WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the situation. My DD is involved in a JV sport who teammates practice together throughout the entire school year. These girls have all played together for years and have mostly been extremely close friends (there are always one or two divas but, generally speaking, the girls are all close because they have spent so much time together). Parents, too, have now known each other for years. Well...the parent of one of the girls arranged a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the JV team to meet/take pictures/get autographs with one of the stars of their sport (parents are very connected people). The DD of the parent who made the arrangements together with one of the other teammates decided it would be funny to "mistakenly" give the wrong info to my DD causing my DD to miss the event. All the other JV girls knew and went along with this, we assume because the two pranksters are considered the team stars (though the coaches named no captains) and the rest of the girls didn't feel like they could make waves given that the parent of one of the stars had created the opportunity and they didn't want to miss out. Well, my DD starts seeing all of the photos on Instagram and realizes that she has missed the event and wonders why no one told her the right info -- not the arranger or any of the other teammates. At the next practice, DD asks in the locker room why no one said anything. One teammate confesses she felt really bad (though apparently not bad enough to say anything). The two pranksters just laugh and call it "just a fun prank." She's devastated and can't understand why anyone would do something so mean and is questioning her very desire to remain on the team with these people she used to think of as her closest friends. I'm struggling to help her through this mainly because I agree -- why would anyone want to stay on the team? But to give up a sport that she has worked so hard at along with her extracurricular activity and her cohort seems so wrong. WWYD?

I would say she should find another team. Sounds like they don't really like her and they are mean girls. Who wants to hang out with that!

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate the forthright update, OP. I've been wondering about your family a lot. Very impressive daughter you have there. Best of luck in the future.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for taking the time to update us.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for updating us, OP. Your daughter sounds like a true star. So glad that she spoke up for herself and that it's had positive effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DD handled it in the best possible way. This will probably end up being a powerful learning experience for her and she will be a much stronger woman as a result. I hope the best for you both going forward.

+1. You talk a lot about your own thought processes in your update, but what led your daughter to change her mind? How did she decide what to say?

This was absolutely the best possible solution and resolution, particularly because she did it on her own.

Second best would have been you talking to the other adults about what happened, in the context of figuring out where the poison is that allowed it.

[Anonymous]

bravo OP and best to you and your daughter. You are an awesome mom you have a fabulous daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP--great outcome and thanks for the update. At the risk of trying your patience, I do have one question: did the coaches/other adults ever find out, or did all of the interaction happen just between your DD and teammates?

[Anonymous]

So good to hear this outcome - good for your daughter. Standing up that way is not easy. This will serve her well in the future, long past her participation on this team.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is more elegant than most of us here posting on this board. We should all learn from this!

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for the update. I would caution you not to downplay your daughter's right. All children deserve to be treated fairly and to be free of bullying. It shouldn't require that a parent volunteer or donate money.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your nuanced and well-thought out update, op. And your dd is awesome and I am so impressed with her. Major kudos to her for standing up for herself.

I do still hope the coach finds out what happened at some point though, both what the girls did and your dd's response. It seems unfair somehow to leave him/her in the dark about it all.

[Anonymous]

Wow. What a strong girl, and what a compassionate mom. I hope she has a smooth path from here!

[Anonymous]

OP - kudos to you, and to your DD! You did an amazing job in your parenting - your daughter handled the situation herself AND it worked. To say "well done" is an understatement. Good on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP back with an update. I have been having trouble figuring out where to begin but want to give you some answers to some of your questions and let you know which pieces of advice we ultimately followed and where we plan to go from here.

So many of you urged going to the coach or the administration while another contingent urged listening to my daughter’s feelings and advised caution (particularly with respect to going to the other parents involved or using social media in any form). But it was two posts, one right after the other, that really jolted me. Here they are:

First post:
One of the early posters on the thread here.

People who are posting ever longer and more aggressive posts on this are missing an important point. There is no father involved in the thread; OP is likely a single mom. Perpetrator girls are "well connected". OP is aware of this.

The excluded kid and her mom, the OP, have some kind of a social reason to "eat it", stay quiet, keep playing the sport. I would guess private school and academic scholarship, since the child would be on Varsity if it were athletic. Or perhaps the child is "living with a family friend" to attend a well-regarded public. That is why the mom is painfully looking for the way through without demanding any resolution. That is why she is unsure of the social norms (was it really bullying?). That is probably why the child was excluded to begin with.

Second post, immediately following the first one:
Wow, you are quite a jerk.

My DD went through a similar experience in high school several years ago and only now after reading this thread do I realize it was actually bullying. When it happens to your child, it stuns you and you think that surely this can’t be what really happened. In our case, yes, it was at a private school AND we were full pay AND dad is fully in the picture, but understands teen girl dynamics even less than I do, so he let me take the lead on this.

Take your crazy conspiracy theories elsewhere


I have to say, each of the posters kinda hit the nail on the head. The second poster is right: When it happens to you, you are stunned. You just can’t believe it. Not only did my daughter wonder why she was targeted and whether she did something to cause this, so did I. I wondered if I had done something to offend the other girls’ parents. Or was our family considered socially unacceptable in some way that I was not aware of? We each victim blamed ourselves. I did some deep soul searching to see whether I had consciously or unconsciously signaled that we were not “one of them” in some way that caused my daughter to be the target of this particular prank. And she also did some self-reflection to see whether she had led these girls to believe that she would in some way just take it. Or that she had led them to believe that she was a “safe target” because she would not retaliate (and neither would her mom).

I realized, like the first poster above, that my own sense of the parent social and political dynamics at the school were such that I did not feel like I could go to the coach or the administration even if my DD had not asked me not to. We are not a single parent family, our financial situation is not notable in any way, we are not immigrants nor a diplomat/World Bank family just here for a few years, we are neither helicopter parents nor absent parents. But I did let the power balance get out of whack. I didn’t step up when there were volunteer calls as often as others. I have not held leadership positions on any committees, fundraisers, school foundations, booster clubs, or PTAs. I wasn’t snack mom as often as others over the years. I had a low profile and, as it turns out, it was too low. Other parents made splashy donations, became President of this or Chief Fundraiser for that. And those parents made friends with the other parents who did that and they, in turn, had the ears of the teachers, coaches and administration and I did not. It is as much a condemnation of how our school works as an admission of a strategic error on my part.

So, when my DD was pranked and asked me not to go to the coach or the administration, I agreed. Because, after all, how could I affect any change and who would listen to me over the other parents? Those other parents whose volunteer help and money they need. All while cognizant of the college admission cycle that we will all be going through together in a couple of years. So…first poster, you were right. I, along with my DD, was seeking the easiest path to resolution because neither of us felt we had any power.

Except…a funny thing happened. After a little more reflection, my DD decided to do something. She confronted the team and essentially told them how destructive to the team environment their prank was and that while they can expect her commitment to winning they should not expect her friendship or respect. This has apparently shifted the atmosphere in a fabulously unexpected way – the other girls have been chagrined and walk on eggshells around her. And the more they do that the more confident and unwavering my DD has become, so much so that the coach has remarked on her new bearing. I underestimated both my DD’s grace and her grit and I am so proud of how she has conducted herself.

I, on the other hand, have learned a valuable lesson. I have other children and will have eyes wide open now. I’m sure many of you are disappointed that I did not go to the coach or the administration, particularly those of you that wondered how the bullying would ever end unless people spoke out. I understand and appreciate that point of view but could not be the person to take on the establishment in that way -- the establishment is not built to listen to one person coming forward. It is built to favor the hyper-involved or affluent or socially powerful. Rather than approach the school about what happened to my DD, I would love to approach the school about changing the environment in a way where everyone feels like they could pick up the phone. For example: board positions should rotate frequently and be distributed evenly among levels (to avoid concentration among a few, close friends), parents should not be allowed to donate directly to teams but rather just to the school (to avoid special treatment of child), etc. I’m sure we could brainstorm a ton.

So that’s it. Many thanks, again, to all of you who contributed to this thread. All of the replies were invaluable during this process.

With best wishes to each of your and your families-
OP

Dear OP - I am Poster #1. I am also the same poster who, very early on in the thread, suggested that you keep a written record.

Your daughter is finding her mature self through this situation. Sometimes our children have stronger personalities than we do as adults. There is everything right about having a backbone. Your daughter has it. It is worth more than any athletic achievement she is likely to obtain on a JV team. I can only congratulate you, and encourage you to give yourself credit as a parent.

I would still encourage you to keep this post for documentation purposes, in case it is ever relevant. I can envision scenarios where a contemporaneous record would become necessary. Do no rely on DCUM, in case somehow it disappears, but copy and past the entire thing into a time stamped document.

Take care,
Poster #1

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for updating. I haven't commented until now, but have been following. Your daughter is amazing, and you have been a thoughtful and reasonable voice throughout all this dialogue. I've learned a lot from this discussion.

I am so sorry that your school culture is such that you feel your/DD's voice wouldn't matter or wouldn't be heard if you did speak up - simply because you were not as involved or powerful in that community as other parents. It is depressing that the adults in a school community still have their own in-crowds and popularity contests, which pushes other families to the margins or makes them wonder first what THEY did wrong if their child is bullied. My kids' former school could be very much like that. It did not keep me from trying to advocate when my child was bullied for months, but I know there would have been a better response had I been one of the parents who was Really Involved. I appreciate the parents who are generous with time and money, of course - but looking down on those who don't or can't follow suit is toxic. School faculty and administrators playing favorites is both toxic and unacceptable. I think most parents who aren't involved would be more involved if it were logistically and/or financially possible. The reality is that it is not.

I truly hope that people reading this thread might recognize how that in-crowd dynamic can affect their own school communities, and consciously work to make things more inclusive.