Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

Adoption is usually a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem. I think many birth mothers say they aren't in a position to parent because of their current situation. I would like to see statistics as to how many birth mothers still feel that way 10 or 20 years later, when their life situation may be vastly different (and often better) than it was when they first chose adoption.

That may be true (although I certainly do not think it applies in all cases) but does that mean that you think that kids should be in foster care for that long while birth mom gets her act together. Or are you saying that society owes it to her to support her and her child (and however other many children she has) for that 10 to 20 year period. Either position is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Adoption is usually a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem. I think many birth mothers say they aren't in a position to parent because of their current situation. I would like to see statistics as to how many birth mothers still feel that way 10 or 20 years later, when their life situation may be vastly different (and often better) than it was when they first chose adoption.

That may be true (although I certainly do not think it applies in all cases) but does that mean that you think that kids should be in foster care for that long while birth mom gets her act together. Or are you saying that society owes it to her to support her and her child (and however other many children she has) for that 10 to 20 year period. Either position is unreasonable.

Why is it unreasonable?

Society throws a lot more money at other things besides support systems for (often) young people who have become parents prematurely.

Reading between the lines, you seem to assume that most birth parents "need to get their act together," are popping out children left and right, and are a burden to society. Stereotype much? Why don't you add their race and economic status while you are at it. Of course you think they need a savior to come and take their children from them. It's written all over your response.

Every situation is different and every child born will be in a different situation. A young couple who are having a child but have economic problems can be helped with housing, food, counseling and employment assistance. Unfortunately what they are most often "helped" with is a referral to an adoption agency and encouragement that relinquishing their child is the most loving and selfless thing to do.

Until the loss eventually catches up with them psychologically and they perhaps develop other problems, which your society may very well have to fund anyway - such as psychological care, drug/alcohol treatment, a need for housing, food, etc. That's why longitudinal studies need to be done on the long-term effects on birth parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that children need to be available for adoption as young as possible. There is no need whatsoever for welfare. Npt having the maturity and the reseouces to raise a baby means you are not ready to be a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

If you'd never adopt or foster, why do you have to post long winded rambling comments that are not on topic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a more common issue is prioritizing birth families over adoptive families, despite whether the birth family offers a healthy environment for raising the child.

Children should be prioritized, NOT adults.

Is this a common issue? Or is it your perception, your point of view as someone who would like to adopt more kids? I'd like to see how you can show that it's a common issue.

From my perspective, prioritizing the birth family IS prioritizing the child, because I believe the child is better off with his family (absent issues of abuse or neglect), and families should be supported in efforts to keep their wanted children.

And, that's what foster care does. But that is foster care, not adoption. Not every birthmom wants to or is in a position to parent. You don't seem to get that. Sometimes its not as simple as supporting. And, what exactly are you doing to support or do you just complain?

Adoption is usually a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem. I think many birth mothers say they aren't in a position to parent because of their current situation. I would like to see statistics as to how many birth mothers still feel that way 10 or 20 years later, when their life situation may be vastly different (and often better) than it was when they first chose adoption.

You are completely speculating. Every situation is different but many would not be in a better situation at best for many years. So, what happens to those kids in the meantime? Foster care? What about the birthparents who absolutely don't want to parent and couldn't afford an abortion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

If you'd never adopt or foster, why do you have to post long winded rambling comments that are not on topic?

I absolutely would consider fostering if I had a partner. I would also adopt from foster care. I just was responding to the multiple prior suggestions on this thread about embryo adoption etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

If you'd never adopt or foster, why do you have to post long winded rambling comments that are not on topic?

I absolutely would consider fostering if I had a partner. I would also adopt from foster care. I just was responding to the multiple prior suggestions on this thread about embryo adoption etc.

PP, this thread has a crazy troll with low intelligence and poor reading comprehension. She thinks any post that doesn't align with her is "not on topic."

I thought your post was interesting and thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

If you'd never adopt or foster, why do you have to post long winded rambling comments that are not on topic?

I absolutely would consider fostering if I had a partner. I would also adopt from foster care. I just was responding to the multiple prior suggestions on this thread about embryo adoption etc.

PP, this thread has a crazy troll with low intelligence and poor reading comprehension. She thinks any post that doesn't align with her is "not on topic."

I thought your post was interesting and thoughtful.

This is the topic: I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision.

The adoption process, how it went for those that adopted and are you happy with your decision to adopt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PPs that children need to be available for adoption as young as possible. There is no need whatsoever for welfare. Npt having the maturity and the reseouces to raise a baby means you are not ready to be a mother.

I don't agree
Having money doesn't mean you are ready to be a mother either
My grandmother survived as a refugee with 2 very small children in WW2 Europe
I have seen the living conditions in Russias kommunalkas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

If you'd never adopt or foster, why do you have to post long winded rambling comments that are not on topic?

I absolutely would consider fostering if I had a partner. I would also adopt from foster care. I just was responding to the multiple prior suggestions on this thread about embryo adoption etc.

PP, this thread has a crazy troll with low intelligence and poor reading comprehension. She thinks any post that doesn't align with her is "not on topic."

I thought your post was interesting and thoughtful.

This is the topic: I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision.

The adoption process, how it went for those that adopted and are you happy with your decision to adopt!

I get that and that is why I threw in my 2 cents as someone who seriously considered adoption and decided against it. Typically in making a decision people weigh the pros and cons and the alternatives. So in a recent discussion with a friend who is considering adoption we talked about the challenges of adoption and the alternatives which for her is surrogacy. While it’s great to hear success stories it’s also important to know that there are way more potential parents than available babies and for some people it takes years and some are not successful. For me since I was pretty much only willing to adopt through foster care I discussed with my doctor whether I would be suited to do so given my mental health/trauma history and meager support system and our conversation covered the challenges of attachment disorders and other special needs, etc. The psychologist who I had to speak to in order to use donor sperm also discussed other options. Pointing out potentially easier alternatives is relevant and OP can just ignore if not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd recommend any would-be adoptive parent listen to S2 of the podcast This Land, which looks at the shadowy interests looking to overturn the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA).

The podcast does a great job of universalizing some of the issues that face both indigenous and non-indigenous adoptive families and adoptees, including the ways in which kids who were placed with families that shared their heritage fared better in both the foster care system and as adoptees.

You may still decide to adopt, but I'd recommend listening to the podcast.

Why…? People trying to adopt in the 21st century aren’t going to be adopting Native American kids against the will of the tribes.

That's where you would be wrong. There are people taking cases to the Supreme Court right now in order to adopt Native kids against the will of the tribes. Literally as we speak.

That's why the podcast is interesting, because indigenous kids are a microcosm for larger issues in the adoption industry. We know that outcomes for indigenous kids get worse the further you get from their heritage. So, raised by family members is best, then members of their own tribe if no family is available, and by indigenous folks of another tribe if needed. The worst outcomes are for indigenous kids separated from their heritage entirely.

Similarly, the ICWA cases crack open other distressing trends. Lawyers who advise their clients to lie, for example. Competition for babies, to the point that would-be adoptive parents would happily go against the will of birth families. Kids put in foster care for poverty, and courts that set impossible standards for parents to get their kids back.

If you are thinking of adopting, it's worth really understanding the industry you are buying into, because the way the sausage gets made is pretty ugly.

[Anonymous]

To answer OP’s questions: Adoption process, how it went, and are we happy?

We adopted newborns domestically through an adoption agency twice. The process was easy and quick. Our kids are AA. We met the birth moms and brought both kids home from the hospital at 2 days old.

Our adoptions are “open” in the sense that we provide updates and pictures, but no other contact, which was the choice of their birth parents. If our kids want to, we will encourage them to find their birth parents, although we will warn them that it may or may not be a happy reunion since I’ve heard all kinds of stories (Searching shouldn’t be difficult because we have some information about them, plus DNA kits make it easier to connect with birth families).

Our kids are early teen and tween and seem happy and well-adjusted. I believe that many, not all, kids who were adopted do suffer from lower self-esteem and abandonment issues but so far they are ok.

We are very, very happy with our decision. Being given the opportunity to raise these kids is the honor of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd recommend any would-be adoptive parent listen to S2 of the podcast This Land, which looks at the shadowy interests looking to overturn the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA).

The podcast does a great job of universalizing some of the issues that face both indigenous and non-indigenous adoptive families and adoptees, including the ways in which kids who were placed with families that shared their heritage fared better in both the foster care system and as adoptees.

You may still decide to adopt, but I'd recommend listening to the podcast.

Why…? People trying to adopt in the 21st century aren’t going to be adopting Native American kids against the will of the tribes.

That's where you would be wrong. There are people taking cases to the Supreme Court right now in order to adopt Native kids against the will of the tribes. Literally as we speak.

That's why the podcast is interesting, because indigenous kids are a microcosm for larger issues in the adoption industry. We know that outcomes for indigenous kids get worse the further you get from their heritage. So, raised by family members is best, then members of their own tribe if no family is available, and by indigenous folks of another tribe if needed. The worst outcomes are for indigenous kids separated from their heritage entirely.

Similarly, the ICWA cases crack open other distressing trends. Lawyers who advise their clients to lie, for example. Competition for babies, to the point that would-be adoptive parents would happily go against the will of birth families. Kids put in foster care for poverty, and courts that set impossible standards for parents to get their kids back.

If you are thinking of adopting, it's worth really understanding the industry you are buying into, because the way the sausage gets made is pretty ugly.

This.This right here tells it all - it is an INDUSTRY, it is run by MONEY and it is (often) UGLY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman who adopted an older child from the foster care system. One of the local agencies handled my adoption. My daughter moved here from out of state when she was 10 years old. Hands down, the best thing I've ever done. Hands down the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think the hardest things have been (1) being a solo parent (2) having a kid with some special needs, which can be tough to navigate. However, I have lots of support from my friends, our therapists (we have two!), our schools, and my adoption agency. Money was a very serious concern for me, and in that way, older child adoption was great. It only cost me a few thousand dollars to adopt, and I continue to get financial support to take care of my child's health insurance and other needs. I'm listening to her sing in her room right now while she is doing homework, and those moments of knowing she's happy just fill my heart and make it so much easier to get through the tough times! My advice: Build yourself a good support system, learn to ask for help, be hella organized with all the paperwork and stuff, and be a FIERCE advocate for your kid. Older child adoption is incredible - I highly recommend!

Kudos to you. You are an example of what adoption should be about - finding a home for a child in NEED no matter their age. Not finding a baby for people who WANT one.

It is not bad to want a baby. It is, in fact, very normal ;especially if you understand the importance of the first year of life.

It still makes me sad that there was any part of my child’s life I did not share. That is not selfish, it is love.

The selfish aspect is the priority of adoptive parents over birth parents. We need to shift away from the savior construction and more into the welfare of families who want to be families.

NP. I think that shift is already taking place both domestically and internationally which is why there are many fewer babies available than in earlier eras -
[url]https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/10/adopt-baby-cost-process-hard/620258/
[/url]

Foster care systems like DC's are also very focused on family reunification.

OP if you are still reading - I echo prior posters that if you are able - considering donor embryo/embryo adoption/etc is a great alternative option. I didn't think adopting a baby would be the best ethical choice for me (I'd hate to have been able to adopt a baby because another mother was pressured to give hers up, agree that supporting mothers in keeping their kids is best, AND compared to all the other potential adoptive parents out there (and there are so many that want to adopt babies) didn't really feel like I was the best candidate.) Also foster care is meant for family reunifications - not sure I could emotionally handle attaching and then needing to let go and also I have my own trauma history and being a foster parent/adoptive parent of a child who experienced developmental trauma seemed too hard without additional support of partner (which I don't have) or family and not best for the child. I really respect people who are able to help a child in this way but again it didn't seem like something I was best suited for with my history and resources.

I had wanted to do embryo adoption but when covid hit I ended up doing another IVF cycle with frozen donor egg add-on. My child is double donor conceived and I am happy with this decision. I'm also grateful for the biological connection that pregnancy/birth gave us. The big advantage of double donor is that DC will have the option of contact/meeting her donors at 18 whereas the embryo adoption scenarios I was looking at would have been anonymous (but although anonymous is most common, this is not universally true - it can depend on the source of the embryos.) It was more expensive (both the openID sperm was more expensive and using frozen eggs instead of existing embryo was as well) but I really wanted to give DC that option and feel priveleged that I was able to borrow money from a family member to do so. I still worry about potential exploitation of the egg donor which higher risk in US than the international scenario I was looking at preCOVID but just hope that the egg donors consent was fully informed and that it went well for her. I think if you are using a fresh donor you can have more control over the contract/ethics of the scenario but in my case the eggs were already frozen. There can still be identity issues. It seems that most adult donor conceived children who are vocal on-line found out as adolescents/adults and felt a sense of betrayal but that when you are open about their origins from the outset then it is much better for the child and the overwhelming majority feel positive or indifferent about their conception (Data still being collected as it is more recent that it became standard to recommend letting children know at a very young age.) Assuming you yourself don't have an alcohol or drug problem you also don't have to worry about lasting health effects due to prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs which can be common in foster/adopted children.

It is an absolute joy to be a parent and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

If you'd never adopt or foster, why do you have to post long winded rambling comments that are not on topic?

I absolutely would consider fostering if I had a partner. I would also adopt from foster care. I just was responding to the multiple prior suggestions on this thread about embryo adoption etc.

PP, this thread has a crazy troll with low intelligence and poor reading comprehension. She thinks any post that doesn't align with her is "not on topic."

I thought your post was interesting and thoughtful.

This is the topic: I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision.

The adoption process, how it went for those that adopted and are you happy with your decision to adopt!

I get that and that is why I threw in my 2 cents as someone who seriously considered adoption and decided against it. Typically in making a decision people weigh the pros and cons and the alternatives. So in a recent discussion with a friend who is considering adoption we talked about the challenges of adoption and the alternatives which for her is surrogacy. While it’s great to hear success stories it’s also important to know that there are way more potential parents than available babies and for some people it takes years and some are not successful. For me since I was pretty much only willing to adopt through foster care I discussed with my doctor whether I would be suited to do so given my mental health/trauma history and meager support system and our conversation covered the challenges of attachment disorders and other special needs, etc. The psychologist who I had to speak to in order to use donor sperm also discussed other options. Pointing out potentially easier alternatives is relevant and OP can just ignore if not.

Again, no you don't get it. The question is how it went for those who adopted. You didn't adopt. You are just here to cause drama to justify to yourself that you made a good decision not to adopt. You need to get better mental health treatment.