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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I'm divorced now, but I would like to share my experience.

Instead of being proud of me as a partner, my XH viewed me as a competitor. His resentment was visible on his face when I mentioned a small academic accomplishment. He was dismissive of me in front of others, and prioritized everyone else above me. When I was eight months pregnant with our first child, he had us walk to Target instead of paying for an Uber. He was impatient and chastised me the whole way. "Hurry up!" as we walked up the steep street. When we ran into someone he knew, he didn't introduce me because all of his attention was on the other person. At the time I thought it was nerves. Maybe pregnancy made me look vulnerable in his eyes, I thought. I was incredibly fit and strong, so I chalked his behavior up to being nervous about the baby and made room for what I thought was the manifestation of his fears about becoming a father.

His attitude only got worse, and the put-downs and constant irritation just grew. He hated me when we were married! We never became the team we had been before the wedding. He for him, DCUM. Me? A massive annoyance.

I don't know how many other women (or men) out there experience this same sort of cruel competition in their relationships. I hope not! It was a cancer that ate away at any affection I had for him. I did everything I could, short of being less than I am, to bridge the gap between us. I don't compete with anyone. I'm not that type of person. I work hard at everything I do, and all of my friendships are based of mutual admiration. I didn't see this coming. It broke any desire in me to carry on this way. A partner should be a sanctuary, where you are accepted and feel safe.

Maybe it came out as an ultimatum, but after he withdrew even further and failed to support me through the data collection phase of my dissertation, pregnant again with a two year old to care for, I offered him the chance to step up or get out. If he wasn't willing to make an effort to work through his issue, it wasn't going to work out for us.

I was a good wife, and I'm a good mother. He taught me how to be alone in that marriage, in my work, and raising my children. He did an excellent job of working himself out of the marriage.

Undermining your partner, viewing them as Other rather than Beloved, and isolating them within the relationship is a perfect recipe for divorce.

If you see yourself in any of this, please consider how the rest of your life is going to look. Give it your all!!! When you walk away or send them off, you'll sleep better knowing you'd done your best.

He's a miserable older man now, with good money through investments, and a series of empty relationships. He could have been wildly wealthy through the bounty that was his family. The children are remarkable people. But, he doesn't do well with remarkable people. So, he doesn't see his children or support their development in any way. And, knowing how well we're doing as a single-parent family drives him nuts!

Re-think the habit of controlling your partner if you want it to last. Consider the damage to your esteem and the dreams you have, when assessing your relationship. If your partner is a barrier to your continued success in life, maybe you should consider a life without them before you grow comfortable with the dynamic of being placed beneath another person's need to be on top.

Sorry I've gone on so long. I feel like a cancer survivor in remission (not to say they're equal, no). I'm free to succeed and make clumsy mistakes without anyone there to berate me or rejoice. I want the same for you, whoever you are, who's experience the same type of emotional abuse.

Thanks for letting me get this out. It has been years, and I didn't know how much of this shit I've been carrying with me. Whoo, that felt good. Thanks, DCUM!

[/quote]

My XH was like this, it’s really truly a horrible dynamic. I am glad I got out. My DH has his own set of issues but I can tackle all of them, that competition drove me insane.[/quote]

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