Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother suddenly passed away when my oldest was 5yrs old. She is now 13yrs old and still talks about memories and stories. They were very close. This year for Christmas I made her a Shutterfly book of all their pictures and mementos and she cried like a baby for 30 minutes. So there are kids that actually DO CARE. My guess is that they are from families that care


I'm not the PP, but I don't really think that a situation with a grandparent who a child was close to is comparable to a great grandparent that they barely knew due to dementia. I'd definitely require my child to attend the funeral of the former regardless of any other commitment, but probably not the latter, even if he didn't have another commitment.


I'm the pp with the great grandparent. It saddens me to think an old man who has been so important to your life might not worth your son's time as if the fact that he had dementia now makes him less of the great person he was. Maybe I didn't explain it well though. Although my grandfather didn't remember a lot about what was happening in the present in his late 90's, his memory of the past was unfading and he was a great storyteller. We visited him several times a year as an entire family so this child had plenty of visits over the 10 years to feel close enough. Every time we went up, the family was able to pay for the trips from his bank account. The great grandparent knew enough to remember all the names of the great grandchildren including what they liked to do. And before he died, he had a video made for a family member's wedding just to tell her how happy he was for her and how he thought her husband was perfect for her. The other blow to the grandson staying home was that the in law who had known the grandparent for many years also didn't come.

I do understand why a high school child might have to miss an important event, but I just can't believe that all sporting events of a child's life are so important that a child can't take time out of their lives to be with family. If it were a family wedding instead of an old man's funeral would you also agree that a 10 year old shouldn't miss a sports tournament?

Blah, blah, blah. She is just pissed everyone is not making a big deal out of her wedding. This is about an adult acting like a child. If family is soooo important why cause all the hate? Oh because it's her day! Really? Yes everyone else is just a prop(including the groom) to an event that 98% of the people who attend will not be able to remember in 3 years.

[Anonymous]

OP is not hating anyone or being vindictive. She posted to get some perspective and understanding. Do you think the son is just a prop for the coach of this team? Is the coach also acting like a child? Is he a prop for the parent who from the sound of it realizes her child isn't going to play this sport in college. Do these coaches never miss a game throughout the season for family? They do tend to also be parents themselves. Maybe so since they were reared to prioritize the game over family themselves.

[Anonymous]

The kid is 14 by now. Maybe the coach and parents are just props for the kid on their way to stardom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Blah, blah, blah. She is just pissed everyone is not making a big deal out of her wedding. This is about an adult acting like a child. If family is soooo important why cause all the hate? Oh because it's her day! Really? Yes everyone else is just a prop(including the groom) to an event that 98% of the people who attend will not be able to remember in 3 years.

Why are you so bitter? Divorcee? Not married yet? Family not showing up for you? Wow. Why are you projecting so much? It's got me curious!

It might help to actually read the thread or maybe that would prevent you from making the comment you wanted to make.

OP posted her feelings on an anonymous message board. That's causing hate? She did not seem to even challenge her sister on this (she expressed internalized disappointment and disagreement I thought) and said she made the decision to let it go entirely in honor of family harmony and the relationship. So what did OP do that you are concluding is causing hate and drama - you got me wondering.

That's pretty sad that you equate OP having her niece or nephew read a poem at her wedding to them being a prop. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

disappointed for me, my partner,

ok, so is this a same-sex wedding?

I may be waaaay off base - has this been discussed?
If it is - he's 14. Old enough to have his own opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

disappointed for me, my partner,

ok, so is this a same-sex wedding?

I may be waaaay off base - has this been discussed?
If it is - he's 14. Old enough to have his own opinion

Wait, are you saying that somehow the nephew doesn't want to come because it could be a same-sex wedding? Or the sister does not want him to come (yet everyone else, including her other child is going)? Way to insert an issue that is entirely not in this thread at all.

So the nephew knew the aunt has a same-sex partner and was marrying the partner and he was coming to the wedding all along and agreed to do a reading and then at the last minute decides he does not want to go because LESBIANS and uses the sports event as an excuse? Now we are getting into conspiracy theories! Taking this thread to a fascinating new level. Have mercy on us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to understand where your sister is coming from, both because of the competitive nature of high school varsity sports and because it would seem unfair that the sister's schedule was considered but not the brother's schedule.

That being said, the answer really depends on the particularities of the team and coach. It would be WONDERFUL to assume that all teams and coaches are mature enough to recognize that sometimes life events happen and players need to miss a game and that they shouldn't be penalized for it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I would say that's actually incredibly rare. So if there is even a HINT of that, I get why both the nephew and OP sister have made their decisions.

This all may sound crazy to people. And it may be screwed up values and wrong ... But unless OP's sister wants to take on the coach, it may just be the way it is.

OP, I'd be understanding and try to have a little make up celebration next time you see him!

Why is it ok for a coach to be unforgiving but OP not to be disappointed in the least? In all this, I think I blame these coaches most of all who pass judgment on new players for missing one game or a preseason tournament to affect an entire career in sports. Why are there so many bad coaches like this if they have so much love for the children and sport?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tend to understand where your sister is coming from, both because of the competitive nature of high school varsity sports and because it would seem unfair that the sister's schedule was considered but not the brother's schedule.

That being said, the answer really depends on the particularities of the team and coach. It would be WONDERFUL to assume that all teams and coaches are mature enough to recognize that sometimes life events happen and players need to miss a game and that they shouldn't be penalized for it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I would say that's actually incredibly rare. So if there is even a HINT of that, I get why both the nephew and OP sister have made their decisions.

This all may sound crazy to people. And it may be screwed up values and wrong ... But unless OP's sister wants to take on the coach, it may just be the way it is.

OP, I'd be understanding and try to have a little make up celebration next time you see him!

Why is it ok for a coach to be unforgiving but OP not to be disappointed in the least? In all this, I think I blame these coaches most of all who pass judgment on new players for missing one game or a preseason tournament to affect an entire career in sports. Why are there so many bad coaches like this if they have so much love for the children and sport?

I agree. And by "career" you mean high school and a small percent chance of college and the tiniest fraction of a percent beyond that. I think that is where the problem is. Parents push these kids into this competitive dilusion of stardom. Thousands of dollars, picking the right coach, one on one lessons, getting on the elite team, making varsity at freshman. Shipping off to camps and showcases. Most kids are a dime a dozen and no amount of fine tuning will ever get you the stardom. You either have it or you don't. But parents truly feel this tension of "what if I didn't do enough?" And I bet her sister projects this anxiety back onto her son too. Those both feel it is a make/break moment in his "career" and that is the truly sad part. Kids these days no longer have fun. They are prepped from the age of 2. Lives scheduled meticulously and this false hope of stardom. Coaches are high stress because the parents want the best and in their eyes the more the better. Push, push, push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

Ok, though I've been on team "nephew", I also thought the earlier posts by the OP were sensible. Given this when I read the "smack me upside the head" comment I assumed she meant that the smack was deserved because her older, more experienced self would realize how unaware her 40 year old self had been about the complications and grey areas that come with child-rearing. I hope I'm correct?

I am the post who wrote the 'holy cow' post above and no, I don't think that's at all what she meant, which is why I'm on Team Sister now. I thought that her update started over-the-top dramatic and bridezilla in tone to begin with, which surprised me because I hadn't gotten that vibe earlier (but now I'm wondering if I was wrong and my new fellow Team Sister folks are just better at spotting bridezillas in the wild than me). Then the whole "smack me upside the head" business with her mother, wtf? She's going around talking shit about how awful her sister is to her mom and then brags and jokes about that? What? Team Sister all the way now.

And generally speaking, I'd make my kid go to a family wedding except if it was like the World Cup tryouts or playing Carnegie Hall or something and I was on Team OP, but now I wonder if there's a lot more going on than what OP said, because, like I said, that update? Was a piece. of. work.

I'll retract and go back to Team OP if it turns out OP meant what you said. But I don't think she did.

[Anonymous]

I appreciated how OP and her mom discussed it and were able to joke and make it about a personal message to herself. I'm projecting a bit but I imagine the mom was irate at the sister too. Better them have a conversation or two amongst themselves (who wouldn't; odd for no one in the fam to talk about the big last minute change) than to address with the nephew or harp on with the sister.

I don't see the issue with that. Can relate to that very thing in my family and with my mom. My 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tend to understand where your sister is coming from, both because of the competitive nature of high school varsity sports and because it would seem unfair that the sister's schedule was considered but not the brother's schedule.

That being said, the answer really depends on the particularities of the team and coach. It would be WONDERFUL to assume that all teams and coaches are mature enough to recognize that sometimes life events happen and players need to miss a game and that they shouldn't be penalized for it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I would say that's actually incredibly rare. So if there is even a HINT of that, I get why both the nephew and OP sister have made their decisions.

This all may sound crazy to people. And it may be screwed up values and wrong ... But unless OP's sister wants to take on the coach, it may just be the way it is.

OP, I'd be understanding and try to have a little make up celebration next time you see him!

Why is it ok for a coach to be unforgiving but OP not to be disappointed in the least? In all this, I think I blame these coaches most of all who pass judgment on new players for missing one game or a preseason tournament to affect an entire career in sports. Why are there so many bad coaches like this if they have so much love for the children and sport?

I agree. And by "career" you mean high school and a small percent chance of college and the tiniest fraction of a percent beyond that. I think that is where the problem is. Parents push these kids into this competitive dilusion of stardom. Thousands of dollars, picking the right coach, one on one lessons, getting on the elite team, making varsity at freshman. Shipping off to camps and showcases. Most kids are a dime a dozen and no amount of fine tuning will ever get you the stardom. You either have it or you don't. But parents truly feel this tension of "what if I didn't do enough?" And I bet her sister projects this anxiety back onto her son too. Those both feel it is a make/break moment in his "career" and that is the truly sad part. Kids these days no longer have fun. They are prepped from the age of 2. Lives scheduled meticulously and this false hope of stardom. Coaches are high stress because the parents want the best and in their eyes the more the better. Push, push, push. [/quote

The parents are part of it but if this coach and many others are so unforgiving it is really the coach putting unreasonable expectations on this family.

[Anonymous]

I thought Op was likely talking the mom/grandmom down and appreciated the levity.

Whoa the other options of causing a wedge or raucous in this type of situation. I would've been tempted to create more of an issue I am sure! Probably regret it though. One poster said it'd be an epic shitstorm in their family LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christmas is a repeat event. A wedding or funeral hopefully only happens once. Does this family come up to visit the MIL often and for other holidays or perhaps Christmas day? Does the family always schedule around their child or always have the mom visit them or vice versa? If there was a Christmas wedding planned a year in advance could the child skip a concert one year?

I think it is more important to honor tradition than a 1 time event. It builds relationships. When there is a wedding, all the cousins that attend Christmas are having fun together and the cousin that does not come is a little bit of the odd man out. I think it is the every day interactions that are more important than the 1 time events.

[Anonymous]

OP, your wedding is not that big a deal to anybody except you and maybe (maybe!) your fiance. So get over yourself and stop playing bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

Not relating to the bridezilla caller at all. Probably bc it's fake.

Me thinks you did not read the thread or are way projecting.

Why have a wedding if you don't care if your family and close friends come? Nice she gives a shit about the nephew attending and doesn't just consider him a disposable teen.