How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Why does the one poster who gets so triggered by these threads keep coming back to get angry and yell at the other commenters? Suggestion: Avoiding these threads may help you feel better. You are not changing anything by yelling at anonymous commenters on one tiny thread on the internet. Everyone else on the thread is commenting because that makes them feel better. If this thread makes you feel worse for whatever reason, step away.

I come back because you’re spreading false and prejudicial lies about autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Why does the one poster who gets so triggered by these threads keep coming back to get angry and yell at the other commenters? Suggestion: Avoiding these threads may help you feel better. You are not changing anything by yelling at anonymous commenters on one tiny thread on the internet. Everyone else on the thread is commenting because that makes them feel better. If this thread makes you feel worse for whatever reason, step away.

I come back because you’re spreading false and prejudicial lies about autism.

also not sure why you think that commenting here “makes people feel better.” Imagine if there was a thread full of racist invective and you told me “why comment? people are just posting slurs because it makes them feel better!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Why does the one poster who gets so triggered by these threads keep coming back to get angry and yell at the other commenters? Suggestion: Avoiding these threads may help you feel better. You are not changing anything by yelling at anonymous commenters on one tiny thread on the internet. Everyone else on the thread is commenting because that makes them feel better. If this thread makes you feel worse for whatever reason, step away.

I come back because you’re spreading false and prejudicial lies about autism.

Stories are real. They are not lies. There is also a ton of scientific literature to back up these experiences both of the non-autistic spouse and the autistic spouse. No one said they were indicative of everyone. You have the experience of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Why does the one poster who gets so triggered by these threads keep coming back to get angry and yell at the other commenters? Suggestion: Avoiding these threads may help you feel better. You are not changing anything by yelling at anonymous commenters on one tiny thread on the internet. Everyone else on the thread is commenting because that makes them feel better. If this thread makes you feel worse for whatever reason, step away.

+1

[Anonymous]

My spouses diagnoses was a big A ha moment for our whole family and extended family.

We were told to read up on it, get an experienced therapist specializing in autism, have them try Hypnotherapy, exercise, cut out coffee and sodas, and continue on lexapro for anger and anxiety outbursts. The theory there was anxiety caused the lashing out and temper tantrums.

Everyone did their reading and individual and some group therapy except the ASD I spouse. They did some therapy but wouldn’t put in the time to learn new habits. I myself had to change therapists $4000 in since my wasn’t coming up with coping methods, they just implied divorce was the best option. I explored that with several lawyer consults and ultimately think the children would be worse off, however many experts believed the ASD I spouse would eventually drift to every other weekend and convenient dinner dates with the kids. Doing the day to day or managing a custody schedule would overwhelm them and they could be their Best Self if it was in smaller spurts like a weekend of stuff or a dinner after their activities.

So we are ready to go down that route if things get bad in the household again. They pretty much ignore me and the kids and all emails and schedules. They prefer to constantly ask What’s going on today, if they feel they have some time and energy.

Definitely not a life partner or active spouse, parent or homeowner. Very reactionary if any reaction happens, and can handle small tasks if mentally available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

+100.

It’s really insulting.

The kids started noticing at about age 9 and were startled by how differently their ASD parent behaved in the house (zombie-like) versus with external people (masking).
They felt hurt; their parent preferred to interact with neighbors or coworkers or school parents rather than them.
They were not old enough to realize their ASD parent only talked about the same 1-2 things (work) or mainly asked a canned 1-3 questions of others and sat there listening or telling bad jokes.

The kids got zero validation of their feelings or experiences from their ASD parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

First mourn the marriage. It is not going to be what you or anyone would have signed up for.

If you have kids, socialize as much as possible with others. Know that you are going to be a single parent no matter what. Hire help if you can.

Get a bigger and better support network of friends and family. Tell them what yours going through; many get it.

Have a professional or good set of friends you can really spill the beans to.

Self care. Eat well. So vacations with the kids or by yourself if they’re safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

Yes. We know. You’ll be here every time, being hysterical, being wrong and being loud about it.

Here’s that attention you ordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

Yes that’s right - autism is an insult, and everyone who disagrees with you has autism. Thanks for making that clear!

#DoublingDown
#MoreRigidity
#ExhibitA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

Yes that’s right - autism is an insult, and everyone who disagrees with you has autism. Thanks for making that clear!

#DoublingDown
#MoreRigidity
#ExhibitA

just stop. everyone can tell you’re displacing all of your personal responsibility for your own life onto a supposed diagnosis.

get.divorced if you hate your spouse. end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

+100.

It’s really insulting.

The kids started noticing at about age 9 and were startled by how differently their ASD parent behaved in the house (zombie-like) versus with external people (masking).
They felt hurt; their parent preferred to interact with neighbors or coworkers or school parents rather than them.
They were not old enough to realize their ASD parent only talked about the same 1-2 things (work) or mainly asked a canned 1-3 questions of others and sat there listening or telling bad jokes.

The kids got zero validation of their feelings or experiences from their ASD parent.

The constant lack of responding and validation of anything is painfully obvious once you see it. Our kids will get therapy once they’re older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

Yes that’s right - autism is an insult, and everyone who disagrees with you has autism. Thanks for making that clear!

#DoublingDown
#MoreRigidity
#ExhibitA

just stop. everyone can tell you’re displacing all of your personal responsibility for your own life onto a supposed diagnosis.

get.divorced if you hate your spouse. end of story.

What about the kids? Who cares for them? Who takes care of them?

Just step away and let them do daily pizza, screens and soda, forget about homework and practices, being on time, being healthy, or any actual human interaction during ASD Dad time?
Or maybe age inappropriate lecture time will surface if there’s enough energy after work.
Or just shove a FaceTime screen in front of them to “talk” to some other family member.
Or just act like 2 yo and Disney dad it- online shopping, junk food shopping, movie nights daily, late bedtime. So much love!

Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also in answer to you question, I dated him for 2.5 years. My parents dated for 3 months. It seemed like enough time.

PP are you me? My ExDH was really a pretty great partner until the first kid came along. We were together for 3 years before we got married and 8 years altogether before we had our first kid. He just couldn't handle it. Since I had a lot of experience babysitting and teaching, he deferred to me even more. After the 2nd, he just stopped even trying to really be of assistance. He would do little things that I would do without even thinking about it and then announce that he had done it and expect to be praised. Both kids are SN and I dealt with all of that in addition to working and arranging my hours and work and so that I had as little childcare as possible because we couldn't afford it. ExDH is a typical Aspie -- multiple languages, advanced degrees. But he's underemployed so does something useful but makes FAR less than he should. He could do a fairly easy side gig and make 20% again his income in a few hours/week but he refuses because he "doesn't have time." That's because he's addicted to an online video game and also a hobby that is his obsession.

Most of this developed slowly over time with the exception of the huge change when the kids were born. He didn't particularly drink or play video games when I met him, for ex.

Our kids are in college so there's less to do now, but I have to say that my leaving him seems to have been the wakeup he seemed to need. With part time parenting (and even more part time emotional/executive functioning parenting), he can handle some of it. He can take the hour here and there and whole weekends or weeks off. So he's back to be more functional in some ways and I can actually assign him some specific executive tasks and be reasonably sure that will get done. That would have completely overwhelmed him before.

I'm rambling, but he seemed sane and mature and not flighty and not chasing me like a fool when I met him. He was a virgin in his mid-20's and I thought that was a welcome change. He was steady. He wouldn't have cheated on me. It would have taken too much socializing. Without kids I think we would have made it because he could have used all of his emotional energy on me. In the end I couldn't take it any more. I will say that we're still reasonably good friends, probably because any romance ended years ago and the parts of our relationship where we're friends can still linger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Hi, 1st time here. Ive been married over 30 years. My niece who with autism children was the one who told me my husband, her uncle has aspergers and hes on the spectrum. No i didnt know. I thought he was a narcissit, a gas lighter, control freak, etc... for years. I thought he wpuld change, grow up, mature and trear me like i treated him. I waitwd years for that change. Praying, guiding him. Everything always turned into a fight, with his rage. I did all the work at home with 3 boys and my husband and i worked full time and more. Will i ever be loved the way i deserve, no. Am I happy with him, NO. Do i love him, yes. But he is not the victim, he is happy as long as everything goes his way. I am the victim. And because he is on the spectrum, it is not a free pass to be an ass, lazy, rude, mean, with me, or our kids. He is a good provider, but thats not all required in a healthy marriage. The fact that i have to constantly teach him the same thing over and over again and again for years is frustrating to say the least, because he loves to argue about everything, he is a know it all, and has millions of excuses when i ask him why he did this or that. So along with all that we are sexless. Please if your son is not able to make a woman happy, do not allow him to marry. His wife will eventually resent him and possibly hate him. The depression, anxiety, panic attacks and bad health is all true for me from this marriage.

[Anonymous]

How do you stay married toma.wofe.that self diagnosed herself with a OCD but absolutely refuses to see a therapist?