I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes.

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Anonymous wrote:For HSV having a positive antibody test means you have the antibodies for the virus in your blood. Which means you have it. It means the virus is in your blood. Could be dormant, you could have zero outbreaks, one outbreak or outbreaks all the time. It means you have the virus and can spread it to others. If you test positive for the antibody test you will always test positive for it-because it’s permanent. It’s totally fine if some of you are comfortable with that but it doesn’t change the fact that the person has it. Maybe they will never have an outbreak and will never spread it but honestly there is no way to know that. Someone can have it dormant for years and then have an outbreak.

But that’s not true

Thank you for explaining this. 20 years ago, I tested positive for antibody when I was in HS and I was so confused because I was still a virgin.

I’ve never had a cold sore in my life. When i tested for the hsv again in college (this time i was sexual), I didn’t have the antibody

Most people get HSV-1 during childhood so it wouldn’t be weird at all for you to test positive for it in high school. People get it from being kissed by parents/family members. That being said false negatives/false positives were definitely a thing with the tests 20 years ago so it also was probably just a false positive.

Also they for sure test pregnant women for HSV-2 but only if you tell them you have it/Have possibly been exposed. They asked me about it in all 3 of my pregnancies.

They clearly don’t. If you’re not showing any signs of an outbreak. You can request but they don’t “for sure test”.

Because the OP said her doctor didn’t? Obviously her doctor isn’t a good one. They absolutely test you if you tell them you have it or might have it. Doctors want to protect the babies.

But yeah-who cares. It’s just herpes. It can actually kill babies but no really it’s fine. Some of you are really insane.

Also some of you need to look up what the word permanent means. Because you seem confused.

The last two pages are full of replies from multiple people stating how it’s not standard to test if you’re not showing signs of symptoms. It’s not a reliable test if you’re not showing symptoms because many people will test positive for antibodies - it’s not a reliable test for infection, exposure timeline, etc., only that you’ve simply been exposed, which most of the population has. We’re simply repeating the typical protocol from doctors and health organizations.

Why are you acting like testing positive for the antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes? That’s literally what it means. Positive antibodies = you have herpes and must inform all partner you have.

Which OP now has to do. She was exposed the same way he was, and he didn't even know he was infected.

She has to do that once it’s confirmed that she has antibodies or herpes. We aren’t sure if she was “exposed” because we aren’t sure if he was shedding or had an outbreak or a viral load in his semen when he had sex with her and also she has described that she hasn’t come in contact with his semen for a while here. Although somehow she is pregnant 20 weeks ago so go figure.

Anyway, I was reading about the documented cases of HIV when it spread in the porn industry from Brazil. All of the people who had unprotected sex with the HIV positive actor did not catch HIV. Nor did they test positive for HIV antibodies. They simply did not catch it. Infected people do not shed virus at a constant or continuous rate, sometimes their semen doesn’t have HIV in it, sometimes it does. You can never tell. So some of them had sex with an HIV positive person but were not exposed to the virus.

See, now you’re just making stuff up. When did I ever say or even allude to anyone’s semen? All you need to do is coming into contact with someone’s skin to get herpes, not their semen. Quite literally said on page 1 how we had sex Saturday and how he couldn’t stay erect.

I’m not “making stuff up” you can get herpes from contact with legions. You can also get it from saliva and semen. If you would’ve known all that….

she has described that she hasn’t come in contact with his semen for a while here

This is what you made up.

no I didn’t. Op said he hasn’t been able to keep an erection. Idk what flaccid drippy penises yall ugly chicks have to deal with but penises stay erect around me. far as I know that’s the only way they ejaculate

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

Op here,

He tested positive in 2022 and again in January 2025. He claims he didn’t know until this past November, a few months ago. He said me being pregnant prompted him to go back and look at his medical records. At best he’s known for 4 months. At worst 4 years.

Not trying to debate our relationship, just giving you the time timeline.

It's been 4 months and the reason he went back to check was the pregnancy, yes. Here's what we have all learned here- what HSV is and isn't, and he learned it, too. The whole thing was pretty vague, he hadn't and still hadn't presented with anything, and that's what the confusion was. He did his homework, as did a LOT of people did, and freaked out because a child was involved and knew he had to say something before the birth. He did and he was working on that for a woman he loves and a baby he loves. It's a big deal, and how to go about it.

Now- let's discuss you. Why didn't you test and ask him test before intimacy? I mean, it should be assumed in this day and age that this is all really likely. Or, we could ask you why you didn't get you both tested before getting pregnant? Of note- that is what we would expect of most people. It will be pretty hard to find someone now without any STDs. You both have a failing here, and I'm not trying to be critical of you, I understand you are scared and feel betrayed. I'm trying to explain that you both made big mistakes and you both owe each other and your kid some grace * I'm not religious really, but this word suits the predicament.

You both are in this together, and you may decide appropriately or not to end this, but there probably should be more reasons for doing so, not just this. Maybe there are more reasons but don't backmap them now for this. They have to exist on their own. And, if there are reasons, then that is a different story. But, you were happy before this, presumably, and trying to be intimate, so that tells me you love him.

1. He did tell you when he understood the whole picture. He had never presented with symptoms and this is the most COMMON MISCONCEPTION about HSV or HPV. Most people don't understand how many STDs work. You can test positive and never present. You can test negative now and test positive later.
2. He is now concerned about the baby, and that speaks volumes. He had to become extremely vulnerable and admit wrongdoing, admit stupidity, admit failure. Also speaks volumes.
3. You are now exposed, and you should be tested. You also may have been exposed before this and never tested. Doctor is wrong. Your baby will ok, regardless. This happens every day.
4. You can be mad, yes, but give yourself space, time and counseling before making a slam shut decision.
5. If you leave, you will still be in the same situation as he was is. You probably have it, too. Now what?

6. Regardless, he will still be that baby’s father. That is going to be all your lives. You can be married or you can co parent. Good luck dropping off your infant,toddler, teenager to a man you say you cannot trust.

Now- millions of people have HSV 1 and or 2. They are in happy relationships, have children, it's all ok. It's a virus, not a moral failing. He got it the way you were exposed. That's how it works and it is very, very prevalent. Your life isn't over.

This is an amazing post. I don’t 100% agree with all of it but this is the real thing. are you a therapist or just very wise?

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you. You are getting both extremes on here.

No one should lie about their STI status.

But herpes tests ARE confusing.

I went through this with my husband when we were first dating - disclosing what we had been tested for and when and then got updated tests. This came up. He thought he didn’t have it but when I looked at the paper it was within the range identified as present. His doctor also states something about blood tests not being conclusive and registering antibodies. Albeit this was 20 years ago.

In the end I talked to my own doctor and got comfortable with it. My husband has never had an outbreak. I’ve never had an outbreak or tested positive. And lord knows I’ve lived through enough stress to bring out something latent! I honestly don’t even think I remembered it during my 2 pregnancies but presumably they tested for it??? Maybe I mentioned it to my OB and it wasn’t a concern.

All to say - there is a spectrum here of people who have “positive tests” but never seem to actually have outbreaks/spread the disease, and people whose lives are very very impacted by it.

The reality is: unless you are speaking with every partner and putting eyes on their current test results yourself, you’ve probably slept with someone who has this same status. They probably wouldn’t even know it unless they tested for it, which most people do not do as a matter of routine. Going in for testing bc of an active outbreak is a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel for you. You are getting both extremes on here.

No one should lie about their STI status.

But herpes tests ARE confusing.

I went through this with my husband when we were first dating - disclosing what we had been tested for and when and then got updated tests. This came up. He thought he didn’t have it but when I looked at the paper it was within the range identified as present. His doctor also states something about blood tests not being conclusive and registering antibodies. Albeit this was 20 years ago.

In the end I talked to my own doctor and got comfortable with it. My husband has never had an outbreak. I’ve never had an outbreak or tested positive. And lord knows I’ve lived through enough stress to bring out something latent! I honestly don’t even think I remembered it during my 2 pregnancies but presumably they tested for it??? Maybe I mentioned it to my OB and it wasn’t a concern.

All to say - there is a spectrum here of people who have “positive tests” but never seem to actually have outbreaks/spread the disease, and people whose lives are very very impacted by it.

The reality is: unless you are speaking with every partner and putting eyes on their current test results yourself, you’ve probably slept with someone who has this same status. They probably wouldn’t even know it unless they tested for it, which most people do not do as a matter of routine. Going in for testing bc of an active outbreak is a different situation.

In the last 5 years I have been tested 3x. I paid out of pocket for a full panel that included both HSV types. My results were very clearly negative and I required the same testing for the 3 partners I had in that span of time before I would sleep with them. 2 had negative on both and one had positive for HSV-1. Which I didn’t care as much about-He did say he had gotten a cold sore a couple of times. He never had anything while we were together and I waited 6 months after that relationship ended and was tested again, negative.

I guess maybe I don’t understand what’s confusing about the tests when mine and the others I saw all clearly showed negative or positive. There was no confusion.

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Anonymous wrote:Go into counseling OP, you are too emotional right now to think clearly and to make decisions. I wouldn't make a recommendation with regard to splitting up your new family without a lot of time and education first. You are just mad and that isn't a reason to leave this now. There’s a hundred reasons why this happened and it's not really about deception, the way you are making it sound like. There's a lot missing here, and you need to do the work for your baby now. Good luck, dear.

1) being mad about your man lying to you and infecting you with a lifelong disease is 100% enough reason to leave.
2) it's deception at BEST

Sorry, he didn't lie. He didn't understand his results at first. He never presented. He did understand later and told her, albiet late, but they already had sex, already became pregnant, so what would have changed. I mean he's clearly upset about it, this isn't something intentional. He was just naive. So was she, so come on.

Do you know what a lie is? He has two positive tests and didn't tell her, and you want to say he wasn't lying? Of course he lied. Sure he did tell her, eventually. But he knew. For 4 years. And then again in jan 2025. And then he had unprotected sex with her (sexual assault). And then he got her pregnant. And then he proposed. And then he told her. I can't think of any way he could be a bigger fucking liar.

Thank you. I’m not sure why someone is telling me that he didn’t lie. His apologetic text messages prove otherwise…

And are you a completely perfect person who has never lied? As far as I can tell the only “lying” was the (short) period where he knew he had the test result and didn’t tell you. Taking a while to discuss something difficult (especially because he probably knew you were going to blow it out of proportion) doesn’t exactly mean the person is a monster. I am sticking with my interpretation that this relationship had serious issues and was going to fall apart for one reason or another. There are good reasons to just pull the bandaid off and coparent 50-50 from the start but most women would make a lot of effort not to lose any custody of their baby. I don’t think you quite get the ramifications here.

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Anonymous wrote:Go into counseling OP, you are too emotional right now to think clearly and to make decisions. I wouldn't make a recommendation with regard to splitting up your new family without a lot of time and education first. You are just mad and that isn't a reason to leave this now. There’s a hundred reasons why this happened and it's not really about deception, the way you are making it sound like. There's a lot missing here, and you need to do the work for your baby now. Good luck, dear.

1) being mad about your man lying to you and infecting you with a lifelong disease is 100% enough reason to leave.
2) it's deception at BEST

Sorry, he didn't lie. He didn't understand his results at first. He never presented. He did understand later and told her, albiet late, but they already had sex, already became pregnant, so what would have changed. I mean he's clearly upset about it, this isn't something intentional. He was just naive. So was she, so come on.

Do you know what a lie is? He has two positive tests and didn't tell her, and you want to say he wasn't lying? Of course he lied. Sure he did tell her, eventually. But he knew. For 4 years. And then again in jan 2025. And then he had unprotected sex with her (sexual assault). And then he got her pregnant. And then he proposed. And then he told her. I can't think of any way he could be a bigger fucking liar.

Thank you. I’m not sure why someone is telling me that he didn’t lie. His apologetic text messages prove otherwise…

And are you a completely perfect person who has never lied? As far as I can tell the only “lying” was the (short) period where he knew he had the test result and didn’t tell you. Taking a while to discuss something difficult (especially because he probably knew you were going to blow it out of proportion) doesn’t exactly mean the person is a monster. I am sticking with my interpretation that this relationship had serious issues and was going to fall apart for one reason or another. There are good reasons to just pull the bandaid off and coparent 50-50 from the start but most women would make a lot of effort not to lose any custody of their baby. I don’t think you quite get the ramifications here.

He told her he has had it for years. Hence the test 4 years prior. But sure, not a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nonchalant attitude so many of you have towards a highly infectious permanent condition that requires some folks to take daily medication to manage is kind of insane.

I am truly confused how some of you seem to think this is just no big deal at all. If someone gave me genital herpes because they decided their previous (not 1 but 2) positive results were unimportant would be infuriating to me. There is no way I would stay with such a person. Like How frekan dare you.

Because it’s literally only a big deal because it is stigmatized like you are doing right now. It’s not HIV. It’s not hepatitis. It is an uncomfortable rash that has very good medications to treat. The biggest issue is the baby but there are also ways to protect the baby.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, Wouldn’t you feel better if you just got the blood test? The reason they don’t recommend testing without symptoms has nothing to do with the accuracy of the test-it’s because it sometimes causes depression/emotional reactions when people learn they are positive. Because technically Herpes isn’t actually harmful except in babies (which is a reason i’m surprised your doctor doesn’t want to test you), the benefits of testing don’t outweigh the risks. It’s very common for people to drop into deep depressions and have serious issues with relationships when they find out. Just get the blood test! I simply don’t understand this. You can even order them online and do them yourself in your own house and send them off.

Everyone please watch these two videos from a board certified family medical doctor. She does a really good job at explaining, and she has an entire herpes series.

Video 1
Why blood tests for herpes is NOT reliable and not recommended for testing herpes. You can even test positive if you’ve had chickenpox.

She goes into way more detail

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh44UtH8/

Video 2
A positive herpes test does NOT mean you have herpes.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh448vS1/

We all know the best most reputable doctors are making tiktoks.

Imagine being this desperate to convince yourself that your positive results are imaginary.

And the CDC and OB? They’re wrong too, right?

I don’t believe OP ever saw her OB about this. Based on her description of the visit it sounds completely made up.

Did you actually read what the CDC says about Herpes testing? Because although it says it doesn’t recommend testing for the general population, it states they recommend testing for those with a partner who has genital herpes. Which is exactly the OP’s scenario.

Did you read what the CDC said?? It’s amazing how you can spread misinformation that can easily be refuted. It says right on the CDC website:

“ CDC does not recommend herpes testing for people without symptoms in most situations.
This is because of the limits of a herpes blood test and the possibility of a wrong test result. The chances of wrong test results are higher for people who are at low risk of infection.”.

https://imgur.com/a/LNW7IKb

I have 0% symptoms. This aligns with what my doctor exactly said.

If you truly believe that the blood tests are worthless-why are you putting so much stake in your fiancé’s blood test results?

1. How do we know if he’s had a blood test with symptoms or if he was swabbed because of an active lesion/sore?

2. Doesn’t change the fact that he believes that he has it and decided not to disclose. This is the bigger issue, the lack of honesty.

Because OP said upthread that he told her he never had any symptoms-so what would they swab? I mean sure he could be lying of course. But i’m just saying since she is so against the blood test she needs to use the same logic for his in that case.

Op here, yes that’s what he’s saying. I’m not taking his word. Until my doctor sees his paperwork I’m not going to put stock into that. Even I do the blood test and comes back positive, and I still have no symptoms the medical care will still be the same as it is now. I won’t take anything and I’ll only take antivirals towards the end of my pregnancy, which my doctor already plans on doing just to be on the safe side even though it’s not necessary.

Him having herpes isn’t the issue. Him being dishonest is. If he truly found out months ago and came to me we would’ve figured something out because although not ideal, it’s manageable. That’s not what happened, so harping on if he did the blood test, if he had an outbreak, if he was swabbed, doesn’t exactly matter right now.

Yet again. You are deciding to believe the worst. why?

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Anonymous wrote:The nonchalant attitude so many of you have towards a highly infectious permanent condition that requires some folks to take daily medication to manage is kind of insane.

I am truly confused how some of you seem to think this is just no big deal at all. If someone gave me genital herpes because they decided their previous (not 1 but 2) positive results were unimportant would be infuriating to me. There is no way I would stay with such a person. Like How frekan dare you.

Because it’s literally only a big deal because it is stigmatized like you are doing right now. It’s not HIV. It’s not hepatitis. It is an uncomfortable rash that has very good medications to treat. The biggest issue is the baby but there are also ways to protect the baby.

Yes because we all want an uncomfortable rash that we can get anytime for the rest of our lives. Who wants that?

[Anonymous]

I really want OP to explain what she thinks she is going to do wrt child custody. based on the tenor of her responses I have no doubt she is gearing up to make some lawyers very rich as she tries to get full custody.

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Anonymous wrote:The nonchalant attitude so many of you have towards a highly infectious permanent condition that requires some folks to take daily medication to manage is kind of insane.

I am truly confused how some of you seem to think this is just no big deal at all. If someone gave me genital herpes because they decided their previous (not 1 but 2) positive results were unimportant would be infuriating to me. There is no way I would stay with such a person. Like How frekan dare you.

Because it’s literally only a big deal because it is stigmatized like you are doing right now. It’s not HIV. It’s not hepatitis. It is an uncomfortable rash that has very good medications to treat. The biggest issue is the baby but there are also ways to protect the baby.

Yes because we all want an uncomfortable rash that we can get anytime for the rest of our lives. Who wants that?

What kind of rash do you end an engagement over and lose custody of your infant for 50% of the time? Stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want OP to explain what she thinks she is going to do wrt child custody. based on the tenor of her responses I have no doubt she is gearing up to make some lawyers very rich as she tries to get full custody.

She would be stupid to do this. He has Herpes-absolutely nothing to do with how good of a father he will be. Default is always 50/50- and there has to be extremely serious reasons not to get that. Herpes isn’t one of them obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want OP to explain what she thinks she is going to do wrt child custody. based on the tenor of her responses I have no doubt she is gearing up to make some lawyers very rich as she tries to get full custody.

Absolutely nothing in this entire thread indicates that

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.