How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

[Anonymous]

I'd like to know, too. Lots of miscommunication problems tone, inflexibility, and lack of emotional connectedness/curiosity about me.

[Anonymous]

how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

[Anonymous]

Same situation here, with kids and I work. We all ignore him and live our best life. I rebuilt our whole social life and schedule before and again after Covid. And I can keep doing it.

He doesn’t notice, care or engage. He prefers to be left alone to work or watch netflix. I can get him to drive kids or carpool around to stuff a couple times a week. He doesn’t even watch the game or talk to other parents.

He doesn’t like to interact with people. He’ll do it to save face at a BBQ or school thing - it used to be alarming for the kids to see their dad talking to everyone but themselves for an hour or two. Now it isn’t, they know he’s out of it or “always tired” if at home.

[Anonymous]

Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.

[Anonymous]

With difficulty sometimes.

The day to day is manageable, which is why we're still married, but there is no telling what rigid thought process he's going to lock himself into in times of stress when he's out of his routine and desperately trying to create a framework for himself. And then all bets are off, because this usually high IQ and supremely rational person is capable of sabotaging himself and the wellbeing of his entire family just because events move beyond his control and he blames us for this.

[Anonymous]

Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.

This is not possible in a marriage. What you describe is a roommate situation. That's not what I want. I'm trying to save my marriage if it's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With difficulty sometimes.

The day to day is manageable, which is why we're still married, but there is no telling what rigid thought process he's going to lock himself into in times of stress when he's out of his routine and desperately trying to create a framework for himself. And then all bets are off, because this usually high IQ and supremely rational person is capable of sabotaging himself and the wellbeing of his entire family just because events move beyond his control and he blames us for this.

Does he accept that he has HFA?
Have you tried books/support groups/coaching?
I'm looking for success or partial success stories!
I know all about the failures.

[Anonymous]

You can’t change who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With difficulty sometimes.

The day to day is manageable, which is why we're still married, but there is no telling what rigid thought process he's going to lock himself into in times of stress when he's out of his routine and desperately trying to create a framework for himself. And then all bets are off, because this usually high IQ and supremely rational person is capable of sabotaging himself and the wellbeing of his entire family just because events move beyond his control and he blames us for this.

Does he accept that he has HFA?
Have you tried books/support groups/coaching?
I'm looking for success or partial success stories!
I know all about the failures.

He's a doctor. If asked, he'd say no. But I've explained it often enough, being a research scientist in the biomedical sciences, that I think deep down he knows, he just won't admit it.
He agreed to be diagnosed for his ADHD, but refused the stimulants as well as the eval for HFA. He has OCD and hoards, but again, it's extremely difficult to get him to address these issues, because he's intelligent and comes up with all sorts of reasons why he can't sort his stuff, he's too busy, he doesn't want anyone coming into the house to help, etc...

So we manage to live with the hoarding, even though since the pandemic it's gotten worse. We manage to live with his forgetfulness and habitual tardiness, which are his ADHD symptoms. We've gotten used to his Aspie need for everything to be spelled out: he cannot estimate from our faces or non-verbal cues how we feel. He'll just think we're not up for talking and won't investigate further. I have impressed on the kids that THEY MUST VERBALIZE any issue they have, if they are looking for help from their father. He can help once he understands we need help - but the message needs to be spoonfed to him in words of one syllable!

He refused therapy for years, and when he did agree, because I threatened divorce, I realize the therapist was completely useless. All she wanted to talk about was his relationship with his parents, and she could not or would not address that it was his multiple disorders that were the root cause of our relationship problems. We didn't pursue therapy with anyone else, because I realized this would likely occur with other therapists, and that my husband wouldn't make any effort to address his hoarding, or take his ADHD stimulants, or work to better identify cues and emotions anyway!

Self-help books DID help me in the early years of my marriage, when we were fighting and I had no clue how to interact with him at those times. I learned how to communicate with respect, not to generalize, how to stay calm in an argument, how to present my point of view clearly and factually instead of emotionally... many of the things he cannot do! When I think that I'm the one who makes all the communication effort in our couple, I get extremely resentful, but I try to let that go, because it doesn't help our reality: that one of us has to be the adult in the room.

I want to stay married. We have very good days. When pushed to talk, he is never boring, and always has interesting ideas on current affairs and scientific developments. Luckily the bad days are rare, because they can get very bad indeed.

Our son has ADHD and Asperger's as well, but he's a sweet and gentle soul without any of his father's "I know best" personality. He still gets on our every last nerve due to his very poor executive functioning and lack of social skills. I have spent years working with him, he's had therapy and he spent years in a special program at school, so hopefully it will all help to not make him into his father. And my son does take his ADHD meds, which is helpful! I am thankful that my daughter has not inherited any of these disorders. She has her father's know-it-all personality and high IQ, but without the ADHD and HFA, it's a lot easier to take

So... I don't know, OP and PPs. We muddle through.

[Anonymous]

You have to tell him explicitly what you want. You can’t expect him to get it intuitively. If you want a hug and kiss when he gets home tell him. If you like surprise bouquets, tell him. If you want x from birthday - tell him- hints don’t work. If you want to go out for a meal - tell him. If you want him to rub your feet, tell him.

I find we connect on daily walks, we play cards at night or Yahtzee, . Reading the same article or book also helps foster discussion.

[Anonymous]

This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

[Anonymous]

If you’ve been doing it for 25 years already, you know a lot how to make it work. How are you filling those needs before?