How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I want to add that knowing he has a disorder has helped me significantly. The first 15 years of marriage I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on with him. Knowing now that he has very black and white thinking, and that communication is extremely difficult for him allows me to give him grace.

Also, I read every page of this thread and it has been immensely helpful to me just knowing I’m not alone in this struggle.

+1

SO grateful for this and other aspie spouse threads. You are not alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

To add, even and especially with therapists. Their "charming" trait worked for years, for us.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

+1

The part that gets me is the masking, and the "putting on a show" for outsiders. That just saddens and angers me, because outsiders don't see what I (and other NT spouses) have to deal with, behind closed doors. It is exhausting.

To add, even and especially with therapists. Their "charming" trait worked for years, for us.....

oh yes, I see we have arrived back to the charming, manipulative, socially successful variety of autism where they deceive you and become evily autistic in private

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

Yes that’s right - autism is an insult, and everyone who disagrees with you has autism. Thanks for making that clear!

[Anonymous]

These guys DO have neuropsych diagnoses of ASD.

Guess what the first question is from the subsequent psychologist?
“how did you get someone like that to agree to take a 6 hr neuropsych test?

Answer: “They thought they were perfect so we’re happy to take a test to prove it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this thread is long but that's basically my husband too. I think you've got to be a tiny bit aspie to have found him in in the first place. And I think marriage is a lot about kindness and tolerance. Just keep moving forward.

Yes but with the AS/NT relationship the AS is not giving. They don’t know what to do when, and get unkind when asked or told or questioned or taught.
If the AS is kind, the marriage may last. If the AS is unkind, on top of other chronic symptoms, the relationship will cease.

The Nt is the only one doing nay tolerating and accommodating and twisting into a pretzel and walking on eggshells.

I can’t believe Jeff is still letting this discriminatory nonsense continued to be posted.

If you have an “ASD Husband” and hate him so much GET DIVORCED. Stop acting helpless and looking for other people and diagnoses to blame.

People need help. Let them ask. You do not have to read this or any thread. If you have nothing constructive to add, you can move on.

Nah, I will be here on every “ASD Husband” thread until the stupid Internet trend of armchair diagnosing your estranged husband with autism is over.

I have no problem with thoughtful posts about actually autistic people. I have a huge problem with people like PP attributing every bad behavior under the sun to autism and claiming that everyone with autism is the same, evil person.

#ExampleOfAutism
#fixation
#Black&WhiteThinking
#OppositionalDisorder
#MaladaptiveCoping

Yes that’s right - autism is an insult, and everyone who disagrees with you has autism. Thanks for making that clear!

Lol.

This is getting hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These guys DO have neuropsych diagnoses of ASD.

Guess what the first question is from the subsequent psychologist?
“how did you get someone like that to agree to take a 6 hr neuropsych test?

Answer: “They thought they were perfect so we’re happy to take a test to prove it.”

+1

Ignore other PP who does not want to be outed - their problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Good old DARVO, see it coming from a mile away with that one. So consistent and predictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good old DARVO, see it coming from a mile away with that one. So consistent and predictable.

Hmm yeah internet relationship advice board acronyms. Surely a consistent sign of reasonable takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These guys DO have neuropsych diagnoses of ASD.

Guess what the first question is from the subsequent psychologist?
“how did you get someone like that to agree to take a 6 hr neuropsych test?

Answer: “They thought they were perfect so we’re happy to take a test to prove it.”

+1

Ignore other PP who does not want to be outed - their problem, not yours.

Outed? Seriously? You have issues. If I did have autism I’d have zero problems saying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These guys DO have neuropsych diagnoses of ASD.

Guess what the first question is from the subsequent psychologist?
“how did you get someone like that to agree to take a 6 hr neuropsych test?

Answer: “They thought they were perfect so we’re happy to take a test to prove it.”

Obviously people with autism exist. That’s not the point. They point is the hysteria about what autism is and is not.

[Anonymous]

NP. Why does the one poster who gets so triggered by these threads keep coming back to get angry and yell at the other commenters? Suggestion: Avoiding these threads may help you feel better. You are not changing anything by yelling at anonymous commenters on one tiny thread on the internet. Everyone else on the thread is commenting because that makes them feel better. If this thread makes you feel worse for whatever reason, step away.