Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Usually nee moms are overwhelmed anyways so go to the birthday, order food or flowers for new mom and call to congratulate and ask at what day and time will she be ready to have visitors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

The baby was JUST born? A day before the party? The newborn wins here. Any grandma who declined to visit their brand new grandchild because an older grandchild was having a birthday party is making a real statement. I'd cancel the birthday party and celebrate the newborn! If the birthday kid isn't old enough to know the difference, which it seems like they arent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually nee moms are overwhelmed anyways so go to the birthday, order food or flowers for new mom and call to congratulate and ask at what day and time will she be ready to have visitors.

The new mom is calling grandma basically from the hospital saying the baby's here. And you think the grandma should be like, sorry I have plans? Haha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

Because the newborn was literally just born. She's asking grandma to come the day after the birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newborn will still be there the next day. Unless there's an actual emergency, I tend to keep my pre-existing plans - I find that this feels the most fair and is the least likely to upset anyone.

Also, I may be reading into things too much, but the child calling and asking you to come on the day of the other grandchild's birthday after being on bad terms for months seems manipulative. Is there any reason you can't see the newborn the following day?

I agree with this assessment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

I would go see the newborn. However, my sister and I have a very very similar relationship with our mom and I'm the one most similar to your child who just gave birth. So I'm biased I guess. I would be very mad if my mom went to the bday party instead of visiting me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

The entitled sister needs to learn her lesson - but unfortunately she won’t, as mom will be accommodating her as usual. I am sorry, the normal sister, that you have such a shitty family dynamic
-DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

I would go see the newborn. However, my sister and I have a very very similar relationship with our mom and I'm the one most similar to your child who just gave birth. So I'm biased I guess. I would be very mad if my mom went to the bday party instead of visiting me.

You would be mad if mom came the next day or the day after next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

[Anonymous]

In the years to come this grandma will have to choose between the two birthday parties I guess!

[Anonymous]

Go see the newborn and her mother. You were requested.

You said mother of birthday child is laid back - ask if you can see birthday child a day later or following weekend. Don't mention you're picking their sibling over them.

[Anonymous]

I would go see the newborn. That child’s need for you, or the grandparent rather, is greater than the birthday families need for the grandparent. Apologize in a heartfelt way and figure out a way to make it up. The birthday boy can’t be told about his new cousin and he will understand the need for a visitor, if that’s how it’s presented to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go see the newborn and her mother. You were requested.

You said mother of birthday child is laid back - ask if you can see birthday child a day later or following weekend. Don't mention you're picking their sibling over them.

How on earth would she explain her absence without saying she is going to see the new baby????