whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated on me and I decided to stay with him, but it has destroyed my trust. So I have all my guards up, which means I’m distant and indifferent most of the time. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.

Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.

and this:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.

Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.

I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!

I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.

I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it.
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms.

That’s an interesting article. Thank you for posting. Somehow it made me feel better and a little less alone. I appreciated that she mentioned that most men didn’t want to interview about this or didn’t really see it as an issue. I always thought it was just my husband or that there was something substantially wrong with my marriage. It turns out this is everywhere.

This article resonated with me. This was my morning this morning (and most mornings)>>> So, a typical story I would hear would be the woman who would say: "In the morning I'm rushing around, I'm getting lunches together, I'm helping the kids finish up their homework and making sure everyone's wearing socks. And my husband sits there drinking his coffee on his phone. He doesn't do it on purpose. He doesn't even realize what's going on around him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

+1. It's -- at best -- an unnecessarily complicated form of masturbation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Here's what it looks like: I ask her what she likes, she says I do it already (oral for example), I ask if there is something she wants to try, she says no, she says she has no fantasies she wants to explore and everything I do is great (we do use toys and she finishes). She just isn't ever, ever in the mood but will do it if I really want it. I know it's hard to believe but I am attractive, fit, nothing overtly wrong. We used to do it all the time, I didn't marry a prude. She just lost desire as I suspect a lot of women do after a while and isn't motivated to get it back. I don't take it personally. It's not me, and I have zero problems attracting other women.

This sounds familiar. And, despite what the sex-doesn't-suffer-unless-someone-is-at-fault crowd might want you to believe, talking to her more, doing chores, and/or treating her better isn't going to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here's what it looks like: I ask her what she likes, she says I do it already (oral for example), I ask if there is something she wants to try, she says no, she says she has no fantasies she wants to explore and everything I do is great (we do use toys and she finishes). She just isn't ever, ever in the mood but will do it if I really want it. I know it's hard to believe but I am attractive, fit, nothing overtly wrong. We used to do it all the time, I didn't marry a prude. She just lost desire as I suspect a lot of women do after a while and isn't motivated to get it back. I don't take it personally. It's not me, and I have zero problems attracting other women.

This sounds familiar. And, despite what the sex-doesn't-suffer-unless-someone-is-at-fault crowd might want you to believe, talking to her more, doing chores, and/or treating her better isn't going to change anything.

Are you fully dressed when you are having these conversations? Like sitting at the kitchen table or something?

Or you are laying in bed, she tells you what she likes, you are doing it, and she just still can’t get into it?

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced now, but I would like to share my experience.

Instead of being proud of me as a partner, my XH viewed me as a competitor. His resentment was visible on his face when I mentioned a small academic accomplishment. He was dismissive of me in front of others, and prioritized everyone else above me. When I was eight months pregnant with our first child, he had us walk to Target instead of paying for an Uber. He was impatient and chastised me the whole way. "Hurry up!" as we walked up the steep street. When we ran into someone he knew, he didn't introduce me because all of his attention was on the other person. At the time I thought it was nerves. Maybe pregnancy made me look vulnerable in his eyes, I thought. I was incredibly fit and strong, so I chalked his behavior up to being nervous about the baby and made room for what I thought was the manifestation of his fears about becoming a father.

His attitude only got worse, and the put-downs and constant irritation just grew. He hated me when we were married! We never became the team we had been before the wedding. He for him, DCUM. Me? A massive annoyance.

I don't know how many other women (or men) out there experience this same sort of cruel competition in their relationships. I hope not! It was a cancer that ate away at any affection I had for him. I did everything I could, short of being less than I am, to bridge the gap between us. I don't compete with anyone. I'm not that type of person. I work hard at everything I do, and all of my friendships are based of mutual admiration. I didn't see this coming. It broke any desire in me to carry on this way. A partner should be a sanctuary, where you are accepted and feel safe.

Maybe it came out as an ultimatum, but after he withdrew even further and failed to support me through the data collection phase of my dissertation, pregnant again with a two year old to care for, I offered him the chance to step up or get out. If he wasn't willing to make an effort to work through his issue, it wasn't going to work out for us.

I was a good wife, and I'm a good mother. He taught me how to be alone in that marriage, in my work, and raising my children. He did an excellent job of working himself out of the marriage.

Undermining your partner, viewing them as Other rather than Beloved, and isolating them within the relationship is a perfect recipe for divorce.

If you see yourself in any of this, please consider how the rest of your life is going to look. Give it your all!!! When you walk away or send them off, you'll sleep better knowing you'd done your best.

He's a miserable older man now, with good money through investments, and a series of empty relationships. He could have been wildly wealthy through the bounty that was his family. The children are remarkable people. But, he doesn't do well with remarkable people. So, he doesn't see his children or support their development in any way. And, knowing how well we're doing as a single-parent family drives him nuts!

Re-think the habit of controlling your partner if you want it to last. Consider the damage to your esteem and the dreams you have, when assessing your relationship. If your partner is a barrier to your continued success in life, maybe you should consider a life without them before you grow comfortable with the dynamic of being placed beneath another person's need to be on top.

Sorry I've gone on so long. I feel like a cancer survivor in remission (not to say they're equal, no). I'm free to succeed and make clumsy mistakes without anyone there to berate me or rejoice. I want the same for you, whoever you are, who's experience the same type of emotional abuse.

Thanks for letting me get this out. It has been years, and I didn't know how much of this shit I've been carrying with me. Whoo, that felt good. Thanks, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

But consider the options for typical DH:
A) sex with uninterested wife
B) affair
C) divorce

good husbands realize and accept that A is the least awful of these choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

But consider the options for typical DH:
A) sex with uninterested wife
B) affair
C) divorce

good husbands realize and accept that A is the least awful of these choices

Well, its a good option for a while, and one I chose for a decade or more but at some point, you come to realize - darn, this is it and unless I chose option b or c I will literally never know what its like to have fun, reciprocal sex again. Meaning, it's not just a phase or pregnant, breastfeeding, toddler, early years, but just what my marriage is. And you will never, ever get to live out any sexual fantasy or explore or have fun other than "be quick" Unless you have BTDT you have no idea what that can feel like. Suddenly, option B sounds like oxygen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

But consider the options for typical DH:
A) sex with uninterested wife
B) affair
C) divorce

good husbands realize and accept that A is the least awful of these choices

D) Get better at masturbation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm divorced now, but I would like to share my experience.

Instead of being proud of me as a partner, my XH viewed me as a competitor. His resentment was visible on his face when I mentioned a small academic accomplishment. He was dismissive of me in front of others, and prioritized everyone else above me. When I was eight months pregnant with our first child, he had us walk to Target instead of paying for an Uber. He was impatient and chastised me the whole way. "Hurry up!" as we walked up the steep street. When we ran into someone he knew, he didn't introduce me because all of his attention was on the other person. At the time I thought it was nerves. Maybe pregnancy made me look vulnerable in his eyes, I thought. I was incredibly fit and strong, so I chalked his behavior up to being nervous about the baby and made room for what I thought was the manifestation of his fears about becoming a father.

His attitude only got worse, and the put-downs and constant irritation just grew. He hated me when we were married! We never became the team we had been before the wedding. He for him, DCUM. Me? A massive annoyance.

I don't know how many other women (or men) out there experience this same sort of cruel competition in their relationships. I hope not! It was a cancer that ate away at any affection I had for him. I did everything I could, short of being less than I am, to bridge the gap between us. I don't compete with anyone. I'm not that type of person. I work hard at everything I do, and all of my friendships are based of mutual admiration. I didn't see this coming. It broke any desire in me to carry on this way. A partner should be a sanctuary, where you are accepted and feel safe.

Maybe it came out as an ultimatum, but after he withdrew even further and failed to support me through the data collection phase of my dissertation, pregnant again with a two year old to care for, I offered him the chance to step up or get out. If he wasn't willing to make an effort to work through his issue, it wasn't going to work out for us.

I was a good wife, and I'm a good mother. He taught me how to be alone in that marriage, in my work, and raising my children. He did an excellent job of working himself out of the marriage.

Undermining your partner, viewing them as Other rather than Beloved, and isolating them within the relationship is a perfect recipe for divorce.

If you see yourself in any of this, please consider how the rest of your life is going to look. Give it your all!!! When you walk away or send them off, you'll sleep better knowing you'd done your best.

He's a miserable older man now, with good money through investments, and a series of empty relationships. He could have been wildly wealthy through the bounty that was his family. The children are remarkable people. But, he doesn't do well with remarkable people. So, he doesn't see his children or support their development in any way. And, knowing how well we're doing as a single-parent family drives him nuts!

Re-think the habit of controlling your partner if you want it to last. Consider the damage to your esteem and the dreams you have, when assessing your relationship. If your partner is a barrier to your continued success in life, maybe you should consider a life without them before you grow comfortable with the dynamic of being placed beneath another person's need to be on top.

Sorry I've gone on so long. I feel like a cancer survivor in remission (not to say they're equal, no). I'm free to succeed and make clumsy mistakes without anyone there to berate me or rejoice. I want the same for you, whoever you are, who's experience the same type of emotional abuse.

Thanks for letting me get this out. It has been years, and I didn't know how much of this shit I've been carrying with me. Whoo, that felt good. Thanks, DCUM!

My XH was like this, it’s really truly a horrible dynamic. I am glad I got out. My DH has his own set of issues but I can tackle all of them, that competition drove me insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

But consider the options for typical DH:
A) sex with uninterested wife
B) affair
C) divorce

good husbands realize and accept that A is the least awful of these choices

D) Get better at masturbation.

You meant B) ..... but go on thinking that D is a legit option, I don't want to burst your bubble

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

But consider the options for typical DH:
A) sex with uninterested wife
B) affair
C) divorce

good husbands realize and accept that A is the least awful of these choices

D) Get better at masturbation.

You meant B) ..... but go on thinking that D is a legit option, I don't want to burst your bubble

Unless you’re the angry sexless guy, any option except b is the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Don’t y’all think it’s all biology?
First it’s to attract a mate to have kids, then it’s to rear kids and keep the mate to help, then if another female is interested suddenly the male needs to be kept from straying (and endangering the kids’ wellbeing), thus renewed interest in sex.
I am surprised how much the component of “we need the male to stay and take care of us” is still there. It is achieved through divorce stigma, big child support and alimony payouts, etc. BTW the latter I support, the former not so much. It’s not healthy to have to contain sexual energy... there needs to be a low risk low cost solution. I don’t know what it will be exactly but won’t society find it one day?
I am a woman fwiw whose ex could never get enough but then gave up, became a prick and left eventually. I have my own gripes with him so I wasn’t heartbroken, but I totally understand his reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

Well, yes, because it gets close to feeling like a rape situation.