WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, your DD sounds like a mature young woman. Very impressive. As painful as this experience was, it sounds like she had a very empowering experience confronting this situation.
And you are obviously a very thoughtful, insightful, and caring mom.

[Anonymous]

There's no way the teen girl me could have ever spoken up this way, I would have been terrified! Good on your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for updating us, OP. Your daughter sounds like a true star. So glad that she spoke up for herself and that it's had positive effects.

+100

I wish I'd had the strength and courage your DD demonstrated when I was teen.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP, it's powerfully written and I appreciate reading it.

Congratulations to your daughter and yourself for thinking through these challenging concepts. I am very happy that your daughter found a meaningful resolution! She has found the silver lining in this painful situation, and I am sure it will benefit her in the future.

I have to tell you - it was for exactly the reasons you so intelligently articulated that I became involved in my children's school PTA. For leverage, in case it would ever be needed. This year, the teacher made some *nearly* xenophobic comments about my second child. Like you, I wasn't exactly sure how to correctly evaluate the situation. I requested that my child switch to a different class, and my request was granted. Perhaps knowing the Principal after many years of prominently volunteering at the school didn't actually matter, or perhaps it did. I will never know. All I know is that my child is happier with another teacher.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is my new hero! Seriosuly. I am in awe. That is real strength and courage . Wow. You should be tremendously proud of her. And I also enjoyed how real and insightful your update was. I will say, I do think you might have been pleasantly suprised by the coach or Athletic Director. We were in a situation where we had zero leverage at the school and were basically too humiliated to complain, and someone complained to the Athletic Director on our behalf and his response was swift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your DD handled it in the best possible way. This will probably end up being a powerful learning experience for her and she will be a much stronger woman as a result. I hope the best for you both going forward.

+1. You talk a lot about your own thought processes in your update, but what led your daughter to change her mind? How did she decide what to say?

This was absolutely the best possible solution and resolution, particularly because she did it on her own.

Second best would have been you talking to the other adults about what happened, in the context of figuring out where the poison is that allowed it.

OP here. In retrospect, I think it was going through something like the 5 stages of grief. She passed through various stages as she processed what happened from extreme sadness that she had missed out to anger at the cruelty of the prank. Somewhere upthread I talked about a heart-to-heart that we had and about how at that point, from urging on this thread, I told her I would not call the prank a prank any longer because it was a form of bullying. It took her a while longer to endorse that conclusion and a while after that to see all of the actors through the lens of the power dynamics I spoke of in my update and particularly how she thought those dynamics made the teammates feel immune from any possible retribution. Despite the unfairness that that made her feel, she remained firm that she did not want to report what happened and did not want to quit though, you may recall, she did agree to remain vigilant about team interactions. Well, sometime after that, she came home one night after practice and told me that she had been paired up in a drill with two other girls, one of whom was in on the prank and the other who was the actual prankster (the Arranger-Parent's DD). The Prankster apparently gave her a fake smile and encouraged her and the other girl doing the drill to do a great job to really show off for the rest of the teammates and the coach. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for my DD and caused her to confront the locker room later. She wanted it clear that fake smiles and enthusiasm on the field would not negate the cruelty and she wouldn't be a party to fake team spirit in front of the coach. This is the confrontation that ended in her telling them she was committed to the team but had lost respect for the teammates who had perpetrated the prank. She utterly strides in and out of practice now. As other PPs have said, I would not have had the wherewithal either at that age. But, really, it was the result of a lot of dialogue and I am both not ashamed and a little ashamed to admit that I needed the aid of the responders on this board to help me talk to her about it. But she worked her way to these conclusions and then acted on her own.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is a superstar. You must be very proud. I hope she finds friends who deserve her.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for the updates. I've thought about you & your daughter since first reading this. So proud of her for her courage in standing up to these bullies -- and even more pleased that she stayed on the team, which she rightfully still deserves to play on. Amazing to hear & really wonderful. Great parenting, btw -- it's in the messy, complicated situations where there's not a clear path forward that your measured, thoughtful interactions with your daughter really paid off. May you have nothing remotely this complicated to navigate with her for the rest of HS!!

[Anonymous]

Good for your daughter, OP! So do the coaches know the story now? Or just noticing a shift and don’t know why ?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is great. At one point you said you were planning an update after a couple of other things happened - you felt like a parent (who had maybe read here?) had reached out to you. Did that happen?

In any case, I'm glad your daughter found her voice. It sounds like a good outcome.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the update, OP. I have been hoping that you would come back. Your daughter and you have been on my mind frequently. Your daughter sounds like an awesome girl and I am so proud of her for finding her way through this with grace and aplomb. I am sorry the bullying happened but I am happy to hear that the situation is working itself out and that your daughter is using her inner strength to make peace with it and grow. Best wishes to her and you for the future!

[Anonymous]

I am a fellow single parent with kids in private school and I can't muster that much sympathy. You were that mom that always says you are "too busy" and can't be expected to volunteer because you are a single parent. So no one else is busy? No other parent is single? You are right - lesson learned.

I am willing to bet money that what your DD said to her teammates was really a threat and that she had some info that she could use against them. After all these are teen girls we are talking about and being chastised for being mean isn't going to effect their behavior for more than a day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a fellow single parent with kids in private school and I can't muster that much sympathy. You were that mom that always says you are "too busy" and can't be expected to volunteer because you are a single parent. So no one else is busy? No other parent is single? You are right - lesson learned.

I am willing to bet money that what your DD said to her teammates was really a threat and that she had some info that she could use against them. After all these are teen girls we are talking about and being chastised for being mean isn't going to effect their behavior for more than a day

The OP very clearly said upthread that she is not a single parent. Your issues are your own.

[Anonymous]

Op I for one have learned a lot from this thread.
Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is great. At one point you said you were planning an update after a couple of other things happened - you felt like a parent (who had maybe read here?) had reached out to you. Did that happen?

In any case, I'm glad your daughter found her voice. It sounds like a good outcome.

This is OP.

Yes -- a few extraneous pieces of info:

1. I did have coffee with another parent. I think it was a solidarity moment for her without openly talking about what happened. No real news there. But, at least, I feel like there is one other parent who I can sit with at events and that is huge for me. I had wondered how I would show up for things from this point forward.

2. Some PPs have asked whether the coach ever found out at all even if not through me or my DD. I suspect yes but don't know for sure. There were enough photos on Instagram that I think it would have been impossible to miss -- I believe the Teacher-Parent knows for sure and the equivalent of Coach's Assistant (another employee of school) as well. She has an Instagram account related to the sport that some of the teammates follow and vice versa and would have at least seen the photos. It is the lack of chatter by the coaching staff and support staff that makes me wonder. Almost as if they know it is a sensitive subject and therefore haven't mentioned the event itself at any subsequent practices or events. I also wonder whether some of the kind comments about my DD's newfound confidence are related to them knowing and wanting to show her support.

3. My DD has also had several sessions now with the private coach I offered to hire for her and that she finally decided to take me up on. This person is a former professional though not a long-standing one or one that ever made more than the minimum salary (no endorsements, no big contract, no international or even national presence, no one anyone would know). But this person has seen. it. all. While the eagle eye coaching specific to my daughter has been great to smooth out some skills, the sisterhood of "let me tell you how to handle this situation" has been even better. It is like having a big sister who talks the same language. I think this has also helped my DD walk into the locker room everyday -- it's like the knowledge exchange with the private coach has given her a layer of armor in some way. It isn't cheap but has been worth every penny and we don't plan to stop anytime soon.

-OP