Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

A couple things:

*grandma should’ve told birthday party kid’s parents that she really hopes to come to the party and is honored to be invited but that *if* other daughter goes into labor/has baby early, she’ll probably have to go there instead. This way bday party kid’s parents know what to expect. My daughter’s 2nd bday party was scheduled for the same day my nephew wound up being born in a different city. So I’ve actually been in this exact same situation. But my parents had told me as soon as I invited them to my daughter’s party that they’d 100% be there unless my SIL went into labor/gave birth then. Of course I totally understood that they were prioritizing my newborn nephew in that case. But it helped that they had already discussed this w us beforehand so we knew what they’d do in that scenario.

*assuming no complications w newborn or postpartum mom, grandma should’ve still acknowledged birthday kid and communicated w bday kid’s parents—by calling them ASAP to schedule a different time to come celebrate bday kid or by sending a nice gift or FaceTiming bday kid—something! So that bday kid’s family doesn’t wind up feeling slighted.

Grandma is the one who messed up in this situation. And likely grandma is the reason the 3 adult kids don’t get along. Too bad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, it is VERY telling that you have said not one word of excitement or care about your new niece or nephew. That precious baby is not guilty of doing or saying anything to hurt or manipulate you.

That’s a good point. She is just focused on the attention being taken away from her child on her child’s birthday- which sounds objectively childish and self centered. I don’t doubt that her sister is an attention seeker, but in this objective situation (even though OP clearly
Couldn’t tell the story objectively, it was obvious from the first post which sister she was and which sister she disliked), it’s a no brainer that the grandma should
Visit the newborn in the hospital.

No
She can go the next day.

And she can also visit the toddler the next day. The toddler will love a second birthday “celebration”. The newborn won’t be in the hospital the next day.

Why does the visit have to be at the hospital?

Is this an earnest question? If it is- visiting the new mom and baby at the hospital is often a big event, sort of a rite of passage. It would be uncommon for a grandparent to skip it for a birthday party. So uncommon, that if someone heard “oh her mom was going to come.l visit her and baby in the hospital but she’d already made plans”, it would immediately be assumed the grandma was aloof and uncaring .

It's really not a rite of passage though. And it would not be uncommon for a grandparent to come a day later in order to attend a gathering in honor of another grandkid she already committed to.

But if the new mom called her mom and asked her to come- after giving birth a month early!- it would in fact be unusual for the grandma to say no. For any reason. Neither daughter comes across as particularly pleasant IMO but the bottom line is, the birth of a new baby trumps a toddler birthday party under normal, non-dysfunctional circumstances.

Not true

I am really surprised to see one or more people really thinking that if they were in the hospital, gave birth 3-4 weeks early, called their mom and said “please come visit us in the hospital tomorrow morning I just had the baby early!”…. that they’d be totally fine with their mom saying “oh well your sisters kid has his 3rd birthday celebration tomorrow and I did RSVP already so how about I skip the after birth visit and just see you once you get home the day after?” Because if that were me- in the hormonal , vulnerable state after having a baby- I’d have been crushed that my mother declined to come when I asked. Because of a toddler birthday party. On the other hand if I were the birthday mom and learned my sister had a baby, I would assume my mom (grandma) wouldn’t come to my party anymore and if she did, I’d be flabbergasted. It’s a toddler cake celebration! We can do another in a few days, which would thrill him anyways!

Continue to be flabbergasted. Id want my Mom to go to the party. The hell is she going to do for me and my perfectly healthy baby that can't be done the next day or the day after?

This, right here. Go to the party, come see me and baby after.

[Anonymous]

Visiting my adult kid who just had a baby (don’t care if it’s her first baby or her 5th) would absolutely take precedence over going to a bday party (or any other event except *maybe* a once in a lifetime thing like a wedding or funeral for someone I was close to) but it would be really, really hard to convince me that anything is more important than meeting a new grandchild right away/ASAP and being there for my adult DD who just gave birth ASAP.

However, I would’ve told my other daughter this in a kind way acknowledging her feelings about her kid’s bday party, apologizing for missing it, sending a nice gift in my absence, and calling as soon as I could to make alternate plans to do something special with the birthday kid at a different time.

I don’t play favorites w my kids or grandkids but visiting newborn grandchild and their parents in hospital immediately after birth is an opportunity you only have once.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is VERY telling that you have said not one word of excitement or care about your new niece or nephew. That precious baby is not guilty of doing or saying anything to hurt or manipulate you.

That’s a good point. She is just focused on the attention being taken away from her child on her child’s birthday- which sounds objectively childish and self centered. I don’t doubt that her sister is an attention seeker, but in this objective situation (even though OP clearly
Couldn’t tell the story objectively, it was obvious from the first post which sister she was and which sister she disliked), it’s a no brainer that the grandma should
Visit the newborn in the hospital.

No
She can go the next day.

And she can also visit the toddler the next day. The toddler will love a second birthday “celebration”. The newborn won’t be in the hospital the next day.

Why does the visit have to be at the hospital?

Is this an earnest question? If it is- visiting the new mom and baby at the hospital is often a big event, sort of a rite of passage. It would be uncommon for a grandparent to skip it for a birthday party. So uncommon, that if someone heard “oh her mom was going to come.l visit her and baby in the hospital but she’d already made plans”, it would immediately be assumed the grandma was aloof and uncaring .

I don't think it's being universally true and it wasn't just vague plans it was a planned birthday party visit for her other grandchild.

Baby born early trumps a birthday party that occurs every year, especially for a child so young OP doesn’t even know if he will lnow grandma isn’t there.

Baby and mom are healthy. 3 weeks is not early.

Now you’re just being a troll.

Again someone disagreeing with you and giving facts doesn't make them a troll. According to op the baby was 3 weeks early , 37 weeks is considered full term. Also according to the op mom and baby were healthy. People are acting like this was an emergency and it wasn't.

I actually do think you are a troll because it’s just wild to be arguing that 3 weeks isn’t early. I mean, come on. You’re just trying to keep this debate going in bad faith at this point aka troll.

NP. I went into labor at 36/6 and my DS was born a few hours into starting week 37. Medical records list him as a full term birth (I noticed this because my second came even sooner and she is noted as preterm). This was within the past decade.

Regardless, I don’t think weeks matter. My 36/37 weekers came home without issue and I’ve known people with 38+ week babies who have had complications and required NICU treatment.

I guess I just don’t see why a visit with a newborn has to happen on a specific date and that date just *has* to be the other grandchild’s first birthday. But my parents live out of state so we’ve always had airfare logistics after ours were born. It didn’t feel like that big of a deal if my mom flew up on day 5 vs day 2 or whatever.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is VERY telling that you have said not one word of excitement or care about your new niece or nephew. That precious baby is not guilty of doing or saying anything to hurt or manipulate you.

That’s a good point. She is just focused on the attention being taken away from her child on her child’s birthday- which sounds objectively childish and self centered. I don’t doubt that her sister is an attention seeker, but in this objective situation (even though OP clearly
Couldn’t tell the story objectively, it was obvious from the first post which sister she was and which sister she disliked), it’s a no brainer that the grandma should
Visit the newborn in the hospital.

No
She can go the next day.

And she can also visit the toddler the next day. The toddler will love a second birthday “celebration”. The newborn won’t be in the hospital the next day.

Why does the visit have to be at the hospital?

Is this an earnest question? If it is- visiting the new mom and baby at the hospital is often a big event, sort of a rite of passage. It would be uncommon for a grandparent to skip it for a birthday party. So uncommon, that if someone heard “oh her mom was going to come.l visit her and baby in the hospital but she’d already made plans”, it would immediately be assumed the grandma was aloof and uncaring .

It's really not a rite of passage though. And it would not be uncommon for a grandparent to come a day later in order to attend a gathering in honor of another grandkid she already committed to.

But if the new mom called her mom and asked her to come- after giving birth a month early!- it would in fact be unusual for the grandma to say no. For any reason. Neither daughter comes across as particularly pleasant IMO but the bottom line is, the birth of a new baby trumps a toddler birthday party under normal, non-dysfunctional circumstances.

Not true

I am really surprised to see one or more people really thinking that if they were in the hospital, gave birth 3-4 weeks early, called their mom and said “please come visit us in the hospital tomorrow morning I just had the baby early!”…. that they’d be totally fine with their mom saying “oh well your sisters kid has his 3rd birthday celebration tomorrow and I did RSVP already so how about I skip the after birth visit and just see you once you get home the day after?” Because if that were me- in the hormonal , vulnerable state after having a baby- I’d have been crushed that my mother declined to come when I asked. Because of a toddler birthday party. On the other hand if I were the birthday mom and learned my sister had a baby, I would assume my mom (grandma) wouldn’t come to my party anymore and if she did, I’d be flabbergasted. It’s a toddler cake celebration! We can do another in a few days, which would thrill him anyways!

Continue to be flabbergasted. Id want my Mom to go to the party. The hell is she going to do for me and my perfectly healthy baby that can't be done the next day or the day after?

This, right here. Go to the party, come see me and baby after.

See my newborn who hasn’t had shots right after attending a party?! No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple things:

*grandma should’ve told birthday party kid’s parents that she really hopes to come to the party and is honored to be invited but that *if* other daughter goes into labor/has baby early, she’ll probably have to go there instead. This way bday party kid’s parents know what to expect. …

Grandma is the one who messed up in this situation. And likely grandma is the reason the 3 adult kids don’t get along. Too bad.

I don’t feel like this is the kind of thing that needs to be said since it’s so obvious and any sister should be accommodating. The baby came early, and Grandma and sister have been estranged. She didn’t expect to be reached out and wants to make sure she accepts the peace offering. The grandkid will have a birthday every single year! She can do a FaceTime
with him to be there virtually when he cuts his cake etc.

[Anonymous]

Grandma should have gone to see the newborn. I’m glad she made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP is “crazy” or “lying.” If you find this whole story weird or impossible to picture, consider yourself very very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is VERY telling that you have said not one word of excitement or care about your new niece or nephew. That precious baby is not guilty of doing or saying anything to hurt or manipulate you.

That’s a good point. She is just focused on the attention being taken away from her child on her child’s birthday- which sounds objectively childish and self centered. I don’t doubt that her sister is an attention seeker, but in this objective situation (even though OP clearly
Couldn’t tell the story objectively, it was obvious from the first post which sister she was and which sister she disliked), it’s a no brainer that the grandma should
Visit the newborn in the hospital.

No
She can go the next day.

And she can also visit the toddler the next day. The toddler will love a second birthday “celebration”. The newborn won’t be in the hospital the next day.

Why does the visit have to be at the hospital?

Is this an earnest question? If it is- visiting the new mom and baby at the hospital is often a big event, sort of a rite of passage. It would be uncommon for a grandparent to skip it for a birthday party. So uncommon, that if someone heard “oh her mom was going to come.l visit her and baby in the hospital but she’d already made plans”, it would immediately be assumed the grandma was aloof and uncaring .

It's really not a rite of passage though. And it would not be uncommon for a grandparent to come a day later in order to attend a gathering in honor of another grandkid she already committed to.

But if the new mom called her mom and asked her to come- after giving birth a month early!- it would in fact be unusual for the grandma to say no. For any reason. Neither daughter comes across as particularly pleasant IMO but the bottom line is, the birth of a new baby trumps a toddler birthday party under normal, non-dysfunctional circumstances.

It’s unusual to ice out your mother in your last trimester of pregnancy and then call and ask her to come on only one specific day. So lots of unusualness here.

The poster who keeps harping about "one specific day" seems to miss the fact that the "one specific day" is the day after the birth, aka the very first day the mom can probably have a visitor unless she wanted her mom present for the birth (I, for one, did not want either parent present for me pushing the baby out). And also likely ONLY day mom could visit them in the hospital, which in many families/ American culture, is a big deal (yes, not for everyone, but for MANY people). I would agree that the new mom was being ridiculous if she was already home with the baby and wanted her mom to come ONLY on day 5, not on day 4 or day 6, barring some specific medical issue. But to want her mom to come as soon as possible after the baby is born is relatively normal

However, since everyone in this family seems to be terrible, it only makes sense that the new mom is semi estranged from her mother, the birthday mom resents her mother visiting her sibling, and that no one gets along with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple things:

*grandma should’ve told birthday party kid’s parents that she really hopes to come to the party and is honored to be invited but that *if* other daughter goes into labor/has baby early, she’ll probably have to go there instead. This way bday party kid’s parents know what to expect. …

Grandma is the one who messed up in this situation. And likely grandma is the reason the 3 adult kids don’t get along. Too bad.

I don’t feel like this is the kind of thing that needs to be said since it’s so obvious and any sister should be accommodating. The baby came early, and Grandma and sister have been estranged. She didn’t expect to be reached out and wants to make sure she accepts the peace offering. The grandkid will have a birthday every single year! She can do a FaceTime
with him to be there virtually when he cuts his cake etc.

This. If grandma and the mom who just gave birth had been on good terms, this would have all been worked out ahead of time (although perhaps not, since the baby came 3 weeks early which is unexpected). But since they had not been on good terms, and this was an unexpected peace offering to visit them in the hospital- grandma declining would have probably permanently severed that relationship. As dysfunctional as everyone here sounds, grandma made the only rational choice. Not because of emotional blackmail, but because this is what most normal families would do (prioritize the birth, reschedule the small family birthday party), it's just that the situation arrived unexpectedly in this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP is “crazy” or “lying.” If you find this whole story weird or impossible to picture, consider yourself very very lucky.

I didn't see anyone accusing her of lying. She does come across as selfish, even when telling the story in a "neutral way" (aka very obviously trying to paint the picture in her own favor from the first post onwards- it was always very clear which mom she was!), so she doesn't look great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP is “crazy” or “lying.” If you find this whole story weird or impossible to picture, consider yourself very very lucky.

It is reasonable, however, to doubt OPs narrative given that her supposedly neutral retelling of the story immediately betrayed her as birthday mom. Also, her self-description as laid-back simply does not match her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- details and timing of events have been changed, don’t get too worked up - I didn’t put much time into this but wanted it to be somewhat vague. Suffice to say, the relationship has not been great.

I mean, you came in here to poll people and presumably look for support for your own position, but I guess changed the details enough you could ignore everyone who disagrees with you. I would take a good look in the mirror.

It’s a new baby! That’s a happy thing. Little inconveniences that result are just part of life. Be happy for a healthy new baby in the world, if you can’t be happy for a new baby in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again- details and timing of events have been changed, don’t get too worked up - I didn’t put much time into this but wanted it to be somewhat vague. Suffice to say, the relationship has not been great.

I mean, you came in here to poll people and presumably look for support for your own position, but I guess changed the details enough you could ignore everyone who disagrees with you. I would take a good look in the mirror.

It’s a new baby! That’s a happy thing. Little inconveniences that result are just part of life. Be happy for a healthy new baby in the world, if you can’t be happy for a new baby in your family.

This is good advice, OP.
You may not like that your sister had a new baby and it pulled your mom away from your child temporarily- you may, deep down, not like that your mom and your sister might be getting along again- these are feelings that you should work out on your own or in therapy (this is not a snarky comment, I truly believe therapy could help most individuals with complicated families).

[Anonymous]

The grandparent should have said she has already committed to a function that day and could come see the baby the next day. No brainer.

The only exception would be if she was invited for the ACTUAL BIRTH for some reason which clearly was not the case here but would definitely change the situation if it was.

I only read the first page so not sure what else was revealed but my guess is that Op is the mom of the birthday kid and yes I would be very annoyed.