He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

Agree with the last sentence definitely.
If you want to sleep w/whoever you desire - then sow your wild oats prior to having children & getting married.

How can anyone disagree with this??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

[Anonymous]

Op here again.

well, he just left on a trip and while he was in the shower I looked through his luggage. Packed plenty of sex supplies. And I looked through the drawer where he keeps them yesterday, and they were there, and I looked through this bag too, which didn't have them in there yesterday, so he definitely deliberately took them out of the drawer and put them in this bag for the trip today.

This hurts so bad. Just the dishonesty. I feel physically ill and my knees are shaking. I feel like I am living with a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Just FYI, OP - you can give him the name of your lawyer, but he cannot be represented by your lawyer. Your lawyer represents YOUR interests. He will need to get his own lawyer, and the only purpose of giving your DH your lawyer’s name is so his lawyer can call your lawyer. good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

well, he just left on a trip and while he was in the shower I looked through his luggage. Packed plenty of sex supplies. And I looked through the drawer where he keeps them yesterday, and they were there, and I looked through this bag too, which didn't have them in there yesterday, so he definitely deliberately took them out of the drawer and put them in this bag for the trip today.

This hurts so bad. Just the dishonesty. I feel physically ill and my knees are shaking. I feel like I am living with a stranger.

Wow OP, he seems to want to get caught on some level.

Btw, I know that feeling of waking up and feeling happy for the first few seconds. The crash into reality is the worst.

You've got this. It will be ok for you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

this

[Anonymous]

Op I divorced over cheating so I’m sympathetic but. Options 2 and 3 sound like a fantasy. I think they call it the bargaining part of grief.

I would never be able to have sex with him again.

Drain the bank accounts of 1/2 and change the locks.

[Anonymous]

This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, OP - you can give him the name of your lawyer, but he cannot be represented by your lawyer. Your lawyer represents YOUR interests. He will need to get his own lawyer, and the only purpose of giving your DH your lawyer’s name is so his lawyer can call your lawyer. good Luck.

OP I think you’re being very reasonable. I would only suggest that option two needs to come with an understanding that you have the same right to seek physical companionship elsewhere with the same terms— discretion, no additional children. He doesn’t get to unilaterally end your sex life without your say-so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

She’s an MD, pretty sure she can get an STD panel turned around in a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, OP - you can give him the name of your lawyer, but he cannot be represented by your lawyer. Your lawyer represents YOUR interests. He will need to get his own lawyer, and the only purpose of giving your DH your lawyer’s name is so his lawyer can call your lawyer. good Luck.

Don’t worry, I know. But thanks. The point is to show him I’m serious and the paperwork is prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

She’s an MD, pretty sure she can get an STD panel turned around in a few hours.

Quest also does it in 24 hours. It’s a simple blood draw and pee in a cup and you can walk in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

well, he just left on a trip and while he was in the shower I looked through his luggage. Packed plenty of sex supplies. And I looked through the drawer where he keeps them yesterday, and they were there, and I looked through this bag too, which didn't have them in there yesterday, so he definitely deliberately took them out of the drawer and put them in this bag for the trip today.

This hurts so bad. Just the dishonesty. I feel physically ill and my knees are shaking. I feel like I am living with a stranger.

Wow OP, he seems to want to get caught on some level.

Btw, I know that feeling of waking up and feeling happy for the first few seconds. The crash into reality is the worst.

You've got this. It will be ok for you and the kids.

OP here. It’s possible at some level he does. It’s also possible he’s just been doing this a long time and is really confident in my trusting nature. We’ve always had a lot of trust in our relationship, in both directions. I’ve traveled quite a bit too, have many male friends etc. he doesn’t have an issue with my independence, nor have I with his. Me snooping in his stuff is completely new for example. So he probably thinks he can fly under the radar. But don’t know. I agree there is an incredible self destructive streak to his behavior which could include wanting subconsciously to get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

She’s an MD, pretty sure she can get an STD panel turned around in a few hours.

She may possibly could’ve provided samples this quickly but STI testing beyond one single urine test all require multiple processes that take s minimum of 3 to 5 days.. even if she works at an ER there’s no way to skip the line for immediate analysis.
Plus- the comment where she says he probably has an STI is something she couldn’t possibly know and as a physician (doubtful) would never say something reckless like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

She’s an MD, pretty sure she can get an STD panel turned around in a few hours.

She may possibly could’ve provided samples this quickly but STI testing beyond one single urine test all require multiple processes that take s minimum of 3 to 5 days.. even if she works at an ER there’s no way to skip the line for immediate analysis.
Plus- the comment where she says he probably has an STI is something she couldn’t possibly know and as a physician (doubtful) would never say something reckless like that.

A few containers of specific antibiotics could give a pretty good idea. Honestly it rings true to me, unfortunately. And I agree ~50% of posts here are trolls. But sadly I don’t think this one is.