Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Also in answer to you question, I dated him for 2.5 years. My parents dated for 3 months. It seemed like enough time.[/quote]

PP are you me? My ExDH was really a pretty great partner until the first kid came along. We were together for 3 years before we got married and 8 years altogether before we had our first kid. He just couldn't handle it. Since I had a lot of experience babysitting and teaching, he deferred to me even more. After the 2nd, he just stopped even trying to really be of assistance. He would do little things that I would do without even thinking about it and then announce that he had done it and expect to be praised. Both kids are SN and I dealt with all of that in addition to working and arranging my hours and work and so that I had as little childcare as possible because we couldn't afford it.  ExDH is a typical Aspie -- multiple languages, advanced degrees. But he's underemployed so does something useful but makes FAR less than he should. He could do a fairly easy side gig and make 20% again his income in a few hours/week but he refuses because he "doesn't have time." That's because he's addicted to an online video game and also a hobby that is his obsession.

Most of this developed slowly over time with the exception of the huge change when the kids were born. He didn't particularly drink or play video games when I met him, for ex.

Our kids are in college so there's less to do now, but I have to say that my leaving him seems to have been the wakeup he seemed to need. With part time parenting (and even more part time emotional/executive functioning parenting), he can handle some of it. He can take the hour here and there and whole weekends or weeks off. So he's back to be more functional in some ways and I can actually assign him some specific executive tasks and be reasonably sure that will get done. That would have completely overwhelmed him before.

I'm rambling, but he seemed sane and mature and not flighty and not chasing me like a fool when I met him. He was a virgin in his mid-20's and I thought that was a welcome change. He was steady. He wouldn't have cheated on me. It would have taken too much socializing. Without kids I think we would have made it because he could have used all of his emotional energy on me. In the end I couldn't take it any more. I will say that we're still reasonably good friends, probably because any romance ended years ago and the parts of our relationship where we're friends can still linger.[/quote]

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