How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

Agreed. I think this happens a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

This is really offensive to people with ASD. They are human beings with social communication deficits, but they are just as human as you are.

True...but maybe some people are incapable of having a deep, connected relationship with others on the level that someone might want. I for one would not want to have a partner/husband/spouse like this if I had to do all kinds of extra work just to function on a basic level, and if we couldn't have a connected bond that was reciprocal. Regardless of what the "diagnosis" is. There are lots of conditions, both physical, chemical, emotional, that make a relationship difficult or impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Dbt is supposed to help, it’s a 6-12 month process 2x a week sessions X

Mine just wouldn’t put in the effort. Excuses and all talk, no action or effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.

This is not possible in a marriage. What you describe is a roommate situation. That's not what I want. I'm trying to save my marriage if it's possible.

Ok, well detaching will save your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

This plus they cannot adapt or grow - so layer in a house, kids, wife, 4-5 person schedules and he goes into seclusion pretending it’s solo bachelor days. Yet it so is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was married to a man like this and divorced when he became unsafe but otherwise would have just kept it going for the money and stability at least till the kids graduated college. I learned that he's just not capable of more and basically had to act like I was a single parent. You read about people who have spouses who just sit in front of a TV or something. You have to be ok with that and just a friendly hello and the money it brings. They do everything based on how they feel and what they think. Your thoughts and emotions do not matter. They can't see them or feel them. Maybe enjoy the help you get when he wants to help out. Submissive spouse type of thing but don't expect more by pulling back. I wish we could have stayed married longer for the money and help with errands. Not much else.

This.

They are only motivated if it serves their needs. Food, timing, decompression, sleep, facade at work, please someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s actually not true that people on the autism spectrum cannot emotionally connect with other people. In my family there are people on the spectrum, some extremely so, and in my experience they can have quite intense emotions, and a lot of empathy, but they simply don’t express it in the ways that we are familiar with. So for example if a person doesn’t ask anything about your life, you might interpret that as them not caring about you. But they may feel that if you want to tell them something you simply will do so and do not understand the importance of asking or the extra emotional message that asking sends. If you’ve been married for 25 years, I have to suspect that your spouse feels a strong attachment to you and probably would feel greatly distressed to think that you were feeling emotionally neglected. You might have to give a very specific feedback about things that you want done that are meaningful to you that would not necessarily occur to the other person. And in this way it’s very similar to every marriage. Or at least every marriage I’ve ever heard from, we’re both parties have to work to understand each other and to figure out each other’s needs and how to meet them given their limited capacities in various ways.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

Agreed. I think this happens a lot.

This is OP
This is an interesting point.
Yes, I come from a very emotional family, and my DH's calmness was initially very appealing.
But as time went on, particularly after our second child, he had a harder time holding himself together at home. That's when he started disappearing inside work and himself, moving further away and becoming emotionally unavailable.
We have an ASD child, which he could not handle at all. I have done almost 100% of family and child stuff since our first child was born.
I'd thought he was selfish, or it had to do with his narcissist mother, but recently we both learned that he is on the spectrum. It was an eye-opener for both of us.
But it has changed nothing. He's still emotionally unavailable and married to his work.
That's why I asked if anyone out there has made this type of marriage work. He is willing, and he does understand that I may leave of we can't learn to communicate better.
Is that possible? We don't fight any more. I treat him like a teenager, spelling everything out to him. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I love him, and it would kill me to get divorced, but I die a little every day from loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

This plus they cannot adapt or grow - so layer in a house, kids, wife, 4-5 person schedules and he goes into seclusion pretending it’s solo bachelor days. Yet it so is not.

This is incorrect. They can adapt and grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

Agreed. I think this happens a lot.

This is OP
This is an interesting point.
Yes, I come from a very emotional family, and my DH's calmness was initially very appealing.
But as time went on, particularly after our second child, he had a harder time holding himself together at home. That's when he started disappearing inside work and himself, moving further away and becoming emotionally unavailable.
We have an ASD child, which he could not handle at all. I have done almost 100% of family and child stuff since our first child was born.
I'd thought he was selfish, or it had to do with his narcissist mother, but recently we both learned that he is on the spectrum. It was an eye-opener for both of us.
But it has changed nothing. He's still emotionally unavailable and married to his work.
That's why I asked if anyone out there has made this type of marriage work. He is willing, and he does understand that I may leave of we can't learn to communicate better.
Is that possible? We don't fight any more. I treat him like a teenager, spelling everything out to him. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I love him, and it would kill me to get divorced, but I die a little every day from loneliness.

No, that is the life, but it can be pleasant. You just have to change your expectations. And your life will get easier in time too. It seems like he's willing to work with you so why not try it? Can you move to a more cost-effective area? I feel like this area is the worst with so many type A people around. I think he will be a calming presence for your child.

[Anonymous]

You have to learn to love him for who he and what he does is and reliquish control. Even if that relationship is not what you expected or need. Otherwise, it likely will go downhill whether you want it to or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

This plus they cannot adapt or grow - so layer in a house, kids, wife, 4-5 person schedules and he goes into seclusion pretending it’s solo bachelor days. Yet it so is not.

This is incorrect. They can adapt and grow.

You mean because some other adult is there to tell them what to do, when, and how? That’s what you’re calling growing? Being told a (new) task or formula and how to do it each and every time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

This plus they cannot adapt or grow - so layer in a house, kids, wife, 4-5 person schedules and he goes into seclusion pretending it’s solo bachelor days. Yet it so is not.

This is incorrect. They can adapt and grow.

No. This sounds more like how they shutdown once overwhelmed. Emotional topics cause shutdown and responsibilities cause shutdown. Shutdowns are the opposite of adapting and growing into situation or need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

Agreed. I think this happens a lot.

This is OP
This is an interesting point.
Yes, I come from a very emotional family, and my DH's calmness was initially very appealing.
But as time went on, particularly after our second child, he had a harder time holding himself together at home. That's when he started disappearing inside work and himself, moving further away and becoming emotionally unavailable.
We have an ASD child, which he could not handle at all. I have done almost 100% of family and child stuff since our first child was born.
I'd thought he was selfish, or it had to do with his narcissist mother, but recently we both learned that he is on the spectrum. It was an eye-opener for both of us.
But it has changed nothing. He's still emotionally unavailable and married to his work.
That's why I asked if anyone out there has made this type of marriage work. He is willing, and he does understand that I may leave of we can't learn to communicate better.
Is that possible? We don't fight any more. I treat him like a teenager, spelling everything out to him. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I love him, and it would kill me to get divorced, but I die a little every day from loneliness.

No, that is the life, but it can be pleasant. You just have to change your expectations. And your life will get easier in time too. It seems like he's willing to work with you so why not try it? Can you move to a more cost-effective area? I feel like this area is the worst with so many type A people around. I think he will be a calming presence for your child.

Moving house with kids solo, that sounds fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

Agreed. I think this happens a lot.

This is OP
This is an interesting point.
Yes, I come from a very emotional family, and my DH's calmness was initially very appealing.
But as time went on, particularly after our second child, he had a harder time holding himself together at home. That's when he started disappearing inside work and himself, moving further away and becoming emotionally unavailable.
We have an ASD child, which he could not handle at all. I have done almost 100% of family and child stuff since our first child was born.
I'd thought he was selfish, or it had to do with his narcissist mother, but recently we both learned that he is on the spectrum. It was an eye-opener for both of us.
But it has changed nothing. He's still emotionally unavailable and married to his work.
That's why I asked if anyone out there has made this type of marriage work. He is willing, and he does understand that I may leave of we can't learn to communicate better.
Is that possible? We don't fight any more. I treat him like a teenager, spelling everything out to him. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I love him, and it would kill me to get divorced, but I die a little every day from loneliness.

No, that is the life, but it can be pleasant. You just have to change your expectations. And your life will get easier in time too. It seems like he's willing to work with you so why not try it? Can you move to a more cost-effective area? I feel like this area is the worst with so many type A people around. I think he will be a calming presence for your child.

Moving house with kids solo, that sounds fun.

Well maybe if money and time isn't an issue this isn't necessary, but it's the overwhelm that causes the shutdown so however to mitigate for that.