whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t y’all think it’s all biology?
First it’s to attract a mate to have kids, then it’s to rear kids and keep the mate to help, then if another female is interested suddenly the male needs to be kept from straying (and endangering the kids’ wellbeing), thus renewed interest in sex.
I am surprised how much the component of “we need the male to stay and take care of us” is still there. It is achieved through divorce stigma, big child support and alimony payouts, etc. BTW the latter I support, the former not so much. It’s not healthy to have to contain sexual energy... there needs to be a low risk low cost solution. I don’t know what it will be exactly but won’t society find it one day?
I am a woman fwiw whose ex could never get enough but then gave up, became a prick and left eventually. I have my own gripes with him so I wasn’t heartbroken, but I totally understand his reasoning.

I know what you mean. At the end of the day, it's biology. It doesn't excuse cheating but it's not always about the relationship. It's ok if it's someones deal breaker, it's not mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.

Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.

and this:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.

Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.

I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!

I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.

I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it.
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms.

That’s an interesting article. Thank you for posting. Somehow it made me feel better and a little less alone. I appreciated that she mentioned that most men didn’t want to interview about this or didn’t really see it as an issue. I always thought it was just my husband or that there was something substantially wrong with my marriage. It turns out this is everywhere.

This article resonated with me. This was my morning this morning (and most mornings)>>> So, a typical story I would hear would be the woman who would say: "In the morning I'm rushing around, I'm getting lunches together, I'm helping the kids finish up their homework and making sure everyone's wearing socks. And my husband sits there drinking his coffee on his phone. He doesn't do it on purpose. He doesn't even realize what's going on around him."

Hm. I am a wife who sits there drinking coffee. The reason is that I strongly object to my DHs insistence on doing everything and not making our kids do any work or chores. Our kids are teens, tweens, and almost-tweens. They absolutely can make their own lunches. They can fix their own breakfast. Frankly, I think they should. At their age, I was doing far more than just making my lunch/breakfast, and my kids don't even do that when DH is around. When my DH travels for business, I tell the kids that they need to pitch in, and it's so much better. As it turns out, the kids are perfectly capable of doing chores.

This is an issue in my marriage, that my DHs anxiety and controlling streak is handicapping our kids. He will unload dishes they put in the dishwasher because they're not organized to DHs liking. He is a hoarder and won't let the kids toss their own old art projects without his green light (I am pretty sure he is angry at me that I absolutely will not check in with him before decluttering, but at least has the sense to not say anything to me). I make the kids do their own laundry. He fumes because they "take too long," but that's because he will just swoop in and do it for them.

I read things like this, and I really wonder what the real dynamic is. I am not going to participate in this controlling infantilization of our kids and want them to be marginally competent at house chores, but from the outside: yes, I just sit there and drink my coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t y’all think it’s all biology?
First it’s to attract a mate to have kids, then it’s to rear kids and keep the mate to help, then if another female is interested suddenly the male needs to be kept from straying (and endangering the kids’ wellbeing), thus renewed interest in sex.
I am surprised how much the component of “we need the male to stay and take care of us” is still there. It is achieved through divorce stigma, big child support and alimony payouts, etc. BTW the latter I support, the former not so much. It’s not healthy to have to contain sexual energy... there needs to be a low risk low cost solution. I don’t know what it will be exactly but won’t society find it one day?
I am a woman fwiw whose ex could never get enough but then gave up, became a prick and left eventually. I have my own gripes with him so I wasn’t heartbroken, but I totally understand his reasoning.

I know what you mean. At the end of the day, it's biology. It doesn't excuse cheating but it's not always about the relationship. It's ok if it's someones deal breaker, it's not mine

It explains why people don’t want their old partners anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

OMG does this whole thread make me so glad I never married!

Sounds like there are a lot of miserable people out there.

[Anonymous]

This thread is about what people don’t like in their marriage and so that is the viewpoint you’re getting. Not many happy people post on here.

[Anonymous]

When people talk about a wife who refuses to have sex with her husband...I am confused about the alternative.

Who wants charity sex? Someone who is phoning it in? Counting the seconds until it is over? Get a blow up doll

[Anonymous]

MIL lives with us. Husband caters to her every whim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people talk about a wife who refuses to have sex with her husband...I am confused about the alternative.

Who wants charity sex? Someone who is phoning it in? Counting the seconds until it is over? Get a blow up doll

Get another cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like almost all issues in a given couple all boil down to one root issue that explodes in different ways at different times for that couple.

What's yours?

I'll share mine down thread but don't want to make the way i'm thinking about it that way everyone reacts to this thread.

We are completely different people with completely different outlooks and neither respects the other's outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like almost all issues in a given couple all boil down to one root issue that explodes in different ways at different times for that couple.

What's yours?

I'll share mine down thread but don't want to make the way i'm thinking about it that way everyone reacts to this thread.

We are completely different people with completely different outlooks and neither respects the other's outlook.

Also, my husband is emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives with us. Husband caters to her every whim.

Is she sick? Difficulty caring for self? Poor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

I'm confused. Can you give a specific example? How could you not realize your values differed or your spouse has Asberger's?

please call it Aspergers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not perfect. But those of you saying things like your partner has no values or has Asbergers or you disagree on literally everything – why did you get married? Serious question.

It was well hidden after we got married and had kids

Should say hidden until after we got married and had kids. Then it all came out!

I'm confused. Can you give a specific example? How could you not realize your values differed or your spouse has Asberger's?

please call it Aspergers!

DP. +1, I keep reading it as ass burgers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives with us. Husband caters to her every whim.

Is she sick? Difficulty caring for self? Poor?

no she is perfectly healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives with us. Husband caters to her every whim.

Is she sick? Difficulty caring for self? Poor?

no she is perfectly healthy.

And not poor.