I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

If a doctor doesn’t call about this they are irresponsible at best and a terrible doctor at worst. Unbelievable that you would think this is acceptable. So he then can go freely spread it to other people including possibly the mother of his child and worst case his baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

If a doctor doesn’t call about this they are irresponsible at best and a terrible doctor at worst. Unbelievable that you would think this is acceptable. So he then can go freely spread it to other people including possibly the mother of his child and worst case his baby?

But that’s the thing, doctors don’t view positive blood tests with no symptoms as a concern. That’s why they don’t even give you anything. Now for this scenario, he believed he had it and should’ve absolutely disclosed. I’m simply talking about from a medical perspective why they treat positive blood tests with no symptoms as basically no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

If a doctor doesn’t call about this they are irresponsible at best and a terrible doctor at worst. Unbelievable that you would think this is acceptable. So he then can go freely spread it to other people including possibly the mother of his child and worst case his baby?

But that’s the thing, doctors don’t view positive blood tests with no symptoms as a concern. That’s why they don’t even give you anything. Now for this scenario, he believed he had it and should’ve absolutely disclosed. I’m simply talking about from a medical perspective why they treat positive blood tests with no symptoms as basically no big deal.

And yet, here we are. And you don’t know how every doctor treats it, Just the tiktok one and this guy’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

If a doctor doesn’t call about this they are irresponsible at best and a terrible doctor at worst. Unbelievable that you would think this is acceptable. So he then can go freely spread it to other people including possibly the mother of his child and worst case his baby?

But that’s the thing, doctors don’t view positive blood tests with no symptoms as a concern. That’s why they don’t even give you anything. Now for this scenario, he believed he had it and should’ve absolutely disclosed. I’m simply talking about from a medical perspective why they treat positive blood tests with no symptoms as basically no big deal.

And yet, here we are. And you don’t know how every doctor treats it, Just the tiktok one and this guy’s.

The CDC says the same thing…
They don’t even recommend testing if you have no symptoms…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

If a doctor doesn’t call about this they are irresponsible at best and a terrible doctor at worst. Unbelievable that you would think this is acceptable. So he then can go freely spread it to other people including possibly the mother of his child and worst case his baby?

But that’s the thing, doctors don’t view positive blood tests with no symptoms as a concern. That’s why they don’t even give you anything. Now for this scenario, he believed he had it and should’ve absolutely disclosed. I’m simply talking about from a medical perspective why they treat positive blood tests with no symptoms as basically no big deal.

And yet, here we are. And you don’t know how every doctor treats it, Just the tiktok one and this guy’s.

The CDC says the same thing…
They don’t even recommend testing if you have no symptoms…

omg not again. Some people just love living in denial.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Go into counseling OP, you are too emotional right now to think clearly and to make decisions. I wouldn't make a recommendation with regard to splitting up your new family without a lot of time and education first. You are just mad and that isn't a reason to leave this now. There’s a hundred reasons why this happened and it's not really about deception, the way you are making it sound like. There's a lot missing here, and you need to do the work for your baby now. Good luck, dear.

1) being mad about your man lying to you and infecting you with a lifelong disease is 100% enough reason to leave.
2) it's deception at BEST

Sorry, he didn't lie. He didn't understand his results at first. He never presented. He did understand later and told her, albiet late, but they already had sex, already became pregnant, so what would have changed. I mean he's clearly upset about it, this isn't something intentional. He was just naive. So was she, so come on.

Do you know what a lie is? He has two positive tests and didn't tell her, and you want to say he wasn't lying? Of course he lied. Sure he did tell her, eventually. But he knew. For 4 years. And then again in jan 2025. And then he had unprotected sex with her (sexual assault). And then he got her pregnant. And then he proposed. And then he told her. I can't think of any way he could be a bigger fucking liar.

Thank you. I’m not sure why someone is telling me that he didn’t lie. His apologetic text messages prove otherwise…

And are you a completely perfect person who has never lied? As far as I can tell the only “lying” was the (short) period where he knew he had the test result and didn’t tell you. Taking a while to discuss something difficult (especially because he probably knew you were going to blow it out of proportion) doesn’t exactly mean the person is a monster. I am sticking with my interpretation that this relationship had serious issues and was going to fall apart for one reason or another. There are good reasons to just pull the bandaid off and coparent 50-50 from the start but most women would make a lot of effort not to lose any custody of their baby. I don’t think you quite get the ramifications here.

Lying about having McDonald’s for dinner yesterday or lying about giving your partner an STD are pretty f***ing different. Stop trying to downplay lying about your std status! I’m going to start reporting your posts as trolls bc this is getting out of hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want OP to explain what she thinks she is going to do wrt child custody. based on the tenor of her responses I have no doubt she is gearing up to make some lawyers very rich as she tries to get full custody.

She would be stupid to do this. He has Herpes-absolutely nothing to do with how good of a father he will be. Default is always 50/50- and there has to be extremely serious reasons not to get that. Herpes isn’t one of them obviously.

Yeah, liars who sexually assault women are notoriously great fathers. GFY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want OP to explain what she thinks she is going to do wrt child custody. based on the tenor of her responses I have no doubt she is gearing up to make some lawyers very rich as she tries to get full custody.

She would be stupid to do this. He has Herpes-absolutely nothing to do with how good of a father he will be. Default is always 50/50- and there has to be extremely serious reasons not to get that. Herpes isn’t one of them obviously.

Yeah, liars who sexually assault women are notoriously great fathers. GFY.

He is neither. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

You think it's credible that this guy specifically had an STD panel done in 2022, tested positive for HSV, and his doctor didn't discuss it with him or flag the result?! I don't believe it at all.

Yes. That accords with how doctors treat this (including OPs).

Doctors aren’t just going to ignore a positive result. He would have at least been called or sent a message about it. disregarding it completely would defeat the entire purpose of doing the test at all. The only reason the doctor wouldn’t have done this is if this guy specifically told him he has already tested positive in the past. And even then i’d still think they would call/send a msg. I literally get portal messages after bloodwork that say “everything’s normal” even when I can see on the lab work that it’s normal.

If he got a positive result with no symptoms that he wouldn’t receive a call. Then this goes back to the that video saying positive for antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes. Then there’s a range and if he had no symptoms and in the low range I think it’s possible he wouldn’t have gotten a call.

If a doctor doesn’t call about this they are irresponsible at best and a terrible doctor at worst. Unbelievable that you would think this is acceptable. So he then can go freely spread it to other people including possibly the mother of his child and worst case his baby?

But that’s the thing, doctors don’t view positive blood tests with no symptoms as a concern. That’s why they don’t even give you anything. Now for this scenario, he believed he had it and should’ve absolutely disclosed. I’m simply talking about from a medical perspective why they treat positive blood tests with no symptoms as basically no big deal.

Again, most herpes people are not taking anything. It's just not always necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

Why is a 20 year old with a divorced old man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nonchalant attitude so many of you have towards a highly infectious permanent condition that requires some folks to take daily medication to manage is kind of insane.

I am truly confused how some of you seem to think this is just no big deal at all. If someone gave me genital herpes because they decided their previous (not 1 but 2) positive results were unimportant would be infuriating to me. There is no way I would stay with such a person. Like How frekan dare you.

The nonchalant attitude the rest of you have about encouraging OP to kick her baby daddy to the curb before her baby even enters the world is equally insane

Agree. They think somehow OP will be a winner in this zero sum game. But- these posters don't have to live her upcoming life.
Ha! What does she win? Let's see:
1. She leaves a guy who loves her. And it's clear he does. Mistakes were made, but he loves her and the baby.

2. She will have a baby that she will have only partial custody of.

3. Boyfriend will immediately move on and there will be step mom, there absolutely will, right in the inception of this baby's life, so, yes, she is Mom, too.

4. OP will have zero, and I mean ZERO control over what happens when she drops off this 3 month old, 3 years old, 10 year old, 16 year old kid to him. All medical decisions will have to go through him. School, church, even scouts.

5. OP will not necessarily move on. She's a single mom now of an infant, toddler, kid, teenager. And we all know how that plays out on Tinder. Plus, her backstory will be that she left him as he had herpes- she will likely test positive at some point, because that will always be a possibility- added bonus points on the dating scene there, right?

6. She will be in court for the next 22 years working out child support , custody, college, because raising a kid in her own will be more $$ than she ever thought it will be. And she will always have to deal with Mom # 2- you know, the one who didn't care about the herpes at all, and married the Dad because he wants to have a family. Millions of people have herpes. Millions.
Meanwhile, she will start off broke because getting a lawyer over this will be very expensive...and they aren't even married. She thinks she will have some legal upper hand with money or custody over this herpes disclosure, and I am here to say, no- she will have nothing. It's not a deal breaker in court at all.

7. Boyfriend will have more kids with new wife, and that will be baby's family. Those kids will be siblings.
8. She will never be able to move away from the area, and Daddy (and step mom) will have requests and opinions that she doesn't like ..everything from school to camp to sports to clothes, vacations, friends. All out of OP's control now. But most woman assume they are in control, and are shocked to find out how quickly they have no control over their kid really. It'a staggeringly depressing and really frightening, so let's add the declining mental state to her list of developments.

She will have not won anything. She's angry now, but let's assume after this revelation she will have counseling and make an appropriate decision.


Don't dive into the gene pool without a life guard, people.

How can you say he loves her when he lied to her, infected her with an incurable disease and only came clean 4 years later? You're actually so insane for suggesting this is NBD and OP should stick by her lying diseased untrustworthy baby daddy.

All the rest of your reasons are just crap. Don't leave the liar who infected you with an incurable disease because... he may have more children? Jesus Christ your bar is beyond hell. I seriously hope that women never take this kind of advice. There is zero, I repeat ZERO reason that OP is better off staying with a lying AH who sexually assaulted her. What a shit take.

Because you are the one jumping to conclusions here about lying. Even with OP's bias here, and she of course has one- it's plain as day that he did not realize he had herpes 4 years ago. He actually said that. He did not understand it at all, like a lot of people here...just read this whole thread- this isn't a clear cut issue. He did realize it 4 months ago when something happened to make him check, and that would be the baby coming. So many people think they have it only when it shows up. This guy went through a very tough time trying to figure out what to say or do. No, he's not getting a pat in the back, but because he had no symptoms he could have NEVER said anything, ever. He realized now this could possibly affect the baby. It was clear by OP's post that he was in deep turmoil. He put the baby first.

He really didn't get it, that was clear. He isn't a liar, he isn't an abuser, he isn't a narcissist. He's dumb about herpes, so is OP. You are the one filling in a context that isn't there.

Both here are really naive, actually, and OP doesn't get to hold a torch of responsibility up because she is also late to the party. She never tested and didn't ask him to. Don't bring your personal issues into something that doesn't fit.

This thread should end. OP and boyfriend need counseling, and a doctor. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

Why is a 20 year old with a divorced old man?

This post is an example of the reading comprehension of the people just not getting this thread. Good lord, find something else to do if you cannot read effectively. I would laugh, but it is really not funny. OP, do not come here for advice.

** OP is not 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Best to you, PP, but your situation is not at all representative of this.

OP, this is why you need counseling. Everyone comes here with their personal experiences which is not going to be helpful to you.