Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

OP said in follow up that birthday child is too young to know if grandma is there or not. And sister is asking grandma to visit her in the hospital before she is discharged. Read the thread first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

OP said in follow up that birthday child is too young to know if grandma is there or not. And sister is asking grandma to visit her in the hospital before she is discharged. Read the thread first.

All 29 pages, lol. For something that is likely over and done by now....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

OP said in follow up that birthday child is too young to know if grandma is there or not. And sister is asking grandma to visit her in the hospital before she is discharged. Read the thread first.

All 29 pages, lol. For something that is likely over and done by now....

Yes it is. Grandma went to visit the daughter who just gave birth since there was no way to do both, any OPs nose is out of joint about it. But she’s also gotten her nose out of joint about the fact that her sister sent out newborn photos to the family and that people responded positively, because OP thinks they should ignore her because her sister had been rude to family the last few months. So, totally normal family!

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that the OP said the birth was a couple weeks early and various posters turned that into three weeks early. A few even said a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

OP said in follow up that birthday child is too young to know if grandma is there or not. And sister is asking grandma to visit her in the hospital before she is discharged. Read the thread first.

All 29 pages, lol. For something that is likely over and done by now....

Yes it is. Grandma went to visit the daughter who just gave birth since there was no way to do both, any OPs nose is out of joint about it. But she’s also gotten her nose out of joint about the fact that her sister sent out newborn photos to the family and that people responded positively, because OP thinks they should ignore her because her sister had been rude to family the last few months. So, totally normal family!

People like OP, who call themselves "laid back," but are the first to complain about every little thing that rubs them the wrong way, are the worse. OP: you are not laid back. You have been the recipient of favored treatment by your mother for probably no good reason your entire life. You can try to put that on your sister, your mother, whoever--but when you act like this, you have to acknowledge that you are part of the problem. Our family dynamic was just like this. My older sister--who was the middle child-was the favorite, and it was because she was the most "popular" and wasn't short like the rest of us. Two things that mattered the most to my parents. She was dumb as a brick--but took full advantage of her favored status her whole life--until she dropped dead out of nowhere at the age of 52. OP: life is short. Take a good long look at the negative role you're playing in the life of your younger sister.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I assumed that the OP was the grandma. This is the stuff that my mom gets bent out of shape about, assuming someone will be angry with her, and my sister and I are always kind of baffled.
I love my mom, but I have my own adult life. If I’m hosting a party or having a baby (!), my mom’s whereabouts are really not a big focus of mine.

I am surprised that other people care so much. Especially when they moved 6 hours away. But it does make me feel a little less baffled about why my mom gets so guilty and anxious. Maybe she hears these kinds of stories from her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

OP said in follow up that birthday child is too young to know if grandma is there or not. And sister is asking grandma to visit her in the hospital before she is discharged. Read the thread first.

All 29 pages, lol. For something that is likely over and done by now....

Yes it is. Grandma went to visit the daughter who just gave birth since there was no way to do both, any OPs nose is out of joint about it. But she’s also gotten her nose out of joint about the fact that her sister sent out newborn photos to the family and that people responded positively, because OP thinks they should ignore her because her sister had been rude to family the last few months. So, totally normal family!

People like OP, who call themselves "laid back," but are the first to complain about every little thing that rubs them the wrong way, are the worse. OP: you are not laid back. You have been the recipient of favored treatment by your mother for probably no good reason your entire life. You can try to put that on your sister, your mother, whoever--but when you act like this, you have to acknowledge that you are part of the problem. Our family dynamic was just like this. My older sister--who was the middle child-was the favorite, and it was because she was the most "popular" and wasn't short like the rest of us. Two things that mattered the most to my parents. She was dumb as a brick--but took full advantage of her favored status her whole life--until she dropped dead out of nowhere at the age of 52. OP: life is short. Take a good long look at the negative role you're playing in the life of your younger sister.

Yeah OP sounds like the golden child but in denial of all the favoritism she's gotten in her life. Let your sister have your mom for one day, good grief.

[Anonymous]

OP clearly gave herself away as party sister when OP left out that the call was the *day the premie was born* and to visit the very next day/day 2 in the hospital! That is a totally different scenario than what it initially sounded like (baby a few weeks old and sister picked the day on purpose). The fact OP thinks she’s easy going is the icing on the cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

Why would someone who just gave birth to a premie baby that day remotely be thinking about her mom’s alternate plans? Remember this is a mom she hasn’t talked to in a bit. Why do we assume she even knows there is a party or that mom is attending? Or, even if she did, that it’s in the forefront of her mind within a few hours of unexpectedly delivering a premie. I hope this is OP sock puppeting, because otherwise this strikes me as a really bizarre assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is VERY telling that you have said not one word of excitement or care about your new niece or nephew. That precious baby is not guilty of doing or saying anything to hurt or manipulate you.

That’s a good point. She is just focused on the attention being taken away from her child on her child’s birthday- which sounds objectively childish and self centered. I don’t doubt that her sister is an attention seeker, but in this objective situation (even though OP clearly
Couldn’t tell the story objectively, it was obvious from the first post which sister she was and which sister she disliked), it’s a no brainer that the grandma should
Visit the newborn in the hospital.

No
She can go the next day.

And she can also visit the toddler the next day. The toddler will love a second birthday “celebration”. The newborn won’t be in the hospital the next day.

Why does the visit have to be at the hospital?

Is this an earnest question? If it is- visiting the new mom and baby at the hospital is often a big event, sort of a rite of passage. It would be uncommon for a grandparent to skip it for a birthday party. So uncommon, that if someone heard “oh her mom was going to come.l visit her and baby in the hospital but she’d already made plans”, it would immediately be assumed the grandma was aloof and uncaring .

It's really not a rite of passage though. And it would not be uncommon for a grandparent to come a day later in order to attend a gathering in honor of another grandkid she already committed to.

But if the new mom called her mom and asked her to come- after giving birth a month early!- it would in fact be unusual for the grandma to say no. For any reason. Neither daughter comes across as particularly pleasant IMO but the bottom line is, the birth of a new baby trumps a toddler birthday party under normal, non-dysfunctional circumstances.

Not true

I am really surprised to see one or more people really thinking that if they were in the hospital, gave birth 3-4 weeks early, called their mom and said “please come visit us in the hospital tomorrow morning I just had the baby early!”…. that they’d be totally fine with their mom saying “oh well your sisters kid has his 3rd birthday celebration tomorrow and I did RSVP already so how about I skip the after birth visit and just see you once you get home the day after?” Because if that were me- in the hormonal , vulnerable state after having a baby- I’d have been crushed that my mother declined to come when I asked. Because of a toddler birthday party. On the other hand if I were the birthday mom and learned my sister had a baby, I would assume my mom (grandma) wouldn’t come to my party anymore and if she did, I’d be flabbergasted. It’s a toddler cake celebration! We can do another in a few days, which would thrill him anyways!

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

OP said in follow up that birthday child is too young to know if grandma is there or not. And sister is asking grandma to visit her in the hospital before she is discharged. Read the thread first.

All 29 pages, lol. For something that is likely over and done by now....

Yes it is. Grandma went to visit the daughter who just gave birth since there was no way to do both, any OPs nose is out of joint about it. But she’s also gotten her nose out of joint about the fact that her sister sent out newborn photos to the family and that people responded positively, because OP thinks they should ignore her because her sister had been rude to family the last few months. So, totally normal family!

People like OP, who call themselves "laid back," but are the first to complain about every little thing that rubs them the wrong way, are the worse. OP: you are not laid back. You have been the recipient of favored treatment by your mother for probably no good reason your entire life. You can try to put that on your sister, your mother, whoever--but when you act like this, you have to acknowledge that you are part of the problem. Our family dynamic was just like this. My older sister--who was the middle child-was the favorite, and it was because she was the most "popular" and wasn't short like the rest of us. Two things that mattered the most to my parents. She was dumb as a brick--but took full advantage of her favored status her whole life--until she dropped dead out of nowhere at the age of 52. OP: life is short. Take a good long look at the negative role you're playing in the life of your younger sister.

Where in the thread are you seeing this? This is not remotely what I got out of the OPs posts, which point to her sister always coming up with some big announcement whenever the OP has something going on. Yes, in this case it is a baby but there is no law that a grandparent has to meet a new baby the instant it is born. If I had just had a baby I would not insist on my mom coming on a specific day, particularly if she has plans with another grandkid (and I in fact have literally been in that situation when I went into labor when my mom was heading to visit my sister and her kids; I waited until she got on the plane to tell her I was in labor because I didn't want her to feel torn between cancelling the trip and going to the hospital- she met my kid a week later and the world did not end)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is VERY telling that you have said not one word of excitement or care about your new niece or nephew. That precious baby is not guilty of doing or saying anything to hurt or manipulate you.

That’s a good point. She is just focused on the attention being taken away from her child on her child’s birthday- which sounds objectively childish and self centered. I don’t doubt that her sister is an attention seeker, but in this objective situation (even though OP clearly
Couldn’t tell the story objectively, it was obvious from the first post which sister she was and which sister she disliked), it’s a no brainer that the grandma should
Visit the newborn in the hospital.

No
She can go the next day.

And she can also visit the toddler the next day. The toddler will love a second birthday “celebration”. The newborn won’t be in the hospital the next day.

Why does the visit have to be at the hospital?

Is this an earnest question? If it is- visiting the new mom and baby at the hospital is often a big event, sort of a rite of passage. It would be uncommon for a grandparent to skip it for a birthday party. So uncommon, that if someone heard “oh her mom was going to come.l visit her and baby in the hospital but she’d already made plans”, it would immediately be assumed the grandma was aloof and uncaring .

It's really not a rite of passage though. And it would not be uncommon for a grandparent to come a day later in order to attend a gathering in honor of another grandkid she already committed to.

But if the new mom called her mom and asked her to come- after giving birth a month early!- it would in fact be unusual for the grandma to say no. For any reason. Neither daughter comes across as particularly pleasant IMO but the bottom line is, the birth of a new baby trumps a toddler birthday party under normal, non-dysfunctional circumstances.

Not true

I am really surprised to see one or more people really thinking that if they were in the hospital, gave birth 3-4 weeks early, called their mom and said “please come visit us in the hospital tomorrow morning I just had the baby early!”…. that they’d be totally fine with their mom saying “oh well your sisters kid has his 3rd birthday celebration tomorrow and I did RSVP already so how about I skip the after birth visit and just see you once you get home the day after?” Because if that were me- in the hormonal , vulnerable state after having a baby- I’d have been crushed that my mother declined to come when I asked. Because of a toddler birthday party. On the other hand if I were the birthday mom and learned my sister had a baby, I would assume my mom (grandma) wouldn’t come to my party anymore and if she did, I’d be flabbergasted. It’s a toddler cake celebration! We can do another in a few days, which would thrill him anyways!

100%

I assume it is the same people who wouldn’t ask their mom to come at a super specific time. I might say “come by the hospital” but I wouldn’t care if it was at a specific time or day (or if she couldn’t make it until the next day or so)