How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of comments on this thread from people without any academic or even informed knowledge about these topics.

[Anonymous]

op - many many many many (many more than know it) have 'elements' of asd. It's not a hard and fast 'line' that someone is suddenly a full blown 'autist' oftentimes. Many humans have to work on cognitive flexibility, perspective taking and executive function. Truly if you think about it; those are the tenets of much of couples therapy. So I would sort of take the autism out of it (it's so so so common now). what specific challenges are you experiencing? the fact that he is not defensive or overly emotional is huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

Agree. It’s insulting.
The short-term energy and “show” outsiders get and then the kids and I get the neglectful, silent or raging shell of a spouse /parent inside the home. Or car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

So true! That belligerant poster is an excellent sample of the ASD feigning victimhood and blaming others. Again and again. Until they get everyone to shut up, give up on them, and let them be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Hi, 1st time here. Ive been married over 30 years. My niece who with autism children was the one who told me my husband, her uncle has aspergers and hes on the spectrum. No i didnt know. I thought he was a narcissit, a gas lighter, control freak, etc... for years.

I thought he wpuld change, grow up, mature and trear me like i treated him. I waitwd years for that change. Praying, guiding him. Everything always turned into a fight, with his rage. I did all the work at home with 3 boys and my husband and i worked full time and more.

Will i ever be loved the way i deserve, no. Am I happy with him, NO. Do i love him, yes. But he is not the victim, he is happy as long as everything goes his way. I am the victim. And because he is on the spectrum, it is not a free pass to be an ass, lazy, rude, mean, with me, or our kids.

He is a good provider, but thats not all required in a healthy marriage. The fact that i have to constantly teach him the same thing over and over again and again for years is frustrating to say the least, because he loves to argue about everything, he is a know it all, and has millions of excuses when i ask him why he did this or that. So along with all that we are sexless.

Please if your son is not able to make a woman happy, do not allow him to marry. His wife will eventually resent him and possibly hate him. The depression, anxiety, panic attacks and bad health is all true for me from this marriage.

True.

Not parent material.

Not really marriage material either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - many many many many (many more than know it) have 'elements' of asd. It's not a hard and fast 'line' that someone is suddenly a full blown 'autist' oftentimes. Many humans have to work on cognitive flexibility, perspective taking and executive function. Truly if you think about it; those are the tenets of much of couples therapy. So I would sort of take the autism out of it (it's so so so common now). what specific challenges are you experiencing? the fact that he is not defensive or overly emotional is huge.

Wrong.

Talk Theory and couples therapy does not work with nor for someone on the spectrum.

They need their neuropysch diagnoses and then targeted therapy with a psychologist who specializes in high functioning autism adults and their NT/AS “relationships.”

DBT is often prescribed and an excellent one year program for HFA individuals to learn better life habits and communication habits. It gets past the masking. Again, with the Dx and telling them ahead of time the patient is ASD, in need of special communications, steps and accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - many many many many (many more than know it) have 'elements' of asd. It's not a hard and fast 'line' that someone is suddenly a full blown 'autist' oftentimes. Many humans have to work on cognitive flexibility, perspective taking and executive function. Truly if you think about it; those are the tenets of much of couples therapy. So I would sort of take the autism out of it (it's so so so common now). what specific challenges are you experiencing? the fact that he is not defensive or overly emotional is huge.

It’s not common, but it’s highly genetic. Can often see the parent(s), siblings, uncles and cousins with it too. And the divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

You are under Ongoing trauma.

So you Accept that they won’t change, you Be yourself, you Change some systems around so you rely on others not them, and you Detach for normal expectations of them.

Then you get stronger and decide when to leave or continue to let them tag along, as long as they are not abusive or too taxing.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/cassandra-syndrome-causes-anger-frustration-in-autism-relationships/

The Cassandra syndrome theory helped me put my experiences in perspective … I’m now divorced, but in my marriage felt so lost and stuck and suffocated. Deprived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/cassandra-syndrome-causes-anger-frustration-in-autism-relationships/

The Cassandra syndrome theory helped me put my experiences in perspective … I’m now divorced, but in my marriage felt so lost and stuck and suffocated. Deprived.

Good post.

But once you see the pattern of their masking it’s quite obvious and consistent. The same questions to others, the same re-routing of topics back to work or special interest, the same lack of back & forth conversations, and the total omittance of personal topics beyond cliches or jokes.

It works for fooling others once a month. But doesn’t work on a vacation with them. They’ll try to hide behind working when they tire or get overwhelmed and go disappear. You’d just think they’re working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of comments on this thread from people without any academic or even informed knowledge about these topics.

OP did not came here for academic article. She came here for people's own experiences.

[Anonymous]

Many people with loved ones on the spectrum are informed. They have read the 20+ page neuropsych results, did the hour post-consult on recommendations read up on Atwood/ Marshack/ Cohen, have talked to doctors, psychologists, and therapists, and had therapy of their own to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

Agree. It’s insulting.
The short-term energy and “show” outsiders get and then the kids and I get the neglectful, silent or raging shell of a spouse /parent inside the home. Or car.

So many late-night tears in the shower after my DH plays Great Dad in public and then becomes a rigid, tantruming jerk once we're inside the house. I tried to reach out to friends for support once and never again- they couldn't believe he wasn't the person he plays in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/cassandra-syndrome-causes-anger-frustration-in-autism-relationships/

The Cassandra syndrome theory helped me put my experiences in perspective … I’m now divorced, but in my marriage felt so lost and stuck and suffocated. Deprived.

Good post.

But once you see the pattern of their masking it’s quite obvious and consistent. The same questions to others, the same re-routing of topics back to work or special interest, the same lack of back & forth conversations, and the total omittance of personal topics beyond cliches or jokes.

It works for fooling others once a month. But doesn’t work on a vacation with them. They’ll try to hide behind working when they tire or get overwhelmed and go disappear. You’d just think they’re working.

So many of my friends and family admire DH for "working so hard even on vacation." No, he's hiding while basking in unearned compliments and letting me do the hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op - many many many many (many more than know it) have 'elements' of asd. It's not a hard and fast 'line' that someone is suddenly a full blown 'autist' oftentimes. Many humans have to work on cognitive flexibility, perspective taking and executive function. Truly if you think about it; those are the tenets of much of couples therapy. So I would sort of take the autism out of it (it's so so so common now). what specific challenges are you experiencing? the fact that he is not defensive or overly emotional is huge.

Wrong.

Talk Theory and couples therapy does not work with nor for someone on the spectrum.

They need their neuropysch diagnoses and then targeted therapy with a psychologist who specializes in high functioning autism adults and their NT/AS “relationships.”

DBT is often prescribed and an excellent one year program for HFA individuals to learn better life habits and communication habits. It gets past the masking. Again, with the Dx and telling them ahead of time the patient is ASD, in need of special communications, steps and accountability.

Talk therapy was disastrous for my DH after his HFA diagnosis. I begged him to do DBT based on reasons like those described here but he insisted on therapy with some random person his primary care doctor recommended. She had no experience with adult HFA diagnoses and somehow led him to a place where he believed that the multi-day neuropsych testing and diagnosis he had received from a premier practice was not real and that I had forced it on him.

I found out later about the acronym DARVO and DH definitely deployed it during his therapy sessions in an extremely effective manner. Therapy can be pretty disastrous if someone isn't trained in helping intelligent HFA patients with decades of maladaptive coping mechanisms under their belt.