whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ it did get better over time but it took some time.

To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.

It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.

It makes sense. But it ends up being pretty subjective and something of a moving target. It's easy for a husband to think he's doing a lot of these things with just no results at all. And if he talks to his wife, maybe she'll say, "well, not like that, maybe like this" and it sounds like a lot of goalpost moving, like maybe it was never going to work in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong? 2 yrs ago he tells me he's functionally illiterate and my being pissed and feeling stupid for not knowing.

Early on I took care of all details concerning money, retirement planning, buying house, taxes, insurance...all the stuff that matters for a stable future. When kids came along, I could still handle it all until my career took off and kids moved into teenage years and needed more than just him being their social secretary and chauffeur. As I asked him to take on some of the financial details and decisions for kids future (FAFSA, CSS Profile or just completing something of the darn forms for ANYTHING...he always needed "help" to get it done. Constantly asking, "can you show me". Nobody showed me a darn thing, I just got online and figured it out. Even our teenage kids got sick of him always asking for "help" to find this, or do that. Ugh!!.

I chalked it up to him being too lazy and it being my fault bcse I did it all before. I stayed bcse of kids and now that they are launched I told him I was leaving, he asked way, I gave list of reasons (all of which I had been saying for 8 YEARS!!). That's when he spills the beans that he CAN read, but doesn't know what a lot of stuff means. WTF? Was I so desperate for a mate 30 years ago that I could not see that?

He's a great dad and would give you the clothes off his back. He has no motivation and recently his self confidence and esteem seems to have left. However, he swears he is so HAPPY. What I see is a man happily content in his mediocrity. I knew it was truly over when I asked if he was going to find a literacy program and he said - why?

You will owe him alimony.

PP sounds pretty mean imo. After 30 years it's not going to be a picnic when you want to see your kids around the holidays. Them having to go to different homes, putting up with new steps and their kids. I can work with a nice guy and great dad. PP can outsource and find him a online reading program if he's embarrassed. I'm saying there's a LOT worse out there. Some of the women I know truly have horrible husbands and 2nd husbands. Plus after 30 years he may be a little smarter than pp thinks...or his lawyer!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong? 2 yrs ago he tells me he's functionally illiterate and my being pissed and feeling stupid for not knowing.

Early on I took care of all details concerning money, retirement planning, buying house, taxes, insurance...all the stuff that matters for a stable future. When kids came along, I could still handle it all until my career took off and kids moved into teenage years and needed more than just him being their social secretary and chauffeur. As I asked him to take on some of the financial details and decisions for kids future (FAFSA, CSS Profile or just completing something of the darn forms for ANYTHING...he always needed "help" to get it done. Constantly asking, "can you show me". Nobody showed me a darn thing, I just got online and figured it out. Even our teenage kids got sick of him always asking for "help" to find this, or do that. Ugh!!.

I chalked it up to him being too lazy and it being my fault bcse I did it all before. I stayed bcse of kids and now that they are launched I told him I was leaving, he asked way, I gave list of reasons (all of which I had been saying for 8 YEARS!!). That's when he spills the beans that he CAN read, but doesn't know what a lot of stuff means. WTF? Was I so desperate for a mate 30 years ago that I could not see that?

He's a great dad and would give you the clothes off his back. He has no motivation and recently his self confidence and esteem seems to have left. However, he swears he is so HAPPY. What I see is a man happily content in his mediocrity. I knew it was truly over when I asked if he was going to find a literacy program and he said - why?

You will owe him alimony.

PP sounds pretty mean imo. After 30 years it's not going to be a picnic when you want to see your kids around the holidays. Them having to go to different homes, putting up with new steps and their kids. I can work with a nice guy and great dad. PP can outsource and find him a online reading program if he's embarrassed. I'm saying there's a LOT worse out there. Some of the women I know truly have horrible husbands and 2nd husbands. Plus after 30 years he may be a little smarter than pp thinks...or his lawyer!!!

There's nothing mean about it. It's just a fact. If he has a smart attorney and can prove the poster is supporting the husband, and handling everything else, she will need to provide support to compensate for the difference in incomes. It's not discrimination, it's fair and goes according to the laws. Now, if the poster is wildly exaggerating, that's difference. There are many mixed SES marriages that are successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's cool for men to think cheating is the answer to not getting sex from his wife, then women should start hiring another nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper etc for not getting help with what she needs from DH and that would be ok with the man right?

Honestly, I don’t want to spend my money on all of this stuff. I do think that if a man doesn’t help with his kids and the running of the household, then he should give up his parental rights, and I should be able to go live wherever I want with people who ARE helpful and supportive.

I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t want to fight over custody of the kids. I just need some help for a few years in order to raise them. And the help I need isn’t located near your dream job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Make him do the dishwasher. Shuts my SO every time. Having a stay at home parent coddle him, clean everything, etc, has been really difficult to untrain because there is a knee-jerk resentfulness reality is no longer responding to the entitlement his family cultivated. Basic things like dishes had to be reframed as hallmarks of adult/manhood. Don't tolerate the criticism. No jerkoff or twat behavior should be directed at a family member over these minor things.

If you are a stay at home spouse, IT IS YOUR JOB to cook, clean, do the dishes, take care of kids, etc. Stop being useless, lazy, and entitled.

Wait. Are you saying that the above poster should have her MIL move in as the full time maid? At what point does it stop being YOUR JOB to do your children’s dishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's cool for men to think cheating is the answer to not getting sex from his wife, then women should start hiring another nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper etc for not getting help with what she needs from DH and that would be ok with the man right?

Honestly, I don’t want to spend my money on all of this stuff. I do think that if a man doesn’t help with his kids and the running of the household, then he should give up his parental rights, and I should be able to go live wherever I want with people who ARE helpful and supportive.

I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t want to fight over custody of the kids. I just need some help for a few years in order to raise them. And the help I need isn’t located near your dream job.

"If my husband won't do my job after he comes home from doing his own job, then he should give up his parental rights."

Boy I bet he's glad he married a peach like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Make him do the dishwasher. Shuts my SO every time. Having a stay at home parent coddle him, clean everything, etc, has been really difficult to untrain because there is a knee-jerk resentfulness reality is no longer responding to the entitlement his family cultivated. Basic things like dishes had to be reframed as hallmarks of adult/manhood. Don't tolerate the criticism. No jerkoff or twat behavior should be directed at a family member over these minor things.

If you are a stay at home spouse, IT IS YOUR JOB to cook, clean, do the dishes, take care of kids, etc. Stop being useless, lazy, and entitled.

Wait. Are you saying that the above poster should have her MIL move in as the full time maid? At what point does it stop being YOUR JOB to do your children’s dishes?

No, I am saying that if she is a SAHM then [i]she[i] should do her job. Nobody else. No maids, no nannies, no in-laws. DO YOUR FSCKING JOB.

And yes, part of your job is teaching your kids not to be slobs, and in due course, to do their own dishes and laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's cool for men to think cheating is the answer to not getting sex from his wife, then women should start hiring another nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper etc for not getting help with what she needs from DH and that would be ok with the man right?

Honestly, I don’t want to spend my money on all of this stuff. I do think that if a man doesn’t help with his kids and the running of the household, then he should give up his parental rights, and I should be able to go live wherever I want with people who ARE helpful and supportive.

I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t want to fight over custody of the kids. I just need some help for a few years in order to raise them. And the help I need isn’t located near your dream job.

"If my husband won't do my job after he comes home from doing his own job, then he should give up his parental rights."

Boy I bet he's glad he married a peach like you.

Why is all of this MY job?

Like I said, there are plenty of people who don’t feel that way and are willing help me parent my kids. They WANT to play football with my boys or have us over for a meal sometimes. If DH doesn’t want to do that, then why should I have to live with him?

Anyway, I feel like if men can cheat if their wives won’t have sex with them, then women should be able to move to where they can get emotional support while raising kids.

[Anonymous]

When both spouses work outside the home, all kid and home tasks are both of their responsibility. Period. Man doesn't want to do his fair share, than the wife can hire someone who will. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's cool for men to think cheating is the answer to not getting sex from his wife, then women should start hiring another nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper etc for not getting help with what she needs from DH and that would be ok with the man right?

Man here, and sure, I think this is more than fair and I would absolutely trade paying for all these things if my wife was cool with me having a lover on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ it did get better over time but it took some time.

To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.

It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.

Man who had an affair and I get this. Easier said than done. I thought about the way I treated AP - flirted with her, made her feel special, listened to her, brought her occasional small gifts - and realized I wasn't doing that for my wife. Problem is, even if I sent her flirty texts or gifts, she wouldn't be receptive to either. Point being, the wife has to be responsive to advances for this to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ it did get better over time but it took some time.

To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.

It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.

Man who had an affair and I get this. Easier said than done. I thought about the way I treated AP - flirted with her, made her feel special, listened to her, brought her occasional small gifts - and realized I wasn't doing that for my wife. Problem is, even if I sent her flirty texts or gifts, she wouldn't be receptive to either. Point being, the wife has to be responsive to advances for this to work.

I think it's about patience. How long has it been since you put in the effort for your wife, especially after kids were born (I assume it's kids you both wanted). So expecting that now you start doing these things now will immediately lead to results doesn't make logical sense. Think about it: you treat someone else better than your wife who is doing all of this work for your family and then expect more out of your wife? This is why I often want to ask: how about you do all of the stuff your wife does for home/kids/social life for a year and ask her that she focuses on herself/sex drive and then see what happens?

I think how a wife feels about herself is somewhat of a reflection on how the husband treats her. Therefore, I don't buy the premise that a husband cheats because of no sex in the marriage. My question is what kind of a husband has he been to the wife? That is why I believe cheating by a husband is an action that has to stand on it own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ it did get better over time but it took some time.

To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.

It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.

Man who had an affair and I get this. Easier said than done. I thought about the way I treated AP - flirted with her, made her feel special, listened to her, brought her occasional small gifts - and realized I wasn't doing that for my wife. Problem is, even if I sent her flirty texts or gifts, she wouldn't be receptive to either. Point being, the wife has to be responsive to advances for this to work.

Your wife might not be responsive to flirtation if you have not reached the level of being an equal partner in your day to day life. For example, if she is doing the bulk of the chores, social planning, child rearing, and financial planning, she doesn’t have any bandwidth to respond to romantic overtures from you.

DH probably does more chores than I do. But he is too tired to be romantic a lot. We are both tired at this stage in life!

[Anonymous]

Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.

Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.

Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.

No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.