Reply to I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do [/quote]

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have.  I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce.  And the most recent one was in January 2025.    Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it.  And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test.   I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens.  Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results.   I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…
[/quote]

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone. [/quote]

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out? [/quote]

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic. [/quote]

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027. [/quote]

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

[/quote]

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first. [/quote]

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation. [/quote]

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here. [/quote]
So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before  this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy,  when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November,  but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types,  the testing, the presentation,  or anything. He figured it out and told  you. You are well past fixing what cannot  be fixed.  He was stupid, naive,  not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless,  he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling  your kid you left him because  he realized  he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy. 
Go into counseling  to see everything clearly  before making rash decisions. This is NOT  the place to do it.[/quote]

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts. [/quote]
That's  not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came  to her with it. No, it's  not clear how HSV works, the types,  transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't  to most people. He did the right thing in the end.  There's no need  for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality. [/quote]

Op here,

He tested positive in 2022 and again in January 2025. He claims he didn’t know until this past November, a few months ago. He said me being pregnant prompted him to go back and look at his medical records. At best he’s known for 4 months. At worst 4 years.

Not trying to debate our relationship, just giving you the time   timeline. [/quote]

It's been 4 months and the reason he went back to check was the pregnancy,  yes. Here's what we have all learned here- what HSV is and isn't, and he learned it, too.  The whole thing  was pretty vague, he hadn't and still hadn't presented with anything,  and that's  what the confusion was. He did his homework,  as did a LOT of people did,  and freaked out because  a child was involved  and knew he had to say something before the birth. He did and he was working on that for a woman he loves and a baby he loves. It's  a big deal, and how to go about it.

Now- let's discuss you. Why didn't you test and ask him test before intimacy?  I mean, it should  be assumed in this day and age that this is all really  likely. Or, we could ask  you why you didn't get you both tested before getting pregnant?  Of note- that is what we would expect of most people. It will  be pretty  hard to find someone now without any STDs. You both have a failing here, and I'm  not trying to be critical of you, I understand you are scared and feel betrayed. I'm trying to explain that you both made big mistakes  and you both owe each other and your kid some  grace * I'm not religious really, but this word suits the predicament.

You both are in this together,  and you may decide appropriately  or not to end this, but there probably should  be more reasons  for  doing so, not just this. Maybe there are more reasons  but don't  backmap them  now for this. They have to exist on their  own. And, if there are reasons,  then that  is a different story. But, you were happy before this,  presumably, and trying  to be intimate,  so that tells  me you love him.

1. He did tell  you when he understood the whole picture.  He had never presented  with symptoms and this is the most COMMON MISCONCEPTION  about HSV or  HPV. Most people don't  understand  how many  STDs work. You can test positive and never present. You can test negative now and test positive  later. 
2. He is now concerned about the baby,  and that speaks volumes. He had to become extremely  vulnerable and admit wrongdoing, admit stupidity,  admit failure. Also speaks  volumes. 
3. You are now exposed, and you should be tested. You also may have been  exposed before  this and never tested. Doctor is wrong. Your baby  will ok, regardless. This happens  every day. 
4. You can be mad, yes,  but give yourself space,  time and counseling  before making a slam shut decision. 
5. If you leave,  you will still be in the same  situation as he was is. You probably  have it, too. Now what?

6. Regardless,  he will still be that baby’s  father. That is going to be all your lives. You can be married or you can co parent. Good  luck dropping off your infant,toddler,  teenager to a man you say you cannot trust.

Now- millions  of people  have HSV 1 and or 2. They are in happy relationships,  have  children, it's  all ok. It's  a virus, not a moral failing. He got it the way you were exposed. That's how it works and it is very, very prevalent. Your life isn't over. [/quote]

This is an amazing post. I don’t 100% agree with all of it but this is the real thing. are you a therapist or just very wise? [/quote]

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