Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was 99. The funeral was a celebration of his life. Our grandfather was a fun and caring man. The 10 year old can understand funny stories about a person's life. People gave speeches at the funeral about how great he was at his business and taking care of employees, with family, and with friends. My 10 year old is able to understand most of these stories. Sorry yours isn't. And either way, a 10 year olds basketball tournament is not that important. Even if he didn't understand all the stories, he would have spent time with his entire extended family and his cousins which I think is still more important than a 10 year olds tournament.

I don't believe you. Ask you child in 10 years 1 story about your grandfather, he won't know one.

PP, you are a piece of garbage with that post. No wonder sports is more important. Your mentality about family SUCKS.


My mother suddenly passed away when my oldest was 5yrs old. She is now 13yrs old and still talks about memories and stories. They were very close. This year for Christmas I made her a Shutterfly book of all their pictures and mementos and she cried like a baby for 30 minutes. So there are kids that actually DO CARE. My guess is that they are from families that care.

[Anonymous]

My mother suddenly passed away when my oldest was 5yrs old. She is now 13yrs old and still talks about memories and stories. They were very close. This year for Christmas I made her a Shutterfly book of all their pictures and mementos and she cried like a baby for 30 minutes. So there are kids that actually DO CARE. My guess is that they are from families that care

I'm not the PP, but I don't really think that a situation with a grandparent who a child was close to is comparable to a great grandparent that they barely knew due to dementia. I'd definitely require my child to attend the funeral of the former regardless of any other commitment, but probably not the latter, even if he didn't have another commitment.

[Anonymous]

Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

Huh, I haven't gotten anything but reasonable from OP. I'm sure she's not perfect and neither is her sister, but she sounds like one of the more reasonable people on this crazy thread! It actually sounds like the whole family might be a pretty good one, despite this little situation. Families have stuff because families are made up of PEOPLE.

In thinking more about weddings as a result of this thread, I have to say I don't remember much about the weddings of friends I have been to. But my own sister got married long ago, it is still being talked about by all of my family, young and old. It was such a bonding and momentous experience. We sometimes think of watching the video just to relive and smile. I think which wedding it is certainly matters, as does the nature of your family and how they do events like this (formal and detached or a real family moment).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

ha ha did you just plus 100 yourself?? #transparent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

So she isn't allowed to be bitter? They are a close family, she is close to her niece and nephew. She is disappointed her sister picks sport for her kids over her wedding. She is allowed to be. She isn't disowning her, she isn't making the nephew feel guilty. She is venting on an anonymous forum.

My aunt was the baby in the family and didn't get married until she was 45yrs old. She was always the cool aunt. Purchased gifts for all the kids on holidays and birthdays, came to all the events and was so much fun to be around. I could not imagine when it was time for her bridal shower and wedding that some people would have other commitments so minimal like this and bail out. My 15yr old plays on exclusive sports team and high school. There is no way she would miss the wedding but if she even gave it a thought, I would remind her of all the times Aunt Michele was there for her and explain that it sucks to miss games from time to time but family, especially close family that has been there for you, must be treated with the same love and kindness. I am proud that she was completely okay missing a weekend tournament and we have so many good memories, videos and pictures of that whole weekend. And it didn't ruin her "huge career" in sports. Still starting on both teams.

[Anonymous]

Ouch - not me. Team OP all the way. She sounds very sincere and wants her family there . Let her be sad and vent - all she is saying is that she hopes she never causes this sort of sadness for somebody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

ha ha did you just plus 100 yourself?? #transparent

No. I was the +100 poster and did not write the post I referred too.
"ha ha" - seriously, what age are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

Ok, though I've been on team "nephew", I also thought the earlier posts by the OP were sensible. Given this when I read the "smack me upside the head" comment I assumed she meant that the smack was deserved because her older, more experienced self would realize how unaware her 40 year old self had been about the complications and grey areas that come with child-rearing. I hope I'm correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

So she isn't allowed to be bitter? They are a close family, she is close to her niece and nephew. She is disappointed her sister picks sport for her kids over her wedding. She is allowed to be. She isn't disowning her, she isn't making the nephew feel guilty. She is venting on an anonymous forum.

My aunt was the baby in the family and didn't get married until she was 45yrs old. She was always the cool aunt. Purchased gifts for all the kids on holidays and birthdays, came to all the events and was so much fun to be around. I could not imagine when it was time for her bridal shower and wedding that some people would have other commitments so minimal like this and bail out. My 15yr old plays on exclusive sports team and high school. There is no way she would miss the wedding but if she even gave it a thought, I would remind her of all the times Aunt Michele was there for her and explain that it sucks to miss games from time to time but family, especially close family that has been there for you, must be treated with the same love and kindness. I am proud that she was completely okay missing a weekend tournament and we have so many good memories, videos and pictures of that whole weekend. And it didn't ruin her "huge career" in sports. Still starting on both teams.

Never does have long-term impact for the ones with real talent. Particularly by high school, if you're so good they can't bear to be without you on the field, court, whatever (which is usually the case for the ones who play in college), missing something for a family obligation won't cost you. And who knows, if the coach has any sense, he'll be impressed by an athlete who has the character to say, my family is more important than one game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mother suddenly passed away when my oldest was 5yrs old. She is now 13yrs old and still talks about memories and stories. They were very close. This year for Christmas I made her a Shutterfly book of all their pictures and mementos and she cried like a baby for 30 minutes. So there are kids that actually DO CARE. My guess is that they are from families that care

I'm not the PP, but I don't really think that a situation with a grandparent who a child was close to is comparable to a great grandparent that they barely knew due to dementia. I'd definitely require my child to attend the funeral of the former regardless of any other commitment, but probably not the latter, even if he didn't have another commitment.

I'm the pp with the great grandparent. It saddens me to think an old man who has been so important to your life might not worth your son's time as if the fact that he had dementia now makes him less of the great person he was. Maybe I didn't explain it well though. Although my grandfather didn't remember a lot about what was happening in the present in his late 90's, his memory of the past was unfading and he was a great storyteller. We visited him several times a year as an entire family so this child had plenty of visits over the 10 years to feel close enough. Every time we went up, the family was able to pay for the trips from his bank account. The great grandparent knew enough to remember all the names of the great grandchildren including what they liked to do. And before he died, he had a video made for a family member's wedding just to tell her how happy he was for her and how he thought her husband was perfect for her. The other blow to the grandson staying home was that the in law who had known the grandparent for many years also didn't come.

I do understand why a high school child might have to miss an important event, but I just can't believe that all sporting events of a child's life are so important that a child can't take time out of their lives to be with family. If it were a family wedding instead of an old man's funeral would you also agree that a 10 year old shouldn't miss a sports tournament?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was 99. The funeral was a celebration of his life. Our grandfather was a fun and caring man. The 10 year old can understand funny stories about a person's life. People gave speeches at the funeral about how great he was at his business and taking care of employees, with family, and with friends. My 10 year old is able to understand most of these stories. Sorry yours isn't. And either way, a 10 year olds basketball tournament is not that important. Even if he didn't understand all the stories, he would have spent time with his entire extended family and his cousins which I think is still more important than a 10 year olds tournament.

I don't believe you. Ask you child in 10 years 1 story about your grandfather, he won't know one.

Whether an actual story is remembered or not, is not the point. My child will know where his great grandfather is buried, will have memories of the funeral, and will remember that he was admired and loved. He will feel that the great grandfather was part of his life a little more than if he didn't attend. You seriously would have your child miss a funeral of a their last great grandparent for a basketball tournament? I actually don't even think it was a tournament. Just a game. Like it matters either way.

I am sorry but you are wrong. If you child knows anything about his great grandfather it is because you have pictures of him around the house, you have family over on a regular basis and your tell the same story over and over and over again.

A child does not know this from 1 day when he was 10. If it was important to you to have him there, great, that is more about you than him. But your imagination of how this 1 event will affect your child is overstated.

NP here. I don't know where you get off telling this poster that she is wrong about her 10 year old. Either you as a 10 year old must have been shallow or you have very low expectations of your 10 year olds.

I spent the summer of my 10th birthday in another country with my 82 year old grandmother that I hadn't seen since I was 3 and didn't remember. I was brought along to wakes and funerals and all kinds of things one would assume might be boring for a 10 year old. I wasn't bored. I heard so many amazing stories about my dad's childhood and growing up without electricity and the wars and countless things. I had no pictures of my granny in my house growing up. Long distance was too expensive then to call overseas. She has dozens of other grandchildren so she couldn't send us gifts or anything.

By your token, I shoukd have stayed home and participated in summer camp with my friends rather than be stuck on a godforsaken farm with no TV with an octegentaian who was a virtual stranger. But she was my granny, and the time I spent with her was priceless and shaped my life forever. This is history I will pass down to my child.

OP, you are a great aunt and your sis has some messed up values.

[Anonymous]

It's odd that these child sport stars are supposedly so mature and good at relationships yet they're "bored" whenever a situation presents themselves that they aren't front and center. You'd think a child like that could at least see the devotion the parents put into their sports career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

Ok, though I've been on team "nephew", I also thought the earlier posts by the OP were sensible. Given this when I read the "smack me upside the head" comment I assumed she meant that the smack was deserved because her older, more experienced self would realize how unaware her 40 year old self had been about the complications and grey areas that come with child-rearing. I hope I'm correct?

I took it as she wanted her mom to smack her upside the head if she ever got so crazed about sports that she was tempted to make a choice like her sister is…game over important family event. I think that's great. We do sometimes need smacks in the head to keep us in line with our priorities and not go all crazy and obsessive over some of this stuff. I tell my husband essentially to do the same thing to me if I get as wrapped up as the other nutty cheerleader moms. I need reminders about what I truly value and think is sensible when I'm rationale!

I like, though, how you chalk up OP's values on family and sports to her ignorant misunderstanding of the complications and grey areas of child-rearing. The majority of people on this thread don't think this one is complicated or gray at all, in both directions. I've only seen a few people say gosh this is really gray and could go either way. Everyone is like OP is bridezilla or the sister is sisterzilla!