Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Christmas is a repeat event. A wedding or funeral hopefully only happens once. Does this family come up to visit the MIL often and for other holidays or perhaps Christmas day? Does the family always schedule around their child or always have the mom visit them or vice versa? If there was a Christmas wedding planned a year in advance could the child skip a concert one year?[/quote]

I think it is more important to honor tradition than a 1 time event. It builds relationships. When there is a wedding, all the cousins that attend Christmas are having fun together and the cousin that does not come is a little bit of the odd man out. I think it is the every day interactions that are more important than the 1 time events. [/quote]

In our family it doesn't work this way. Each of our families have their own set of new obligations and traditions melding our old family's traditions, their spouses traditions, and their own traditions. We welcome family members whenever they make the effort. In this case this family might miss christmas eve regularly but then started a new tradition of coming to visit family christmas day or new years. Many families don't have the means or time to visit on holidays every year. We think each other's weddings and funerals are important and make every effort to be there.

[Anonymous]

For what it is worth, I was at a wedding last weekend. Everyone there was over 35 except for the one nephew who was about 15. Said Nephew didn't have anyone to talk to or hang out with. He didn't have a soccer tournament to play in, but from the dynamics of the event, he would probably have rather been about anywhere else doing about anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

Of course he can miss it. It is a choice, and this mom is choosing to teach her son that family comes second to sports. It is a GAME played with a BALL, not his career trajectory and not anything make or break in his life. It is appalling that the sister is teaching her son that playing with a ball is a priority over an important family event.

Amen to that.

I'm stunned at the amouint of people who give that much importance to sports.

[Anonymous]

Some people who love me missed my wedding.

I was gracious and said, only nice things to them about it. Life went on and it just didn't matter.

[Anonymous]

[quote]Christmas is a repeat event. A wedding or funeral hopefully only happens once. Does this family come up to visit the MIL often and for other holidays or perhaps Christmas day? Does the family always schedule around their child or always have the mom visit them or vice versa? If there was a Christmas wedding planned a year in advance could the child skip a concert one year?

I think it is more important to honor tradition than a 1 time event. It builds relationships. When there is a wedding, all the cousins that attend Christmas are having fun together and the cousin that does not come is a little bit of the odd man out. I think it is the every day interactions that are more important than the 1 time events.

In our family it doesn't work this way. Each of our families have their own set of new obligations and traditions melding our old family's traditions, their spouses traditions, and their own traditions. We welcome family members whenever they make the effort. In this case this family might miss christmas eve regularly but then started a new tradition of coming to visit family christmas day or new years. Many families don't have the means or time to visit on holidays every year. We think each other's weddings and funerals are important and make every effort to be there.[/quote]

When families move away there are consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people who love me missed my wedding.

I was gracious and said, only nice things to them about it. Life went on and it just didn't matter.

Thanks! This is how mature people feel about it.

[Anonymous]

What page are OPs replies on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether people agree with it or not, sports at that age are highly competitive. The nephew has probably been working since he was 5 to be good at this sport and in many cases, missing a game will cause major problems with the coach and other players. He made a commitment to his team and in team sports, you don't not show up for a game. That's just not the culture.

I think calling his sport a hobby, as a PP did, is condescending.

Sucky situation OP. I'm sorry.

Your words do outline reality, but that reality is wrong and needs to be changed. You neatly summed up all that's wrong with a culture that gives sports such an inflated, exagerated importance.

It's just not right to give a GAME such a status in life.

[Anonymous]

I don't think most posters here have DCs in HS. There is a pervasive sense that all HS kids have to "play a sport" to get into college. Not true, but whatever. So this gives the coaches much too much power and they abuse it. So here is OPs DD a freshman on a competitive team. If she misses it, she will sit on the bench until she learns her "lesson" This comes from the baby boomers kids bulge. Hopefully, as time goes on this trend will end. But for right now, OP is stuck. Also it is freshman year for OPs DD. After sophomore or junior year, DCs have gotten their letters and they can drop the sport, having filled their resumes for college. Creepy and unfair, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people who love me missed my wedding.

I was gracious and said, only nice things to them about it. Life went on and it just didn't matter.

Thanks! This is how mature people feel about it.

What if your sister missed your wedding because she had a work Xmas party or your mom missed because she volunteers every weekend at her church. Give me a break. Not what pages OP's responses are on (they all start "OP here") but she never said she didn't say only nice things about it to the sister or nephew. This is an anonymous online vent. Or actually she said she was checking her thinking with us.

[Anonymous]

I think OP posted she vented, processed and is moving on (with a little disappointment). We're the ones hanging on to it! Classic DCUM. This is such an interesting thread tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

Of course he can miss it. It is a choice, and this mom is choosing to teach her son that family comes second to sports. It is a GAME played with a BALL, not his career trajectory and not anything make or break in his life. It is appalling that the sister is teaching her son that playing with a ball is a priority over an important family event.

Amen to that.

I'm stunned at the amouint of people who give that much importance to sports.

+1

It is a game.... with a ball. So true! These sports-obsessed OCD families can rationalize all they want but at the end of the day, they are teaching their kids horrible values.

[Anonymous]

Are the parents obsessed with their kids sports mostly ones who never played competitive sports themselves as children? This is a pattern I've observed and I'm sure there's some psychology to it.

[Anonymous]

I am family first and lean towoards OP, but the anti-sports rhetoric here has tainted the credibility of this thread.

Sports is a lightning rod and I get that, but this thread, IMO, could be about ANY extracurricular activity. There are parents and kids who become obsessed in whatever activity. It could be sports, debate, orchestra, paegants, drama, science clubs, etc.

Many of you are expressing a disdain for sports generally (because that is how the OP framed it). Fine, but would your thoughts be different if the activity was something you approved of? I guess my point is that by making this about sports specifically and not about extracurriculars generally, your answers will be more extreme and knee jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most posters here have DCs in HS. There is a pervasive sense that all HS kids have to "play a sport" to get into college. Not true, but whatever. So this gives the coaches much too much power and they abuse it. So here is OPs DD a freshman on a competitive team. If she misses it, she will sit on the bench until she learns her "lesson" This comes from the baby boomers kids bulge. Hopefully, as time goes on this trend will end. But for right now, OP is stuck. Also it is freshman year for OPs DD. After sophomore or junior year, DCs have gotten their letters and they can drop the sport, having filled their resumes for college. Creepy and unfair, but there it is.

Not true. My daughter missed a tournament for her uncle's wedding and was never on the bench. We knew about the wedding a year in advance. When the schedule came out she told her coach her whole family would be out of town for her uncles wedding. Would this be a problem? Is there anything extra she can do to help? I also sent an email to the coach and cc'd the director of athletics and the principal of the school. All we got back is no problem, thanks for letting us know in advance. She was never on the bench when she came back. She stayed late 2x the following week to practice extra. Her own doing. Kids that are talented and have poise and confidence will be just fine. If you think your coach is god, can't speak up, always have your tail between your legs or lie to avoid confrontation/getting benched - your coach will bench you more for that then anything else.