Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

So, it sounds like the issue is concern that the recently-gave-birth mom is entitled and it's unfair to the party mom to change plans last minute. I would tend to agree, except "visiting" a newborn isn't really visiting a newborn. It's helping the new mom after what is essentially an uncomfortable and draining medical event. Having an extra set of hands to hold and care for a newborn, even just for a day, is really helpful. So in this case I think it's ok to skip the b-day party to go visit the newborn. I mean, if we were talking about going to assist someone who was coming home after being hospitalized for an auto accident you wouldn't think twice about it.

Now, if this was actually a visit, like come look at the baby for an hour and go away, or if the baby had already been around for a few weeks and the birth parent was bizarrely insisting on the party day, I would say the party should come first since that was a prior commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

Not the poster you asked but I think it would be way overkill to be put out if the visit is moved a day or two. Infectious risk is also bollocks because I don’t think grandma sits at home and only goes out for that birthday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go see the newborn and her mother. You were requested.

You said mother of birthday child is laid back - ask if you can see birthday child a day later or following weekend. Don't mention you're picking their sibling over them.

How on earth would she explain her absence without saying she is going to see the new baby????

Not only that, how long can you take advantage of someone’s easy going nature? At some point as the parent you have to do what feels fair. The more demanding kid will always be more demanding - if you don’t ever rein it in, the other sibling will always be second in line for everything, and may decide at some point that they’ve had enough. I suspect that may already be happening, as the siblings haven’t seen each other in years. The easy going one may be distancing themselves from the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

I am a PP and, again, I think it being a brand newborn changes things. Yes, she is a difficult person, but she literally just had a baby. Her hormones are crazy. She's in pain. She's exhausted. And where I live illness IS crazy right now. Kids are dropping like flies in school due to whooping cough (which is not presenting in a typical fashion because they are older) and pneumonia. Is it unlikely that grandma will catch something and then pass it along a few hours later? Yes, but now is not a rational time.

If you are just done with her and want to go visit your other kid, that's a valid choice. But having a newborn is hard. This might be the one time her self centered request is actually pretty reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Sophie’s Choice. Either way, someone will be unhappy. I would go to the party and then, drive to the newborn.

[Anonymous]

Definitely newborn and mom should be seen. I’d be devastated if my mom had other plans that she wasn’t willing to forgo to come see me in the hospital. Parent shouldve known the range of possible dates the baby was coming and hedged all plans to visit the newborn and mom. Giving birth is literally the most traumatic experience a woman may have, a parent should be dropping everything to support their daughter after it.

Grandmas are nice to have a birthday parties, but I guarantee that child will have fun without grandma there too. Do a nice birthday outing at a different time with the other grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

I’d be open to anything because it’s a 2-day old baby. If the baby has had it shots, I’d be livid, but the baby is very vulnerable right now.

OP, if you’re the normal sister, I can see how this problem would feel bigger, because it’s seated on a lifetime of resentment. But I promise you, a 2-day old baby would win over anything but a wedding or a funeral. It sounds like you need to confront your mom soon, but this particular incident isn’t one I’d bring up. All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why the visit has to be in the same day as the party. Sounds like the baby was already born? So why does it matter if the grandparent comes to visit in a Monday instead of Saturday?

Right...unless there is a special event with the newborn, go a different day.

[Anonymous]

Birthday party, and visit newborn before party - it’s actually safer for baby to NOT be exposed to germs.

[Anonymous]

Woof we have a very similar sounding family dynamic between my husband and his sibling and I imagine this situation being very rough! My husband is the more flexible one, and I can imagine this happening with us with the birthday party and the sibling who has the cut offs sometimes having the baby- I would personally, 100% newborn in this situation and have grandparent come the next day to celebrate birthday with my kid. I’d be slightly bummed how the timing worked out, but newborns are a big deal and for less flexible sibling if they have a preferred time or would feel the other sibling was preferenced if party was attended first it is not worth the feelings that would cause. This isn’t best answered on the internet because there are so many things in the family history that impact how the kids will interpret the parent’s reaction to this.

This all being said — in my family where there isn’t sibling dysfunction and we are close— what would happen is if my sibling had a baby on x day and she knew my kids small birthday celebration/actual birthday was the next day she would be like oh mom you should come the next day or a couple days after, or whatever so you can be at larla’s party! Happy birthday larla!! lol and I would be like oh no if you want mom to come she should be there!! Are you sure you don’t need mom? And then we’d decide. it would not be an issue because we both are thinking of each other and want the others needs met. My sibling having their parent with them postpartum would always take precedent over my own needs but my sibling would still think of me because there isn’t built up resentment or worries about favoritism. If my sister was worried about germs I would put that need first. That’s why responses on this aren’t as helpful because people are coming from different family contexts.

Whichever child you are, the grandparent choice is very difficult here when family situations get complicated like this and whatever they do it is not a preference of child they’re just doing their best. Try to give everyone grace.

[Anonymous]

Wow, there’s nothing on Earth that would keep me from visiting a new grandchild. I like that you care about everyone in this scenario BUT your new grandchild.

Typical grandma behavior: you favor the “established” grandchildren and don’t give a crap about the new one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

The baby was JUST born? A day before the party? The newborn wins here. Any grandma who declined to visit their brand new grandchild because an older grandchild was having a birthday party is making a real statement. I'd cancel the birthday party and celebrate the newborn! If the birthday kid isn't old enough to know the difference, which it seems like they arent.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

So, it sounds like the issue is concern that the recently-gave-birth mom is entitled and it's unfair to the party mom to change plans last minute. I would tend to agree, except "visiting" a newborn isn't really visiting a newborn. It's helping the new mom after what is essentially an uncomfortable and draining medical event. Having an extra set of hands to hold and care for a newborn, even just for a day, is really helpful. So in this case I think it's ok to skip the b-day party to go visit the newborn. I mean, if we were talking about going to assist someone who was coming home after being hospitalized for an auto accident you wouldn't think twice about it.

Now, if this was actually a visit, like come look at the baby for an hour and go away, or if the baby had already been around for a few weeks and the birth parent was bizarrely insisting on the party day, I would say the party should come first since that was a prior commitment.

Oh stop. An unexpectedly EARLY baby who was just born and a distant relationship where the new mom is reaching out to her own mother after an unexpectedly early birth? Versus a freaking birthday party?

[Anonymous]

If I gave birth earlier than planned and reached out to my semi-estranged mom to come meet her new grandchild and care for me, and she went to a party for a grandchild she has already met thrown by parent she has already supported instead? Yep, I would know that semi-estrangement at best is the way forward, since she cares nothing for me or my child.

[Anonymous]

Go see the baby. A birthday party is not such a big deal. Have a special mini celebration for the birthday child another day. Take a cake and a nice gift. Kids love multiple birthday celebrations