Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I wonder when this mother and baby are going home.

I can relate to this situation from both sides of the family. My own mom is a very stressful person to have in my house. We aren't estranged but I need firm boundaries. If she had lived close enough to visit the day after birth, I would have invited her to the hospital, because the very last thing I would have wanted when I was bleeding, and trying to establish nursing, and coping with a toddler adjusting to siblinghood, was her to come in my house, where she would have inevitably told me that I was being lazy, or doing something wrong, or a terrible parent, or my older child was a brat, or my younger child (the 1 day old) was spoiled.

I was lucky that she lived far enough away that she didn't come till the baptism, but if she'd been close, I would have wanted her at the hospital so I didn't feel obligated to invite her in my house. This would mean that "she can just come the next day" didn't apply.

On DH's side, I have the sibling who is always jealous. My SIL can get jealous over insane things. She gets jealous over things I can not change, like how tall my kids are, and jealous things that only someone who was nuts would be upset about. That doesn't mean that she doesn't also sometimes make reasonable requests, like asking someone to visit her at the hospital when she had a new baby. In my experience, I need to treat those few reasonable requests like reasonable requests, not responding irrationally to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

Read the thread. It’s not “this sibling.” OP has issues with two not one sisters - and her mom. Take of that what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always

Oh ihad to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

Read the thread. It’s not “this sibling.” OP has issues with two not one sisters - and her mom. Take of that what you will.

I have read the thread. And I stand by my stance unless you lived it you have no idea and op not getting along with her mom and other sibling is actual more evidence to support what pp and I were saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

It's not manipulative to give birth early. It's not manipulative to want your mom. It's absolutely manipulative to insist Grandma can only visit at the time of the party.
You don't get it and that's okay. In fact I'm happy you don't get it because it likely means you have a happy functional family and not a narcissistic sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

It's not manipulative to give birth early. It's not manipulative to want your mom. It's absolutely manipulative to insist Grandma can only visit at the time of the party.
You don't get it and that's okay. In fact I'm happy you don't get it because it likely means you have a happy functional family and not a narcissistic sibling

My understanding from the OPs post and follow up posts is that it's not so much that grandma has to visit at the same time of day as the party- it's that the sister who gave birth lives 6 hours away. So if grandma drives first thing the following morning to go visit the sister with her baby in hospital, she won't be able to drive 6 hours back in time for the party- she really does have to choose. The compromise of having the birthday celebration and then driving up to see the sister immediately after- so, in the same day- seems very reasonable except for the fact that the sister having the baby said she didn't want grandma to come visit after the party for germ reasons. Now, reasonable people could agree or disagree on whether or not the germ fear is manipulative, or just post partum hormones and anxiety that anyone could get regarding germs and an infant. But the timing part, to me, was just that the sister giving birth wanted grandma to come right away- which would be the following day- and grandma couldn't do that and then return for the party because there aren't enough hours in the day.

I agree that if everyone were local, and the sister giving birth was like "its a 2pm visit or nothing!", that would be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a grandmother. Unless it was an emergency health situation, I would keep my plans for the birthday party and then see the newborn after. I never want to appear like I am showing favoritism and I keep my plans.

My mother is like this. Little to no emotion in her decision making. Certainly no nuance. I could call her and say I'd won the Nobel Peace Prize and was giving a speech , the next day, to the entire universe and begged her to come as my guest of honor to witness me being given this award by God himself, and she'd say that she'd love to only she already promised to go out to lunch with my brother and she wasn't one to cancel plans on her children.

Yet it sounds like if she had previously planned to have lunch with you — and prioritized that over something that came up with another family member, she’d prioritize her time with you. I like your mother’s values — which sound caring and considerate.

Again- read upthread- you are saying that it is "caring and considerate" to "prioritize (a lunch date) over (a child winning the nobel peace prize)". If you can honestly say that you'd turn down attending the ceremony of your child being awarded the nobel peace prize to go to Chili's with your other child just because you had standing plans, you're being intentionally argumentative.

Nope, I’m not. I am, however, assuming that if someone is getting. Nobel Prize, they’d know about it in advance, and would invite me to the ceremony in advance. If they told me the day before, and expected me to ditch a scheduled lunch with my other kid, I’d wonder about their motives, and keep the previously scheduled meeting. Honestly.
Please don’t assume you know my intentions just because you don’t share my priorities.

If you want to do a hierarchical list of actual emergencies or things that I, personally, would view as “drop everything and run” situations, then that will take another comment. FWIW, genuine medical emergencies would get priority. The more manipulative or demanding a “request “ seems to me, the more likely I, personally, would be to forego the honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a grandmother. Unless it was an emergency health situation, I would keep my plans for the birthday party and then see the newborn after. I never want to appear like I am showing favoritism and I keep my plans.

My mother is like this. Little to no emotion in her decision making. Certainly no nuance. I could call her and say I'd won the Nobel Peace Prize and was giving a speech , the next day, to the entire universe and begged her to come as my guest of honor to witness me being given this award by God himself, and she'd say that she'd love to only she already promised to go out to lunch with my brother and she wasn't one to cancel plans on her children.

You sound dramatic and exhausting. She probably gets more peace with your brother.

Perhaps she does. Which is fine. Everyone has favorites, even mothers. Just pointing out that refusing to use common sense or emotion, and insisting on "keeping your plans" when clearly an unexpected, more important situation has arisen with one of your other children, is unusually rigid and usually not very kind.

Well- if you think that you and your situation are more important, then of course you'll be put out if plans aren't changed for you. Classic narcisism.

I mean, clearly the daughter with the newborn knew that grandma would already have plans with the other grandkid on their birthday, and it doesn't sound like there's an immediate need for grandma's presence. She could literally go visit the next day rather than being forced to choose.

Be honest. Is attending a standing lunch date with one child more important than attending your other child winning the Nobel Peace Prize? Because that's what you're arguing here, if you are following the thread you are responding to.

Nobody in this thread won the Nobel prize. If you do, come back and start your own thread rather than project on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

It's not manipulative to give birth early. It's not manipulative to want your mom. It's absolutely manipulative to insist Grandma can only visit at the time of the party.
You don't get it and that's okay. In fact I'm happy you don't get it because it likely means you have a happy functional family and not a narcissistic sibling

My understanding from the OPs post and follow up posts is that it's not so much that grandma has to visit at the same time of day as the party- it's that the sister who gave birth lives 6 hours away. So if grandma drives first thing the following morning to go visit the sister with her baby in hospital, she won't be able to drive 6 hours back in time for the party- she really does have to choose. The compromise of having the birthday celebration and then driving up to see the sister immediately after- so, in the same day- seems very reasonable except for the fact that the sister having the baby said she didn't want grandma to come visit after the party for germ reasons. Now, reasonable people could agree or disagree on whether or not the germ fear is manipulative, or just post partum hormones and anxiety that anyone could get regarding germs and an infant. But the timing part, to me, was just that the sister giving birth wanted grandma to come right away- which would be the following day- and grandma couldn't do that and then return for the party because there aren't enough hours in the day.

I agree that if everyone were local, and the sister giving birth was like "its a 2pm visit or nothing!", that would be stupid.

Oh I missed the germ bit. Yeah that's valid not to want grandma to come after hanging out at a toddler/preschooler birthday party. OP can you just have a small celebration with your mom at another date than the party? If your mom were to pick up a virus at your son's party and pass to the newborn your relationship with your sister would take an even bigger hit. I know it is disappointing but I think you have to be the bigger person here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

It's not manipulative to give birth early. It's not manipulative to want your mom. It's absolutely manipulative to insist Grandma can only visit at the time of the party.
You don't get it and that's okay. In fact I'm happy you don't get it because it likely means you have a happy functional family and not a narcissistic sibling

My understanding from the OPs post and follow up posts is that it's not so much that grandma has to visit at the same time of day as the party- it's that the sister who gave birth lives 6 hours away. So if grandma drives first thing the following morning to go visit the sister with her baby in hospital, she won't be able to drive 6 hours back in time for the party- she really does have to choose. The compromise of having the birthday celebration and then driving up to see the sister immediately after- so, in the same day- seems very reasonable except for the fact that the sister having the baby said she didn't want grandma to come visit after the party for germ reasons. Now, reasonable people could agree or disagree on whether or not the germ fear is manipulative, or just post partum hormones and anxiety that anyone could get regarding germs and an infant. But the timing part, to me, was just that the sister giving birth wanted grandma to come right away- which would be the following day- and grandma couldn't do that and then return for the party because there aren't enough hours in the day.

I agree that if everyone were local, and the sister giving birth was like "its a 2pm visit or nothing!", that would be stupid.

Oh I missed the germ bit. Yeah that's valid not to want grandma to come after hanging out at a toddler/preschooler birthday party. OP can you just have a small celebration with your mom at another date than the party? If your mom were to pick up a virus at your son's party and pass to the newborn your relationship with your sister would take an even bigger hit. I know it is disappointing but I think you have to be the bigger person here.

OP hasn't asked her mom to reschedule, because she wants to be able to whine about how her mother didn't initiate rescheduling. I'm guessing in mom did ask to reschedule, OP would whine that mom invited herself.

I'm not sure the posts speculating about germs are from the OP. I didn't see one like that, but even if not, if the baby is truly healthy and going home on schedule, then 6 hours (or 3, it's not clear whether the 6 hours is round trip) after the party, they may be in the middle of discharge. That would also be a very valid reason to not want mom visiting at that moment.

[Anonymous]

Where are all the daughters and DILs who refuse to let grandma see baby until weeks later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

It's not manipulative to give birth early. It's not manipulative to want your mom. It's absolutely manipulative to insist Grandma can only visit at the time of the party.
You don't get it and that's okay. In fact I'm happy you don't get it because it likely means you have a happy functional family and not a narcissistic sibling

My understanding from the OPs post and follow up posts is that it's not so much that grandma has to visit at the same time of day as the party- it's that the sister who gave birth lives 6 hours away. So if grandma drives first thing the following morning to go visit the sister with her baby in hospital, she won't be able to drive 6 hours back in time for the party- she really does have to choose. The compromise of having the birthday celebration and then driving up to see the sister immediately after- so, in the same day- seems very reasonable except for the fact that the sister having the baby said she didn't want grandma to come visit after the party for germ reasons. Now, reasonable people could agree or disagree on whether or not the germ fear is manipulative, or just post partum hormones and anxiety that anyone could get regarding germs and an infant. But the timing part, to me, was just that the sister giving birth wanted grandma to come right away- which would be the following day- and grandma couldn't do that and then return for the party because there aren't enough hours in the day.

I agree that if everyone were local, and the sister giving birth was like "its a 2pm visit or nothing!", that would be stupid.

Oh I missed the germ bit. Yeah that's valid not to want grandma to come after hanging out at a toddler/preschooler birthday party. OP can you just have a small celebration with your mom at another date than the party? If your mom were to pick up a virus at your son's party and pass to the newborn your relationship with your sister would take an even bigger hit. I know it is disappointing but I think you have to be the bigger person here.

OP mentioned the germ piece I think in a follow up post- she thought it was silly because the sister giving birth has an older child who is presumably already germy, which does make me think the sister giving birth might be just being bratty, but those post partum fears of unnecessary germs are real and I remember them and I dont think OP can just claim her sister is being a brat for voicing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

Grandma goes to birthday party because grandchild is looking forward to her visit and newborn doesn't know sunshine from shinola. Also, semi-estranged daughter most likely just wants grandma for free maid service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP’s sibling knew that the second (or third or fourth or whatever) day was OPs kids birthday and that’s why she insisted on grandma visiting on that specific day and not the day after. Some women really are that petty.

Yeah I agree. And honestly I get where OP is coming from because I've always had to be the "agreeable" one to keep the peace and not aggrevate my volatile sister, and it gets old.

+1 and unless you have this sibling you absolutely do not understand the dynamics

I get it, because I do see this dynamic in other families that I have been close to my whole life. But in this SPECIFIC situation, it's not being manipulative to give birth 3 weeks early and it's normal to call your mother from the hospital and ask her to visit as soon as possible, which in this case is the following day, since she is 6 hours away. Prior dynamics aside, grandma going to the hospital is 100% the normal thing to do. But, prior dynamics can never be really ignored, which I'm assuming is why this situation is triggering to a lot of people, OP included. If the sister has a history of being dramatic and selfish, this seems to play right into that, however, this particular ask is TOTALLY NORMAL for someone to make, dramatic or laid back or anything in between. And the grandma going right to the hospital, again- it would be unusual for her to say no, that she wouldn't, because she was worried about upsetting her other child who she'd made plans with already- that is something that happens in a family that has really warped dynamics to start with, where someone giving birth would trigger someone else to be jealous that attention was going towards that person "like it always does because she's a drama queen!". The feeling is probably valid for OP to have, because of their past. But objectively, it makes OP look like the dramatic one.

Bottom line, OP, is that no one can tell you what the "right" thing for grandma to do is without knowing the nuances of your family dynamics.

It's not manipulative to give birth early. It's not manipulative to want your mom. It's absolutely manipulative to insist Grandma can only visit at the time of the party.
You don't get it and that's okay. In fact I'm happy you don't get it because it likely means you have a happy functional family and not a narcissistic sibling

My understanding from the OPs post and follow up posts is that it's not so much that grandma has to visit at the same time of day as the party- it's that the sister who gave birth lives 6 hours away. So if grandma drives first thing the following morning to go visit the sister with her baby in hospital, she won't be able to drive 6 hours back in time for the party- she really does have to choose. The compromise of having the birthday celebration and then driving up to see the sister immediately after- so, in the same day- seems very reasonable except for the fact that the sister having the baby said she didn't want grandma to come visit after the party for germ reasons. Now, reasonable people could agree or disagree on whether or not the germ fear is manipulative, or just post partum hormones and anxiety that anyone could get regarding germs and an infant. But the timing part, to me, was just that the sister giving birth wanted grandma to come right away- which would be the following day- and grandma couldn't do that and then return for the party because there aren't enough hours in the day.

I agree that if everyone were local, and the sister giving birth was like "its a 2pm visit or nothing!", that would be stupid.

Oh I missed the germ bit. Yeah that's valid not to want grandma to come after hanging out at a toddler/preschooler birthday party. OP can you just have a small celebration with your mom at another date than the party? If your mom were to pick up a virus at your son's party and pass to the newborn your relationship with your sister would take an even bigger hit. I know it is disappointing but I think you have to be the bigger person here.

OP mentioned the germ piece I think in a follow up post- she thought it was silly because the sister giving birth has an older child who is presumably already germy, which does make me think the sister giving birth might be just being bratty, but those post partum fears of unnecessary germs are real and I remember them and I dont think OP can just claim her sister is being a brat for voicing them.

During covid this logic of "if you do X, which includes exposure to germs, you have no right to take any other precautions about germs" first appeared. It's bizarre.

I took my kid for chemo during the pandemic. Twice a week with no breaks. Of course, the risk there was high. But it wasn't optional, just like being around an older sibling isn't optional. If someone has non-optional risks, it doesn't mean they shouldn't still exercise care in situations where exercising care is an option. Each step you take to protect the baby reduces the odds that they catch something.