've done something that mean. I would let them know in a factual way, not demanding an apology or any action, but I wouldn't let it go unnoticed by people with some authority in their lives.

How could I phrase this? I am really, really struggling here. I alternate between rage and desire to weep.

"Coach, just wanted to let you know something about last Saturday. Larla was as excited as any of the girls to get to meet Mia Hamm. For reasons neither she nor I know, Etta and Betta decided it would be funny to not tell her when the meet up was, and to get the other girls to keep it from her also. She was understandably hurt when she figured out what happenned. Etta and Betta told her it was just a joke, but as you can imagine, she doesn't see it that way. I'm leaving it to her to decide if she wNts to continue to play with the team, but I thought you should know what happenned, and handle it as you see fit. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss it further."

[Anonymous]

OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:

This really was bullying.

Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.

OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).

She gets to decide whether to stay or go.

Other parents may or may not have known.

Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.

Did I get all that right? Anything else?

[Anonymous]

Dear OP - is there some kind of a student honor council in your school, where people are brought to for cheating? I could file a complaint there after informing the coach that you intend to pursue that route. Copy the school principal and the assistant principal on the letter of complaint which should include all the emails as well as what your daughter was told in person. You should interview your daughter about the sequence of events, and save it in a dated e-stamped document, to make contemporaneous testimony.

Save this post, too. It is timed and dated.

I would, without a doubt, encourage your daughter to quit the team. If the school does the right thing, the team should be disbanded for the season anyway after this event is made public, or at least the JV should be. The two girls who organized the prank should be made ineligible for school sports, with a note on their transcripts. I would not accept anything less as a parent. If those or similar terms are not met, I would contact the news media .

Also, do not hesitate to contact the celebrity athlete in question. I would fully expect that he or she would want to vindicate the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would alert the coach and/or the parents. That's pretty crappy behaviour on the part of those kids, and I have my doubts it was the first time or the last time they've done something that mean. I would let them know in a factual way, not demanding an apology or any action, but I wouldn't let it go unnoticed by people with some authority in their lives.

How could I phrase this? I am really, really struggling here. I alternate between rage and desire to weep.

"Coach, just wanted to let you know something about last Saturday. Larla was as excited as any of the girls to get to meet Mia Hamm. For reasons neither she nor I know, Etta and Betta decided it would be funny to not tell her when the meet up was, and to get the other girls to keep it from her also. She was understandably hurt when she figured out what happenned. Etta and Betta told her it was just a joke, but as you can imagine, she doesn't see it that way. I'm leaving it to her to decide if she wNts to continue to play with the team, but I thought you should know what happenned, and handle it as you see fit. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss it further."

Nowhere near strong enough.

[Anonymous]

Write to the coach and copy the principal and assistant principal on the email. Name names. Say that you expect some resolution of this.
Is this a private school? If public, say you'll go higher in the ranks if the bullying isn't stopped.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd broach this with coach and the connected parents as (a) x happened (then give a matter-of-fact account about what happened), and (b) ask for their perspectives about what happened. I doubt the coach and the parents were on board with what happened. Focus on having a productive conversation oriented toward understanding and taking constructive action.

For the best outcome, set aside the mama bear reactivity. You want your daughter to grow into a level-headed leader - model that for her. Don't let her give her sense of self and self worth over to people who don't deserve it. Teach her how and why she shouldn't give them that power.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter has asked you not to mention it. I would talk with her more before saying anything to the coach.

[Anonymous]

This may be a weird aside, but all teams have their duos/trios. So, unless DD a loner (doesn't sound like she is) there had to be a closer friend on the team that could have told. I don't know if you should talk to the coach or parents, but definitely tell your DD, that not telling her about the prank represents a lack of character and it's a good skill to be able to identify that in the future when choosing friends.